Hodd

Hi Matilda, I’m super glad you made it back. Quotes like your’s above are harrowing, so we should be thankful to you and others for sharing your experience. It’s what stopped me from thinking I could drink again. Thanks 🙂

joe801

I guess my one word would be freedom.

There was another component that felt I was doing wrong, where that came from I don't know. It was like having two voices, one promoted self harm and the other tried to stop it.

'Some kind of psychological event or some invisible hand I don't know. Ultimately the choice had to be made and with total commitment.

KneePads

☹️ I know how that feels Choices (the shame, disappointment), it’s no way to live. I was the worst for mentally berating myself over and over, it’s evil, I would never speak to anyone else as badly as I spoke to myself.
Can’t put a price on inner peace xxx

DriGuy

I started reading your list of reasons, and kept saying to myself, "Nope, not that. And not that one either," until you said:

And that one right there is the biggest reason I quit drinking. I was tired of being a fool. As you say, there are lots of other reasons, but to not end up being that fool is the biggest reason I won't take that first drink today. People quit for health reasons, family reasons, and God knows what else, and those are good reasons too. But to me, they are more like freebees that just come with the territory. I can't really find the words to describe how bad it made me feel to run into people downtown over and over again when I was drunk. Even at home alone, I would look at myself doing stupid drunk things. I just was just an ugly picture. I couldn't live with that person anymore, even if others might tolerate it.

KneePads

Freedom has to be the meaning of sobriety in its rawest form. It IS freeing isn’t it. It’s like getting out of a dark prison and breathing the fresh air deep into your lungs!

The two voices thing. I’d go as far as to say I think I’ve got 3! My body, my brain and then the other one that thinks outside of those things! The soul maybe? I don’t know, but I know what you mean xxx

brighterday1234

No more guilt 🙏

KneePads

Hey Dri! We can share the ‘drunken-embarrassment-avoidance-bus’ together!
The words that jumped out to me from your comment are: “I was just an ugly picture”. Yep. That’s exactly how I felt. EXACTLY how I felt. I would want to crawl into a hole and die from doing embarrassing stuff. I dreaded bumping into people, I wore black, wanted to be invisible, eventually was struggling to leave the house because I was so humiliated with myself.

It’s a bloody effective motivator for staying sober though! And the fact that this too is your motivation for not picking up a drink and you have all those sober years under your belt, it makes me think I’m in good company with this!

xxx

KneePads

I don’t know about you Ogls, but I have always pushed things to their almost-breaking limit my whole life. I’d push something as far as it could possibly go without doing something irreversible. I don’t know how I know where the limit is sometimes, but I just seem to have a sense for it. I too was at the point, like you say, where I knew very soon I wasn’t going to be able to get away with it for much longer. Jump or be pushed. And I just KNEW. As sure as anything. When you know, you know.
So glad we both had that strength to look at the forked road and make the right choice!
xxx

joe801

I can understand that. It's something that can't easily be verbalized and not seen but appears nearly everyone experiences. It's like people being linked to something, almost like experience is the universal language instead of math, and perception is the interpretation of the language. We can see the subatomic level of particles and see no evidence of what we experience, maybe instead of the close-up view, the answer is in the big picture. Maybe we're searching in the wrong direction.

And that's much like alcoholism, we any see the six inches in front of our faces. And then when sober we can see and try to interpret the big picture.

Excellent topic KneePads.

Dee74

I have so much capacity sober

D

Libby06

I don't ever want my grand kids to see that dark side of me.

Oglsby

You are SPOT ON here. And I pushed those limits to the VERY end. I realized maybe 2 months before I stopped drinking.,......oh, this BETTER STOP.

I had given up other vices years before.

It's like being a very strong person but being bullheaded and using that to also make poor decisions and justify them.

And I am SUPER happy about my decision, and I have talked to a couple of other people on here who were the same too, but I DO wish I could have done it much younger, but at this point, it is what it is. I have had an amazing 4 years in May and feel like I've lived 15 years. You will LOVE that time does NOT seem to speed up. It becomes normal, slowed down and wonderful. I've done more in 4 years than I did in 15. Seriously.

RecklessDrunk

In the beginning it was for the best possible outcome in court. My case had a lot of grey area. Deep down I seriously started to consider what alcohol was really doing in my life. Is this why I fell so short of what I thought my potential was?

4 months prior I had lost one of my best friends to an over dose. He was an addict, never much of a drinker. I saw firsthand how turning his life over to God kept him sober for about a decade straight. What his life was like when he stayed on that path and what would happen any time he slid off that path. Even though I was in active alcoholism he restored my faith in God when he first got clean. Could this work for me? This jump started my recovery in AA.

It kills me that I didn't know then about recovery what I know now. I wish I could've been useful when he was struggling. I had no clue even what was wrong with me, let alone how to fix it.

The things I'm working on now, it just seems so far past not drinking. A lot of fine tuning and cleaning things up. The path I'm trying to walk and the standard I've set for myself is well beyond anything I could've dreamed of. Thats in general why I don't drink.

Most importantly I'm not drinking TODAY because I know its not going to really do much if anything good. I don't want the anxiety tomorrow. I have a job I enjoy and l need to be at my best. Its not inline with my fitness objectives. It would definitely mess up tomorrow's prayer and meditation session, getting dialed in with God. No way could alcohol, with any consistency, match that good of a feeling as when things are rolling for me in recovery. I can find enjoyment in the simplest things. Even with high functioning autism i can be sober and comfortable around other people, even strangers. Its amazing what God has done for me. Alcohol at best could only throw me a short lived illusion of well-being.

Offthemast

I can relate to so much of that Reckless. Well said. Thx.

DeplorableDog

If someone told me I could only have one reason to quit I would still name off at least 50.

Pekelover2

Guilt/shame

KneePads

Oh Peke ❤️ The shame and guilt are just so damaging aren’t they? They totally obliterate any self worth. I’m so grateful we are sober now xxx we don’t have to go back to that dark, hellish place ever again xxx

KneePads

I know Dog, there are so many reasons. I can relate to every reason!

freedomfries

Oh totally. My four and seven year old nephews hate me, but the older niece and nephew I babysat as a sober teenager don't and the 2yo and 2month old nephews don't have to hate me either.

KneePads

I love this so much Reckless. You sound like you’ve really been through the battle ground and come out of the other side a totally reformed character. You sound so peaceful with yourself, I don’t think anyone could ever ask for more than that.

May I ask…did you get an official autism diagnosis in childhood or later in life? Also - Do you think that having autism was one of the reasons you used alcohol?
No pressure to answer if you don’t want to! I am just very interested in this topic, I wish someone would do a post about it!
xxx