FDL180922

Well . After having tried this many a time before and always convinced myself I don’t have a problem and eventually just slipped back into excessive drinking.

I guess the difference this time is I haven’t done anything utterly shameful to prompt this .

truth is I’m totally depressed and alcohol is making it all worse . It makes me not do things I should be doing , I crave the midweek drink after a stressful day . And occasionally it leads to other poor decision making in my life .

it’s a big problem for me and I’ve know it for a long time.

I’ve had a very stressful year . I lost my father to a battle with cancer which has led to much grief . I have finally had the strength to start seeing a psychologist over the last few months which is helpful but very difficult. I haven’t talked much about my misuse of alcohol yet.

I drink a lot . Perhaps 5 maybe 6 nights a week most weeks and rarely have more than a few days with none at all. I tell myself I’ve deserved it or it’s just a few . This weekend it led to me taking cocaine . This isn’t something that ever really happens but if I hadn’t drank I certainly wouldn’t have made that choice.

im 40 this year . I can’t do this anymore. I am angry at myself that I am so weak and find the prospect of not drinking so daunting .

I don’t know where to start .I feel so ashamed

FDL180922

I’m so depressed. I don’t even see the point of life . I love my family and try to keep my feet on the ground for them. I get up for work every day and just get on with it , but I don’t know why. I know my drinking is making these feelings worse.
I spoil everything for myself always have , and I need to break this cycle

fishkiller

Hey Benjamin
Glad to "see" ya!

You said the magic words in early sobriety.
Break The Cycle

Do things differently. Change your routine.
When I was a few weeks sober I drove to the store at like 8pm. Because I could. I was sober. Hadn't been able to do that in a very long time.
It was a small thing in the big picture but it helped me realize there is a world out there beyond the drunken haze that had been my life forever.

Dee74

Welcome back Benjamin

Yeah, a lot of my dark view about life and myself actually came from the drinking too.

It took a while, but I began to reemerge as the real me - more positive more optimistic.

It all starts with a day one, man

D

least

Benjamin, don't hate yourself. You're not weak, you're addicted. . All of us addicts are. It's not a character flaw, it's a medical condition. I hope you'll come here often to post and read and break the cycle.

calmself

Towards the later stages of my drinking career, I started finding very good reasons to drink. Many reasons seemed unique to me and I was not able to manage day to day stress and long term issues without drinking. Later did I realize that most of the stress was due to my regular drinking episodes. I didn't want to but I had to. That's the power of alcohol. Most addictive, there's no bottom. There's no mercy.

brighterday1234

There is a positive contented state of mind available but it can only happen with total abstinence and living a recovery from alcoholism program in my experience. As you have realised alcohol just compounds the misery and leads to maladaptive choices. There is a solution 🙏

FDL180922

thankyou fish killer . I need to do something positive after work . The challenge is doing it when very down. I hear what you say about because you could! I nearly wrote I can’t afford to make unnecessary journeys , but then I wouldn’t be buying drink would I! Almost like my head makes excuses automatically

FDL180922

thanks Dee . I’m so scared of failing . The hardest bit is when the complacency kicks in

FDL180922

im going to try least , thankyou .
I realise addiction is a problem for me in many ways not just alcohol. It’s often all or nothing for me . Depressingly pathetic personality

FDL180922

yes calmself it’s a mixture of plain bad habit and excuses . Bad day at work drink , bad news drink , good news drink , celebrate- drink , bored - drink !

FDL180922

[QUOTE=brighterday1234;7853857]There is a positive contented state of mind available but it can only happen with total abstinence and living a recovery from alcoholism program in my experience. As you have realised alcohol just compounds the misery and leads to maladaptive choices. There is a solution 🙏[/QU

I think my emotional state of mind has a large part to play brighterday. I am working through my emotional state with my psychiatrist, I don’t seem to be able to know how situations make me feel . I am realising perhaps alcohol has helped me blot this out for a long time now . I’m really scared of failing

Tailai

Hi Benjamin. I can relate to what you say about grief over your father dying. I was 43 when my dad died and looking back at it now that’s when my drinking really accelerated. I say looking back now because I didn’t even realize what was happening at the time. Drinking was the only thing I liked to do so that’s what I did. It took me years to understand this was not a sustainable or desirable way to live. I think this is where you are now. Now you need a plan to change your lifestyle that works for you and that you can commit to with discipline and patience. The plan that worked for me was a daily routine of exercise, practicing gratitude & eliminating negative thinking, and reading and posting here. Some people do AA or other recovery programs. If you’re like most people here, including myself, you will “fail”, if you define failure as relapsing. I like to think of it as learning, getting educated, and adjusting to the downturns in a positive and productive way. No doubt it’s a commitment but it’s so worth it. It took me three times to finally be alcohol free and I think that’s a success. I’m rooting for you!

fishkiller

To me that would be your AV talking.
The liar
"nah we can't afford to do that. We can only stay here and drink. Come on man, it's what we do!"
Your logical brain has already dis missed it as foolish. That's a good sign.

Free2bme888

B123, please tell your therapist IMMEDIATELY if you feel suicidal. It’s not a good feeling.

Maybe inpatient detox? Money well spent for many people who need that extra push to get started in their journey to a free life

fishkiller

I have that same depressingly pathetic personality trait.
All or nothing.
I use it to my advantage.
Moderation only allows me to have "some". Nope that won't work
If I drink I have to have it all. Nope that won't work either. Tried it.
Well I guess as far as alcohol is concerned it will be none then.

I want All of what life has to offer.
Only way to get it is sober.

Alpine

Benjamin. when I was drinking I thought everything, initially, was just fine. However, I kept slipping further and further down to a horrible place to live and I had wished I had a button to turn myself off. I was massively depressed and had huge anxiety, and especially when I had not had a drink for a lttle bit. I had to drink again to make those feelings go away which only lasted for a short time period then I cycled back down. It absolutely stunk. I have had several day 1s and the last one was rough but got better after the first week of sobriety. Do I still get depressed, sure, it is part of life but being sober I am better able to deal with it with a clear authentic mind vs an alcohol thought which is 100% not the way I would react or problem solve. I wish you the absolute best.
As you can see, I have been here just under a year, but have kept SR very close to me. I post often and read here often. The people here have helped me so much.

fishkiller

yup
We drink. It's what we do.
The Work is changing how we react to situations.
When all else fails the Golden Rule comes to play.
Do Not Drink, No Matter What

We need to navigate all the above situations sober a few times to get the hang of it. Sometimes that requires strength we didn't realize we had. You have that strength.
Just gotta dig it out.

fishkiller

[QUOTE=Benjamin123;7853869] Not sure your age and history but I've been drinking since my youth and now that I am sober a while I can definitely confirm alcohol screws with our ability to process information. Throws our emotions all out of whack.
At the end of my drinking career I was pretty sure I was going insane and would not see old age. There was a point I didn't really care to.

Now that the poison is long gone from my system I feel like a new man. I want to live forever.
It is hard at times though. Things get tough and old reliable isn't there to numb it. That's more Work but man it leads to a Freedom I had never known.

You can do it
You will Not fail

Just don't drink today

FDL180922

Thanks Fishkiller. That’s just how it is. Crazy how your mind can play tricks on you. I guess it’s being aware of that too. I find this easier at the hard times . I need to figure out ways of reminding myself when complacency kicks in