Confused and Upset by Boyfriend
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Confused and Upset by Boyfriend
Hello. I have very much enjoyed reading people’s posts here and I finally decided to create an account. I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend about a year now. I
am so confused by him and his actions really depress me.
We work together outside in a physical job and he is a very hard worker. I didn’t know at first he was drinking on the job but the more we dated the more I realized that was what has happened. More than twice he has been so drunk at work he has been asked by bosses to leave (we operate tractors and equipment). I know I have in my own way enabled him as I have helped prepare our lunches and even bring non alcoholic beer for him to have at work.
He has stopped drinking at work (around me) but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t drink when I’m not around. I have told him I don’t mind him drinking a 6 pack a day but sometimes something sets him off into drinking 18 - 30+ beers in a night. I would love for him to be open to AA group or ANYTHING a step in the recovery direction so I’ve been OK with the NA beers at work. I asked him again about seeking counseling from a professional because we came against the failure of his willpower once again. He refuses and has his own reasons to not want to go. Technically it isn’t easy for us to get professional support because he is undocumented and does not have health insurance.
This last week every other day he has gone on a binge drinking over 18 beers in one day and then needing the next day to recover. I had a family trip planned out of town for this 4th of July holiday weekendnand I had expected him to be sober enough to continue to go to work, to take care of our pets needs and to keep our house safe when we were not home. His drinking has made me so scared because I see he cannot manage these basic things so I had to cancel my family reunion and instead I’m baking for him and cleaning his laundry.
What can I say to him today to encourage him to get help? I am terribly upset to lose my chance to see my family and I have to come to accept this as being what has happened. In the past I bought concert tickets and the night of event he got so drunk we couldn’t attend the event and for some reason I had trusted he would be able to manage on his own for 5 days. I don’t want to hate my boyfriend for losing my family reunion. I want to support his path to help. I don’t want to enable my boyfriend. I don’t want to let my codependent tendencies help the existing issues. Any advice is welcome. We work together. We live together. We are early 40s.
am so confused by him and his actions really depress me.
We work together outside in a physical job and he is a very hard worker. I didn’t know at first he was drinking on the job but the more we dated the more I realized that was what has happened. More than twice he has been so drunk at work he has been asked by bosses to leave (we operate tractors and equipment). I know I have in my own way enabled him as I have helped prepare our lunches and even bring non alcoholic beer for him to have at work.
He has stopped drinking at work (around me) but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t drink when I’m not around. I have told him I don’t mind him drinking a 6 pack a day but sometimes something sets him off into drinking 18 - 30+ beers in a night. I would love for him to be open to AA group or ANYTHING a step in the recovery direction so I’ve been OK with the NA beers at work. I asked him again about seeking counseling from a professional because we came against the failure of his willpower once again. He refuses and has his own reasons to not want to go. Technically it isn’t easy for us to get professional support because he is undocumented and does not have health insurance.
This last week every other day he has gone on a binge drinking over 18 beers in one day and then needing the next day to recover. I had a family trip planned out of town for this 4th of July holiday weekendnand I had expected him to be sober enough to continue to go to work, to take care of our pets needs and to keep our house safe when we were not home. His drinking has made me so scared because I see he cannot manage these basic things so I had to cancel my family reunion and instead I’m baking for him and cleaning his laundry.
What can I say to him today to encourage him to get help? I am terribly upset to lose my chance to see my family and I have to come to accept this as being what has happened. In the past I bought concert tickets and the night of event he got so drunk we couldn’t attend the event and for some reason I had trusted he would be able to manage on his own for 5 days. I don’t want to hate my boyfriend for losing my family reunion. I want to support his path to help. I don’t want to enable my boyfriend. I don’t want to let my codependent tendencies help the existing issues. Any advice is welcome. We work together. We live together. We are early 40s.
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Originally Posted by TreceTracy 
I don’t want to enable my boyfriend. I don’t want to let my codependent tendencies help the existing issues. Any advice is welcome. We work together. We live together. We are early 40s.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Your post makes for a very uncomfortable read, albeit a familiar one.
I'd love to put a 'virtual' arm round you and tell you that as long as you love him and support him, he will find his way through this. Unfortunately the reality is that every day you stand by him like you describe your are indeed enabling him.
Focus on yourself and your codependency tendancies which will inevitably require putting as much distance between you and him as you can possibly bare. It is the kindest thing for BOTH of you.
Apologies for being so blunt. Good luck, I really feel for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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There are no magic words to convince someone who is not ready to get help to get it. The very best thing you can do is focus your energy on taking care of yourself, and stop enabling him. Give him the dignity of an adult human who must deal with the consequences of their choices.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Fron the way you describe his drinking i don't think its likely he is going to be able to limit his drinking. Its likely that abstinence will be the only way. Its almost certain that he will have to either stop drinking completely or fall further into alcoholism.
Most of the time we alcoholics don't stop drinking until we feel that we have to. In active alcoholism many of us don't see a life without alcohol as even a possibility. We aren't alcoholic because we drink. We drink because we are alcoholic. The alcoholism is the sickness and we treat it with alcohol. As long as we are comfortable, why stop drinking? Some of us stop drinking because of legal trouble, failed relationships, lost custody of children, no place to live, serious health problems, loss of job. Sometimes a combination and sometimes some of these events happen multiple times. Sometimes life has to press us pretty hard to even consider a life without alcohol. In active alcoholism its such a comfort to know no matter what you can always turn to a drink at any time. Its very hard to accept this is no longer a possibility. Some say we look at alcohol like its God. For many spirituality is at the center of recovery.
You may have to offer an ultimatum and its possible that no matter what you do he may not stop. Right now he has a relationship, a place to live, employment. Losing or the threat of losing these things may or may not bring him to the table.
Hopefully deep down, at least a part of him may be tired of alcohol. English is my only language but I've noticed AA is offered in other languages. This may be a good start to network with other alcoholics in recovery. Some people in these meetings were likely in his situation and will help any way they can.
Most of the time we alcoholics don't stop drinking until we feel that we have to. In active alcoholism many of us don't see a life without alcohol as even a possibility. We aren't alcoholic because we drink. We drink because we are alcoholic. The alcoholism is the sickness and we treat it with alcohol. As long as we are comfortable, why stop drinking? Some of us stop drinking because of legal trouble, failed relationships, lost custody of children, no place to live, serious health problems, loss of job. Sometimes a combination and sometimes some of these events happen multiple times. Sometimes life has to press us pretty hard to even consider a life without alcohol. In active alcoholism its such a comfort to know no matter what you can always turn to a drink at any time. Its very hard to accept this is no longer a possibility. Some say we look at alcohol like its God. For many spirituality is at the center of recovery.
You may have to offer an ultimatum and its possible that no matter what you do he may not stop. Right now he has a relationship, a place to live, employment. Losing or the threat of losing these things may or may not bring him to the table.
Hopefully deep down, at least a part of him may be tired of alcohol. English is my only language but I've noticed AA is offered in other languages. This may be a good start to network with other alcoholics in recovery. Some people in these meetings were likely in his situation and will help any way they can.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Mid-Atlantic states
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I was thinking the same thing as Solar Bear, Trece. Maybe a little distance for a few days would help you be able to breathe a little bit and feel like you are not so in the thick of it.
What others have said is very true about you needing to take care of yourself, but I understand what it is like to worry a lot about a partner and want to help them, but then to fear that anything you do is a sign of codependence.
Right now, though, the only person you have any control over is yourself. You will never ever convince someone else to stop drinking unless they want to. When I quit drinking in 2020 it was because my partner gave me an ultimatum and basically said, "If we don't make it, you need to understand why you drink the way you do because it is going to kill you." I don't know what it was about that particular sentence that hit me square in the eyes, but it did. I quit drinking two weeks later.
It sounds as though your partner is drinking extreme amounts of alcohol which just multiplies all of the difficulties by many times. Exponentially.
Maybe if you take the step to love yourself and go visit your family it will send a clear message. I feel very strongly that right now YOU must be good to YOU.
What others have said is very true about you needing to take care of yourself, but I understand what it is like to worry a lot about a partner and want to help them, but then to fear that anything you do is a sign of codependence.
Right now, though, the only person you have any control over is yourself. You will never ever convince someone else to stop drinking unless they want to. When I quit drinking in 2020 it was because my partner gave me an ultimatum and basically said, "If we don't make it, you need to understand why you drink the way you do because it is going to kill you." I don't know what it was about that particular sentence that hit me square in the eyes, but it did. I quit drinking two weeks later.
It sounds as though your partner is drinking extreme amounts of alcohol which just multiplies all of the difficulties by many times. Exponentially.
Maybe if you take the step to love yourself and go visit your family it will send a clear message. I feel very strongly that right now YOU must be good to YOU.
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Originally Posted by TreceTracy
I don�t want to hate my boyfriend for losing my family reunion. I want to support his path to help.
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