meditation

I think we both had a mini stroke!!! lol

Dee74

D

northbelle

Just wanted to drop in here and say hey....my son came for 4 days and asked me if I still went to that chicken place..I thought he meant KFC but as it turns out it was the hen house he was referring to !
Wow Amy..you are really one tough chick! You hang in there with those jobs ...under conditions that a lesser woman would crumble under!
I have just been doing alot of working lately and going to trainings. I actually facilitated a workshop.,,,although I must say that me dabbling in pills has been affecting me a whole bunch and that is why I am posting here....have made myself feel pretty sick and insane using some xanax and just letting my recovery slide...I am not hopelessly addicted as of yet..honestly my addiction has progressed SO much that only a couple of days of my addictive behavior and I am DONE...it brings me to my knees immediatly! and the mental torture is too much for me. So I am back to two days clean now ...I have alot of stress going on in my life...and feel so overwhelmed and scared...working and paying 950 bucks a month in rent is killing me and is such a huge reponsibility after having the luxury of subsidized housing for 7 years! From 50 t0 950. Almost does not make working worth it plus I lost my sons medical and have to pay out of pocket..
I am just venting you guys..
I appreciate this thread so much you have no idea. I have had a hard time reaching out for support...and talking to people lately...I just don't have words or want to be around anyone . I put on a great act at work but it ain't easy to escape all the negativity I am feeling.

So did jay go to treatment? I am so proud of him. What a awesome kid he is.

Well I am just putting this out there ...love you guys..
norty

Dee74

I'm so glad you're back on the right road (((Norty)))...
If I've learned one thing with drugs is, there's never a good level for me to be involved in

D

Impurrfect

(((Norty))) - damn, it's good to see you back!! I love what C calls us - "the chicken place"

I'm glad you're back on track again, but stick around here, okay? Isolating isn't a good thing (know this from personal experience). And yes, ((Jay)) went into treatment a week ago. I'm praying he gets what he needs to deal with all the stuff he's had to go through.

I've got dye on my hair, and once it's done "cooking" will go out and do some stores. Thought the laptop died on me, again, but it just didn't want to come out of hibernate mode. Lesson learned, will shut it all the way down.

((Med)) and ((Dee)) - you guys have me so confused I'm not sure what day it is here? I think ((Dee)) is about 16 hours of my time, so that means he should be asleep

Hope everyone has a good day!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ananda

I'm struggling with the isolation thing

I don't know....I just can't seem to get out with others right now. Pretty down cause yesterday was my birthday, and the one person who i really wanted to treat me special didn't. Not gonna go into self pity about it, but it did hurt. Worried about Jason...worried about my brother...worried about money...just sorta a hard time.

With the way I'm going, I may not check back here for a few days. Sorry to be so self centered, but I'm struggling alot

Impurrfect

(((Nands))) :day1

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but I understand. I've been in and out of the isolation thing, this past week, too. Take good care of you, and you've got my e-mail if you wanna talk.

I will say, that when I finally made myself log on here, I did feel better

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

meditation

Good to see Norty and Ananda. We must all be really good at isolating. I understand how that feels. I no longer struggle with it, it's a normal part of my life being June Cleaver not venturing out much. I go out yeah but I can't wait to get back home. I hate when the phone rings, I don't dislike people I dunno what it is. Somebody called at 10 last night and said whatcha doing and I did not recognize the voice so I said not much whatcha doing and we had this bizarre conversation till we figured out she had the wrong number. LOL must have talked to her a good 5 minutes. Just weird.

So to all my fellow June's out there thank goodness for the internet, cause I can connect when I'm not confused, that is to people. I think I have engulfment fears. Probably why AA terrifies me so much, I don't really like people knowing all my vulnerabilities. It scares me but I've managed to open up to you guys here slowly and gradually. Trust is one of my issues.
I love you guys. Really. Truly.
Love to all the "chicken" people.

dreamscape

Hey NB , glad to see you here, it's a better place to get help/ or vent than FB. I have only 2 more weeks of work for 2010 then its off to treatment.

My best friend's dad died not too long ago of cancer and her mom is terminal with it right now and she (my best friend) was just treated for cervical cancer and now after a bone scan (for cancer) the specialist wants to see her right away ...**sigh**

She's my best friend but also like a daughter too, as we are 19 years apart.

Keep fighting the good fight, Belle
God is with us
Joe

karma35

hi all.. I am also a chronic isolator.. I know how that feels for sure.. So glad that people here can say it here.. Good to see you north and ananda .. Sorry its been tough..
Today is one day off my 30days but it's been the hardest.. Like we all feel, the internet is a way to get it out.-well i went to see a friend.. He lives in the same street as me.. A few days ago he was kind and cooked for us both - i went to suggest i cooked for him 2nite..and to ask to use his internet.. When he ummed and aahed i realised he prob didn't want to so i then asked him if the internet bit was possible as my house gets his signal.. Now that only involves putting his code in which has never been a prob but this time seemed to be different.. He paused and then said he didn't want his code going up the alley.. it took a min for me to get that he's had someone talking in his ear and because he doesn't know better i realised the stigma of heroin has taken another m8 from me through idle gossip.. It hurt.. His reaction wasn't to ask the truth.. And again i watched disgust on his face.. I didn't see the point of telling him i'm clean as his mind was made up so i left. then i phoned one more partly cos i really needed someone today to be normal with me .. This other friend just said its difficult and hung up.. I don't know whose saying stuff about me or why their doing it and it makes me want to curl up and never get up..the only good part of my day was getting back to bed where i'm again reduced to a mobile.. Its hard to not want to ask whats been said but i figured they wouldn't have given me an honest answer.. Since i am clean i think now is the time to leave and move.. I wanted to leave my emotional baggage here and not have to take it along..as its obviously going to be impossib to get work or have a life in this area without someone informing my employers or new friends of my past .. I've had enough..do people think it doesn't show on their face.. I know its sensitive of me but i'd already had a lonely day and was trying to reach out.. Now i don't feel like i want to again ..i don't bother anyone here usually anyway but today was like icing on the cake.. So here i am .. Prob should have just stuck to the phone huh ..sorry i'm ranting.. I feel like i'm silk and other people are sandpaper..abrasive.. Ok tomorrow is another day and i didn't use today so am ending on that.. I'm blessed to have here.. Love to you all.. Karma xxx

karma35

dreamscape .. I just noticed that you go to treatment in 2 weeks.. I'm so glad..i wish you the very best.. I'm so sorry your friend is going through so much. Bless you both. Xxx karma

40Thieves

Karma, so sorry to hear that you were mistreated and judged today. That is just wrong! You can hook up to my wi-fi any time you want!

I've been isolating a bit myself,,,seems to be the theme. Of course, I'm a bit of a hermit by nature so it is even harder for me. Work issues have really been piling up and I'm scared I can't handle the things coming my way.

Norty, a special shout out to you, girl. I hope you can quit playing with those pills, cuz we both know that isn't going to get you where you want to be. Think on the positive side,,,it's AWESOME that you are paying that rent and covering your son's insurance! You've come a long way, baby.

Continued good vibes being sent to Lenina and her slummy situation, and Amy and her job issues.

****{Med}}} ****{Dee}}} ****{Dreamscape}}} ****{Jaybird}}} ****{anyone I missed}}}

~40

Impurrfect

(((J))) - prayers being said for your friend and all who love her. I am SO glad to hear you are going into treatment

(((Karma))) - I'm sorry that people treated you like that, today. It just sucks. This is the first job I've had, since being in recovery, where everyone DOESN'T know my history. My last job..I was still locked up when I was hired (it was like a work-release thing) and then relapsed after a year...sigh.

The more time I stayed clean, though, the easier it got. I was totally open about it, and I had re-earned the trust of those who worked for me. It took a while, the 2nd time (after my relapse) but not really that long, when I think back about it. Hell, when I was hired, one of the girls was from NJ and used to yell, across the dining room "hey convict!" and there were 3 of us from the diversion center working there. We'd look at her, and just roll our eyes at her. I learned humor worked better than anything else, but some days it was tough.

I guess I had to be tough...HAD to have a job (we had to pay rent to be locked up!) and I just wanted to get OUT of lockup. By the time I did, it was 4-1/2 months later and I'd gained a lot of trust and could joke with people.

So, hang in there, sweetie. WE love you, and 30 days is fantabulous!!! Very proud of you!!

I had a headache, again today, so came home after class. I studied for this week's test, he gave us the one we were supposed to take last week, and I hadn't even looked at that stuff since last Mon., but still made a 98. I got 2 stores done, but need to go back to them, tomorrow, to do some returns. It doesn't LOOK like there is a lot of new stuff coming in, so hoping it won't take more than an hour to do each store.

I made Elvis come in, before I left as it was windy, overcast and chilly. When I backed out of my spot on the driveway, he was in the front yard? Guess he convinced dad to let him out. I went after him, he ran, so I went back to my car and saw him watching me..told him "you win". Got home, and he was curled up in my coat, at the foot of my bed...told him "I TOLD you, you didn't want to stay outside, ya big dummy!!"

Yep, been talking to the cats again....sigh.

(((40))) - sorry work issue have been piling up, but I have no doubt you'll be able to deal with it! I think I'm a hermit, too. I really MAY end up as "that old cat lady"!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Dee74

big hugs to anyone hurting today

Nands - isolation is bollocks and you know it - keep reaching out - thats the way through - you too 40t..jmed...don't make me come back there LOL

prayers for you and your friends Joe

Karma - I'm sorry...unfortunately we can't legislate for ignorance.

I hope everyone else is doing ok too....hope yr headache goes Amy.
Hope you're ok too Lee?


I'm tired but good - I'm getting a whole lot of handy dandy helping things happen tomorrow - hand rails and the like - should make life easier!

D

meditation

Karma,
gee I am so sorry the stigma won't go away. If it's any consolation, I really understand that. when my issues with drugs became public knowledge every nurse friend I had left, blocked me, would not return phone calls, I became that person no one wanted to know. Even my hubby was ashamed to talk about me. I got a phone call from one nurse that wanted to know why I took a dirt nap in the parking lot, not how am I or will I be okay but just why and I told her well I tried to kill myself which subconsciously I think I was really trying to do. Ah well, still working on the hurts. I don't blame you for wanting a move to have a clean slate and a new start. I'd do it myself if I could. I'm not allowed to leave the state yet. Well I could but I'd lose everything I've worked hard to regain. So I am choosing to try to stick it out, I'm not saying it's what everyone should do, I'm just incapable yet of doing it. I'd like to retire to a new little community close to a beach and just live out my life quietly maybe with less isolation but still peacefully and without having to apologize for the rest of my life for things. So a big big hug for your pain.

Dee~~~~ send us a pic of your new rails. Yay. I'm thinking of installing them when I get money in my shower so I don't kill myself.

40T~~~~ I hate you're feeling stressed. You know we love you here. A big hug (((())))))

Amy~~ I hope your headache gets better soon. I hope it stops raining on you tomorrow, I had to drive back home tonight in the rain. I hate night driving and I hate rainy streets so yarg not fun. Curl up with kitties and be cosy.

Love to Lenina, Glitter, Ananda, and CQ and any hen I missed that I did not mean to miss.

dreamscape

Sorry Karma, but keep in mind ..the people who gossip aren't off the hook, they have to live with themselves.

Stay with us, kiddo

karma35

hey
henhousers ↲ to 40- i hope your work stuff becomes less stressful..i think about what we actually accomplish on this journey is no small thing so i hope that tells you that you surely are capable of alot.. If you care about a result it shows that you aren't complacent and will prob work harder than someone without the insights we gain here ..good luck..
Dee and Joe thanks.. You are both right lol..Hope those fixtures work out for you D :-)↲
Meditation.. I know how you must feel.. If you have to fight for things it does make a difference.. I've had a bit of luck.. I'm off to stay at a friends little farmin portugal hopefully in the new Year..it will be pretty self sufficient and i can't wait for the peace.. Its been an
amazing offer.. Maybe you can visit virtually when we are set up.. ↲
Amy.. I have no idea how you always make all of us feel better.. You're so lovely.. When i was about 8 i told my parents that i wanted to grow up and live in the woods with 22 cats .. So not so nutty i think.. Hope work is ok this week.. ↲i hope that all other housers are keeping well.. I'll see you all soon.. ↲so thanks for the pick meup .. Your replies are cherished.. much love to you all xxx karma

Impurrfect

(((Karma))) - thank you. You just made me feel a WHOLE lot better

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

windysan

I've been having diarrhea

Dee74

Thats not a good thing to have windy - hope you feel better soon, man.

D