Falling for a struggling addict from a-far.
Kitty Paws
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2024
Posts: 2
Falling for a struggling addict from a-far.
Hi everyone. I'm new and a bit nervous to post this, but I don't particularly know where else to start.
Three months ago, I (26F) met this guy I'll call "T" (20M) online. We hit it off fantastically, and things turned romantic. It's been wonderful. I really like T, he's an absolutely amazing guy. Despite the fact he's a lot younger than me, that we're in different countries (T is in the UK and I'm in South Africa) and that he is an addict. When we first started talking, he was 7 months into being clean, and he has been open and honest from the start about everything. This wasn't his first time going through sobriety, but this was his longest. (Just felt that this was worth mentioning- I'm not an addict, and I don't consume alcohol or tobacco.)
He'd been struggling with cravings a few weeks ago, but managed to power through it up until this weekend. He had a bit of a breakdown and relapsed; and has been kicked out of his home. He's currently trying to find supporter accommodation. It's not his first time going through this, and although I don't have any experience being with someone struggling with addiction- I knew that something like this could definitely happen, and it's awful seeing someone I care about going through this especially from so far away. So far I've reassured him, I'm checking in on him, asking him what he needs from me to help and asked him how best I can support him during this time. Before, I would have been like "byeeee I'm not dealing with this", but I care very deeply about him- I'm not going to abandon him in during such a difficult time. We speak every day, we've video-called often and have had beautiful and meaningful conversations with one another.
He says that he wants to stay clean especially since he's met me, and wants to achieve his best in life in general but moreso now. I absolutely believe him- but naturally, I do have my concerns and reservations, especially with this relapse. I also understand that recovery isn't a straight line. It has many highs, lows and mundane moments. And while he's years ahead of himself, his age is something I have to take into consideration as well as distance.
This is new territory for me. How can I best support him from so far away? Do I just keep encouraging him to try his best, take it day by day and continue his journey on staying clean after this slip up?
Thank you so much, and I wish everyone the absolute best.
Three months ago, I (26F) met this guy I'll call "T" (20M) online. We hit it off fantastically, and things turned romantic. It's been wonderful. I really like T, he's an absolutely amazing guy. Despite the fact he's a lot younger than me, that we're in different countries (T is in the UK and I'm in South Africa) and that he is an addict. When we first started talking, he was 7 months into being clean, and he has been open and honest from the start about everything. This wasn't his first time going through sobriety, but this was his longest. (Just felt that this was worth mentioning- I'm not an addict, and I don't consume alcohol or tobacco.)
He'd been struggling with cravings a few weeks ago, but managed to power through it up until this weekend. He had a bit of a breakdown and relapsed; and has been kicked out of his home. He's currently trying to find supporter accommodation. It's not his first time going through this, and although I don't have any experience being with someone struggling with addiction- I knew that something like this could definitely happen, and it's awful seeing someone I care about going through this especially from so far away. So far I've reassured him, I'm checking in on him, asking him what he needs from me to help and asked him how best I can support him during this time. Before, I would have been like "byeeee I'm not dealing with this", but I care very deeply about him- I'm not going to abandon him in during such a difficult time. We speak every day, we've video-called often and have had beautiful and meaningful conversations with one another.
He says that he wants to stay clean especially since he's met me, and wants to achieve his best in life in general but moreso now. I absolutely believe him- but naturally, I do have my concerns and reservations, especially with this relapse. I also understand that recovery isn't a straight line. It has many highs, lows and mundane moments. And while he's years ahead of himself, his age is something I have to take into consideration as well as distance.
This is new territory for me. How can I best support him from so far away? Do I just keep encouraging him to try his best, take it day by day and continue his journey on staying clean after this slip up?
Thank you so much, and I wish everyone the absolute best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9,470
Q: How can you best support him?
A: Encourage him to get into active recovery, daily. If he's been kicked out of his own home, then it's clear he has come up against the boundaries of those who have loved and supported him at a new level. RED FLAG to be mindful of.... Any addict / alcoholic who has lost the support of his / her family, friends, enablers, will first and foremost be seeking a new set of supporters / enablers. CAUTION AHEAD: anything more than perhaps some moral support and encouragement to get help is likely putting you at risk.
Statement: "Before, I would have been like "byeeee I'm not dealing with this", but I care very deeply about him- I'm not going to abandon him in during such a difficult time."
What is different about 'before' versus now? You care very deeply about him... ok... but how does that change your personal boundary? What does it look like to you to 'not abandon' him?
RED FLAGS: (please don't take these personally or as an attack, but here's what I'd be reflecting on if I were you or if you were my daughter the types of concerns I'd see)
1) you've begun a 'relationship' with someone you met online, worlds apart, who is essentially still a child. I'm sorry to say it, but the difference between a 26 year old woman and a 20 year old man who still lives at home is tremendous in terms of maturity and brain development. Would you enter into a relationship with a 14 year old? If not, please be aware that you're likely engaged in one right now..... a 14 year old brain, psyche and emotional entity in a 20 year old body.
2) You can only offer so much from afar. You are not an addiction counselor. You are not experienced in dealing with addiction. You don't really even 'know' this person - because the fact is that all you know about them is what you learn in what they share online. Addicts / alcoholics are by nature self-centric, decietful and expert at weaving appearances to manipulate others. If is quite easy to have 'beautiful and meaningful' interactions with the curated persona an addict wishes you to see.
3) The very fact that you have found yourself attracted to and drawn into this situation is evidence enough to offer you the suggestion that you consider your own motives and reflect with self-awareness and self-honesty as to whether you may have any particular co-dependency traits, any alcoholics in your own family, any personal trauma or emotional patterns which might be underpinning this desire to cultivate such a relationship. It would be emotionally and intellectually honest and serve you both to draw some boundaries such as; "I think it best we keep our relationship limited to a friendship whilst you focus on your recovery and I on my own self development..." and allow yourself some space and he some motivation to focus on his getting well. YOU are not the support he needs. The support he needs will come from AA, rehab, a therapist, spiritual practices, or ideally some combination of all of the above.
NOTE - these are all opinions and may or may not be good 'advice' - so take them as the reflections of a man who is a father of three daughters and is thinking about this from that frame, as well as a man who has evolved through many stages of addiction, alcohol use, and the consequences to relationships.... I wish you the best, and from what you've shared, I wish you the intention that you exercise great caution and create boundaries for yourself while using this as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. You won't and cannot 'save' him - but you could stand to 'enable' him, whilst setting yourself up for hurt and negative consequences.
A: Encourage him to get into active recovery, daily. If he's been kicked out of his own home, then it's clear he has come up against the boundaries of those who have loved and supported him at a new level. RED FLAG to be mindful of.... Any addict / alcoholic who has lost the support of his / her family, friends, enablers, will first and foremost be seeking a new set of supporters / enablers. CAUTION AHEAD: anything more than perhaps some moral support and encouragement to get help is likely putting you at risk.
Statement: "Before, I would have been like "byeeee I'm not dealing with this", but I care very deeply about him- I'm not going to abandon him in during such a difficult time."
What is different about 'before' versus now? You care very deeply about him... ok... but how does that change your personal boundary? What does it look like to you to 'not abandon' him?
RED FLAGS: (please don't take these personally or as an attack, but here's what I'd be reflecting on if I were you or if you were my daughter the types of concerns I'd see)
1) you've begun a 'relationship' with someone you met online, worlds apart, who is essentially still a child. I'm sorry to say it, but the difference between a 26 year old woman and a 20 year old man who still lives at home is tremendous in terms of maturity and brain development. Would you enter into a relationship with a 14 year old? If not, please be aware that you're likely engaged in one right now..... a 14 year old brain, psyche and emotional entity in a 20 year old body.
2) You can only offer so much from afar. You are not an addiction counselor. You are not experienced in dealing with addiction. You don't really even 'know' this person - because the fact is that all you know about them is what you learn in what they share online. Addicts / alcoholics are by nature self-centric, decietful and expert at weaving appearances to manipulate others. If is quite easy to have 'beautiful and meaningful' interactions with the curated persona an addict wishes you to see.
3) The very fact that you have found yourself attracted to and drawn into this situation is evidence enough to offer you the suggestion that you consider your own motives and reflect with self-awareness and self-honesty as to whether you may have any particular co-dependency traits, any alcoholics in your own family, any personal trauma or emotional patterns which might be underpinning this desire to cultivate such a relationship. It would be emotionally and intellectually honest and serve you both to draw some boundaries such as; "I think it best we keep our relationship limited to a friendship whilst you focus on your recovery and I on my own self development..." and allow yourself some space and he some motivation to focus on his getting well. YOU are not the support he needs. The support he needs will come from AA, rehab, a therapist, spiritual practices, or ideally some combination of all of the above.
NOTE - these are all opinions and may or may not be good 'advice' - so take them as the reflections of a man who is a father of three daughters and is thinking about this from that frame, as well as a man who has evolved through many stages of addiction, alcohol use, and the consequences to relationships.... I wish you the best, and from what you've shared, I wish you the intention that you exercise great caution and create boundaries for yourself while using this as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. You won't and cannot 'save' him - but you could stand to 'enable' him, whilst setting yourself up for hurt and negative consequences.
origami aficionado
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 59
Age gap, geographical gap and addiction - now there's a challenge. Have you met in person?
While you're older than him you're still so young yourself and there are so many other great guys much closer that aren't addicts who were kicked out because their families had enough. Just putting it out there. Especially if you haven't met him and he's under a lot of pressure now that he's been thrown out on his ear.
But what if you've fallen for him and you don't want to "abandon" him? (Obviously you're not abandoning anyone looking after yourself, though you may feel you're doing just that if you broke things off.)
Maybe you worry you might be approaching this the wrong way even though it's the right thing to do, or else you wouldn't be asking. Supporting someone you love is a no-brainer, right? But the difficult times are kind of a boomerang with relapses and addiction and everything in between. It all depends on his level of maturity, why he wants to stop using, how long has he been an addict, and, more than anything else, his willingness to stay sober. Is he being honest about what went down with his family, what went wrong?
If you want to support him you need to make sure you aren't supporting his addiction more than anything else. You don't power through cravings, you don't white-knuckle sobriety; you call your sponsor, you go to a meeting. I'd encourage him to do work on his support system so that you're not ending up in its place. And I'd take a closer look at when he was thrown out and when you started falling for him.
All the best.
While you're older than him you're still so young yourself and there are so many other great guys much closer that aren't addicts who were kicked out because their families had enough. Just putting it out there. Especially if you haven't met him and he's under a lot of pressure now that he's been thrown out on his ear.
But what if you've fallen for him and you don't want to "abandon" him? (Obviously you're not abandoning anyone looking after yourself, though you may feel you're doing just that if you broke things off.)
Maybe you worry you might be approaching this the wrong way even though it's the right thing to do, or else you wouldn't be asking. Supporting someone you love is a no-brainer, right? But the difficult times are kind of a boomerang with relapses and addiction and everything in between. It all depends on his level of maturity, why he wants to stop using, how long has he been an addict, and, more than anything else, his willingness to stay sober. Is he being honest about what went down with his family, what went wrong?
If you want to support him you need to make sure you aren't supporting his addiction more than anything else. You don't power through cravings, you don't white-knuckle sobriety; you call your sponsor, you go to a meeting. I'd encourage him to do work on his support system so that you're not ending up in its place. And I'd take a closer look at when he was thrown out and when you started falling for him.
All the best.
Kitty Paws
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2024
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your very brutally honest response. I needed to hear that- I'll do everything I can to proceed on with caution, set boundaries in place to protect myself and keep on encouraging him to seek recovery and additional professional help.
You're right about the red flags, and the age gap still being a concern. Especially considering everything he's told me about what lead up to him being in this position in the first place. Regardless of him presenting himself as mature, as you've phrased it- I'm very likely dealing with the 14 yr old brain, psyche and emotional entity in the body of a 20 yr old. Also considering the length of time he's been an addict, I don't know why I hadn't taken that into consideration in the first place. I'll keep the deceitfulness in mind as well.
About the abandoning thing, I worded it poorly since I didn't want to come across as offensive. I meant to say that I had a terrible view of addicts before, with addicts being seen as "the worst of the worst, devils, evil people, etc" where I'm from, essentially. I had the impression that "addicts will never ever be able to stay in recovery" so I would've been too judgemental before. You're still right though. I need to set up and keep strong boundaries for myself, and I'd like to help wherever it's feasible and reasonable- but I can't fix, cure or save him.
You're right about the red flags, and the age gap still being a concern. Especially considering everything he's told me about what lead up to him being in this position in the first place. Regardless of him presenting himself as mature, as you've phrased it- I'm very likely dealing with the 14 yr old brain, psyche and emotional entity in the body of a 20 yr old. Also considering the length of time he's been an addict, I don't know why I hadn't taken that into consideration in the first place. I'll keep the deceitfulness in mind as well.
About the abandoning thing, I worded it poorly since I didn't want to come across as offensive. I meant to say that I had a terrible view of addicts before, with addicts being seen as "the worst of the worst, devils, evil people, etc" where I'm from, essentially. I had the impression that "addicts will never ever be able to stay in recovery" so I would've been too judgemental before. You're still right though. I need to set up and keep strong boundaries for myself, and I'd like to help wherever it's feasible and reasonable- but I can't fix, cure or save him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9,470
Originally Posted by kittypawcraze 
Thank you so much for your very brutally honest response. I needed to hear that- I'll do everything I can to proceed on with caution, set boundaries in place to protect myself and keep on encouraging him to seek recovery and additional professional help.
You're right about the red flags, and the age gap still being a concern. Especially considering everything he's told me about what lead up to him being in this position in the first place. Regardless of him presenting himself as mature, as you've phrased it- I'm very likely dealing with the 14 yr old brain, psyche and emotional entity in the body of a 20 yr old. Also considering the length of time he's been an addict, I don't know why I hadn't taken that into consideration in the first place. I'll keep the deceitfulness in mind as well.
About the abandoning thing, I worded it poorly since I didn't want to come across as offensive. I meant to say that I had a terrible view of addicts before, with addicts being seen as "the worst of the worst, devils, evil people, etc" where I'm from, essentially. I had the impression that "addicts will never ever be able to stay in recovery" so I would've been too judgemental before. You're still right though. I need to set up and keep strong boundaries for myself, and I'd like to help wherever it's feasible and reasonable- but I can't fix, cure or save him.
You're right about the red flags, and the age gap still being a concern. Especially considering everything he's told me about what lead up to him being in this position in the first place. Regardless of him presenting himself as mature, as you've phrased it- I'm very likely dealing with the 14 yr old brain, psyche and emotional entity in the body of a 20 yr old. Also considering the length of time he's been an addict, I don't know why I hadn't taken that into consideration in the first place. I'll keep the deceitfulness in mind as well.
About the abandoning thing, I worded it poorly since I didn't want to come across as offensive. I meant to say that I had a terrible view of addicts before, with addicts being seen as "the worst of the worst, devils, evil people, etc" where I'm from, essentially. I had the impression that "addicts will never ever be able to stay in recovery" so I would've been too judgemental before. You're still right though. I need to set up and keep strong boundaries for myself, and I'd like to help wherever it's feasible and reasonable- but I can't fix, cure or save him.
Hang around, I'm sure you'll find some good insights.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9,470
And hey... if you want a simple way to offer him support, here ya go - AA South Africa
Simultaneously a way to support him, to set yourself apart from the role of 'recovery coach' and to get a sense of his actual commitment to recovery.
Simultaneously a way to support him, to set yourself apart from the role of 'recovery coach' and to get a sense of his actual commitment to recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 62,779
Welcome, and I'm glad you found us.
The number one priority is for you to take care of yourself. You can offer encouraging words to him as he goes through recovery, but he is the one who has to do the work. Be sure to have clear boundaries that protect you. And, yes, addicts can stay in recovery. Take a look around the forum and you will find many members here with years of recovery. But, that has usually come with a lot of hard work.
Here is a link for AlAnon in South Africa. AlAnon would be a resource and support for you. Plus you will find lots of information and support here.
https://www.alanon.org.za/find-a-meeting/
The number one priority is for you to take care of yourself. You can offer encouraging words to him as he goes through recovery, but he is the one who has to do the work. Be sure to have clear boundaries that protect you. And, yes, addicts can stay in recovery. Take a look around the forum and you will find many members here with years of recovery. But, that has usually come with a lot of hard work.
Here is a link for AlAnon in South Africa. AlAnon would be a resource and support for you. Plus you will find lots of information and support here.
https://www.alanon.org.za/find-a-meeting/
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