Need advice, how to deal with my husbands opiate addiction
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Need advice, how to deal with my husbands opiate addiction
Hi, I'm just looking for advice. My husband is addicted to hydrocodone and trAmadol, and has been on and off for the past 5 years. I could write a book about my life and dealing with this so I'm going to try and sum it up as As quickly as possible. I just don't know how to handle his moods, the swings, the ups the downs, and everything in between anymore.
Let me start with this, he is a great dad, father and husband, he's just in a bad place right now and I need to figure out how to help him. I can't just stand around and watch my marriage go down the drain because of a pill! I can't let this control my life, or his anymore. I am absolutely heart broken and feel lost.
14 Years ago he was in an accident that resulted in plates, pins, and all kinds of screws in his knee- which is the cause of his pain and why he started taking pills to begin with.
In the past 5 years, he asked me to marry him, we had a baby(he has 2 from a previous marriage so 3 kids total 8,7,& 16months), and we got married. when I first met him, he took them as needed, from time to time. It just progressively got worse with time. It has literally come down to bullying his mom, me asking my parents and grandparents, buying them from an employee, and overseas- this VERY recently came to a halt. U.S. Customs sent a letter the other day that said they have started confiscating them as they came to the border.
He says he wants to quit, but on the days he "wants" to quit and doesn't take any, we'll end up driving to his parents so that he can get some from his mom. Because he's made me feel so bad about him feeling so terrible- because somehow it my fault. But If she doesn't give them to him; he'll scream terrible things at her make her feel awful about herself, until he has guilted her into giving them to him, which usually ends up in her kicking us out. (Which sucks because his mom and I had a great relationship- up until about 2 years ago when all of this started.) if I stick up for her, or myself- because I get drug into all of his fights- I get called terrible things, get told I ruined his life, he wishes he never married me, or " I only proposed to you because I was taking pills."
I know those things aren't true because when he is sober, he's my best friend and we get along great. Even he will admit that. We have worked together our entire relationship and nothing has ever really bothered us, until this.
He has never brought the kids into it, even on the bad, bad days. Until just recently. It hurts my heart because my mom was the EXACT same way when I was little- and I resent my mother to this day for it. I just don't want them to have the same feelings for him as they grow up. I loose my mind when he drags the kids into our stuff. The worst part is, is they have no idea why their dad is flipping out on their step mom in the car- or calling their grandma all these mean names. I take them to the park and out of the situation as much as possible and explain to them that daddy is just stressed and things will get better.
Lately, when he doesn't take any, he starts talking about suicide and how he doesn't want to be here anymore. How he doesn't care about anyone- he doesn't want to be a dad or anything anymore. I don't know how to handle that at all.
I seriously don't know what to do. At this point I'm absolutely exhausted. I feel useless, unwanted, used, and everything else in between. I feel like I'm slipping into depression. I have no energy, I won't eat for a day or so but when I do, I binge. Which is causing me to gain weight. I'm not working right now (childcare is too pricey and causes me to stay home- my pay check would be entirely for child care) I can feel my patience with the kids slipping, nothing bad I just am just stricter than normal and I feel like crap because of it. I feel like All I do is tell them no! But I feel like I'm treading water and I'm losing the fight. I don't know what to do. I don't wish this upon anyone but I hope someone has been in a situation like mine and can help me. Any advice helps. Please. Thanks!
Let me start with this, he is a great dad, father and husband, he's just in a bad place right now and I need to figure out how to help him. I can't just stand around and watch my marriage go down the drain because of a pill! I can't let this control my life, or his anymore. I am absolutely heart broken and feel lost.
14 Years ago he was in an accident that resulted in plates, pins, and all kinds of screws in his knee- which is the cause of his pain and why he started taking pills to begin with.
In the past 5 years, he asked me to marry him, we had a baby(he has 2 from a previous marriage so 3 kids total 8,7,& 16months), and we got married. when I first met him, he took them as needed, from time to time. It just progressively got worse with time. It has literally come down to bullying his mom, me asking my parents and grandparents, buying them from an employee, and overseas- this VERY recently came to a halt. U.S. Customs sent a letter the other day that said they have started confiscating them as they came to the border.
He says he wants to quit, but on the days he "wants" to quit and doesn't take any, we'll end up driving to his parents so that he can get some from his mom. Because he's made me feel so bad about him feeling so terrible- because somehow it my fault. But If she doesn't give them to him; he'll scream terrible things at her make her feel awful about herself, until he has guilted her into giving them to him, which usually ends up in her kicking us out. (Which sucks because his mom and I had a great relationship- up until about 2 years ago when all of this started.) if I stick up for her, or myself- because I get drug into all of his fights- I get called terrible things, get told I ruined his life, he wishes he never married me, or " I only proposed to you because I was taking pills."
I know those things aren't true because when he is sober, he's my best friend and we get along great. Even he will admit that. We have worked together our entire relationship and nothing has ever really bothered us, until this.
He has never brought the kids into it, even on the bad, bad days. Until just recently. It hurts my heart because my mom was the EXACT same way when I was little- and I resent my mother to this day for it. I just don't want them to have the same feelings for him as they grow up. I loose my mind when he drags the kids into our stuff. The worst part is, is they have no idea why their dad is flipping out on their step mom in the car- or calling their grandma all these mean names. I take them to the park and out of the situation as much as possible and explain to them that daddy is just stressed and things will get better.
Lately, when he doesn't take any, he starts talking about suicide and how he doesn't want to be here anymore. How he doesn't care about anyone- he doesn't want to be a dad or anything anymore. I don't know how to handle that at all.
I seriously don't know what to do. At this point I'm absolutely exhausted. I feel useless, unwanted, used, and everything else in between. I feel like I'm slipping into depression. I have no energy, I won't eat for a day or so but when I do, I binge. Which is causing me to gain weight. I'm not working right now (childcare is too pricey and causes me to stay home- my pay check would be entirely for child care) I can feel my patience with the kids slipping, nothing bad I just am just stricter than normal and I feel like crap because of it. I feel like All I do is tell them no! But I feel like I'm treading water and I'm losing the fight. I don't know what to do. I don't wish this upon anyone but I hope someone has been in a situation like mine and can help me. Any advice helps. Please. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 14
Hi HFA.
Wow. I just have to pause. Save for just a few aspects of this story, it's all too similar to my story. I am not sure its allowed here by the admins, but I wanted to link you to another site where I went through my recovery. I can't retype it, there are literally hundreds of posts, but I am hoping the admins leave the link because please read through as much of my initial recover as you can.
[link removed] - so yeah, I can't post the link. It's on the website "heroin-detox.com/detoxing-pain-meds/14272-mellons-recovery-journey.html ..... from that link, add "www" to the front,
I can say that honestly, my wife was the main reason I got clean. And she did it with an intervention. I was all the love and wonder than you describe your husband and pills took all that away. One night, I did my normal routine (up to 30 x 10mg pills about 6pm) and probably was particularly trashed when I passed out. I was woken up about an hour later and woke up to see my wife, her mom, her dad, and her brother in the room. We'd been together a long time and everyone cared about me, probably more than I deserve based on the selfishness I was showing, but they came. I was pretty effed up, but they pleaded with me to get help. I joined the ODR the next day (Opiate Detox Recovery) - the site I linked.
Get as much help from as many places as you can. I'm sure deep down (as I did), he wants out too. It's miserable. I hated seeing my wife hate the way I was acting on pills, but I lashed out back at her because I was embarrassed of myself and that I was truly powerless of the stupid addiction. It's like staring down a train knowing that you can move off the track either way but standing there anyway. He likely needs a nudge (maybe gentle, maybe firm) in the right direction but if he's a father of 3 he's likely by this 5th year figured out he can't live the rest of his life like this.
Best of luck
Wow. I just have to pause. Save for just a few aspects of this story, it's all too similar to my story. I am not sure its allowed here by the admins, but I wanted to link you to another site where I went through my recovery. I can't retype it, there are literally hundreds of posts, but I am hoping the admins leave the link because please read through as much of my initial recover as you can.
[link removed] - so yeah, I can't post the link. It's on the website "heroin-detox.com/detoxing-pain-meds/14272-mellons-recovery-journey.html ..... from that link, add "www" to the front,
I can say that honestly, my wife was the main reason I got clean. And she did it with an intervention. I was all the love and wonder than you describe your husband and pills took all that away. One night, I did my normal routine (up to 30 x 10mg pills about 6pm) and probably was particularly trashed when I passed out. I was woken up about an hour later and woke up to see my wife, her mom, her dad, and her brother in the room. We'd been together a long time and everyone cared about me, probably more than I deserve based on the selfishness I was showing, but they came. I was pretty effed up, but they pleaded with me to get help. I joined the ODR the next day (Opiate Detox Recovery) - the site I linked.
Get as much help from as many places as you can. I'm sure deep down (as I did), he wants out too. It's miserable. I hated seeing my wife hate the way I was acting on pills, but I lashed out back at her because I was embarrassed of myself and that I was truly powerless of the stupid addiction. It's like staring down a train knowing that you can move off the track either way but standing there anyway. He likely needs a nudge (maybe gentle, maybe firm) in the right direction but if he's a father of 3 he's likely by this 5th year figured out he can't live the rest of his life like this.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
I went off this site for a while looking at all the wives in the same situation is overwhelming . I am sorry for your struggle you are not alone . There are so many things I read and think same thing on my end . I have learned not to trust anyone including the enabling family that in my case have helped my husband use/get pills . For a long time meetings that I attended at NA for me as a spouse told me take care of you and your kids . I never understood their advice.
I would like to share that with you and I know its hard . Read on here a lot and find a meeting for yourself to get in a group for support for you. I kicked my husband out fought cried begged and pretty much lost my mind. It affects the entire family and it makes me sad to think of all the lost time I spent fighting over something I could never control. You can approach it like this . Say I know you can do this and I will support your recovery 100% together we can do it . Its worth a try ..
This is a disease of the brain and takes time and treatment to regain health and higher mental function . The lash outs are always directed towards us bc we enable in ways we cant see. Try and talk and give an ultimatum if you can. They had once told me to love is not to watch .. That stuck in my head . Hope this helps a little bit .. Just remember your not crazy they tend to make you feel that way .
I would like to share that with you and I know its hard . Read on here a lot and find a meeting for yourself to get in a group for support for you. I kicked my husband out fought cried begged and pretty much lost my mind. It affects the entire family and it makes me sad to think of all the lost time I spent fighting over something I could never control. You can approach it like this . Say I know you can do this and I will support your recovery 100% together we can do it . Its worth a try ..
This is a disease of the brain and takes time and treatment to regain health and higher mental function . The lash outs are always directed towards us bc we enable in ways we cant see. Try and talk and give an ultimatum if you can. They had once told me to love is not to watch .. That stuck in my head . Hope this helps a little bit .. Just remember your not crazy they tend to make you feel that way .
Addiction Writer
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 7
It's not all lost, not yet!
Hi HereForAdvice,
It sounds to me that your husband is in serious need of opiate addiction treatment. The longer chronic addiction is allowed to continue the more physical and psychological damage will result from the neglect of treatment.
There is only so much you can do by yourself. You are a beautiful spirit, and loving woman, but eventually you will have to decide when enough is enough and get yourself out of a potentially harmful situation. Developing chronic addiction on your end will impact you and your little ones for the rest of your life.
If your husband won't go to treatment, you may want to consider trying support groups and going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. You can also try getting the help and support of his medical doctor or drug courts.
If you are serious about getting him treatment, there are some local law enforcement depts. that will exchange treatment for illicit substances. I believe this will work even if his prescriptions are sanctioned.
Also! Don't forget about maintenance drugs like suboxone and naltrexone (a non opiate based drug which helps with cravings and helps those addicted transition to living without drugs and alcohol).
I hope some of this can help you!
It sounds to me that your husband is in serious need of opiate addiction treatment. The longer chronic addiction is allowed to continue the more physical and psychological damage will result from the neglect of treatment.
There is only so much you can do by yourself. You are a beautiful spirit, and loving woman, but eventually you will have to decide when enough is enough and get yourself out of a potentially harmful situation. Developing chronic addiction on your end will impact you and your little ones for the rest of your life.
If your husband won't go to treatment, you may want to consider trying support groups and going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. You can also try getting the help and support of his medical doctor or drug courts.
If you are serious about getting him treatment, there are some local law enforcement depts. that will exchange treatment for illicit substances. I believe this will work even if his prescriptions are sanctioned.
Also! Don't forget about maintenance drugs like suboxone and naltrexone (a non opiate based drug which helps with cravings and helps those addicted transition to living without drugs and alcohol).
I hope some of this can help you!
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