Wanted to go straight, but failed
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dpac, there's definitely an allure to the 'simpler times'. I've thought a lot about my own childhood and, as far as, 'being able to be a kid' was concerned, I had all the opportunities for that. I always get real sad, when I read here on SR that people had a rough childhood or were abused. I've no doubt now that I have always been somewhat of a 'sensie' (wish it was sensei, but yeah), because I feel 'too much' at times. Since it isn't about comparisons, but all of our experiences, then I can also share that I have some bad highlights from the time my parents split. Part of how it unfolded was that my father took me and my sister to his new family. Just, totally randomly. I was 6 and I was totally confused when he greeted 'the other lady' with a kiss on the mouth. When we got back home, after some time, my mother sort of crouched down in front of me and said 'It's okay to say this, nothing bad will happen, but did your father do something ...weird or different, when you were there?'. And I told her about the things I saw. That's how the fact came to light and the rest unfolded. At some point before my father took off for good, he managed to throw a TV remote at me and remind me that 'you're never getting any candy from me again, don't even ask'. There were other moments when kids were involved in the parents' quarrels. Like the one where my mother took me and my sister, walked us to our father as the 'look at them and tell them you don't want them anymore!'. And he did. So, there's trauma in my childhood, but it was never physical. None of those psychological issues were ever addressed though, so a lot of my weird emanates from that, most notably my debilitating fear of rejection.
Otherwise my childhood was great, once that turbulence passed. Since my grandmother had no more 'projects' of her own lol, she read from the newspaper that a nearby school (she lives 25 miles from my hometown, in the so-called university city) was having entrance exams; I was taken there and I got in. So, I lived with my grandparents for 12 years during the weekdays for school and grew up with my grandmother at the helm, who is the kindest person, but is also an 'old school woman', meaning discipline and politeness were natural requirements. Since there are no private schools here as such, all schools are public and vying for the top spot - mine turned out to be in the 'top 5' in a country which has its education system ranked at no 10 in the world (boy, did I get some mileage out of that one for years
). The school also specialised in the English language (and British history/culture). You could easily say that my parents splitting up and grandmother taking me in and off my mother's hands to relieve pressure was the best thing for me regarding education and opportunities. Unfortunately, I was such a 'good kid' with straight A's not because I was that good or smart or whatever, but because I was terribly afraid of being rejected. So, I always did my homework and I wanted to do it the best I can; I was always in choir practice etc. A very dependable kid and there were never any problems with me growing up. At a 6th grade parent-teacher meeting my class teacher had told my grandma 'if all kids were like K, there would be no work left for us'. I was diligent, because I thought that kept me 'accepted'. I also remember nervously bursting into tears in the 4th grade, because I got a B on a quiz. Normal, right?
There's no surprise then that when I was introduced to alcohol at 16, self-medicating (if not alcoholism) would have been in the cards for certain anyways. Looking back, my existence on the outside was that of near-perfection as far as stereotypical 'this kid is gonna go far' considerations are concerned. Inside, I was a broken young person with control issues, abandonment and self image problems and an untreated inferiority complex that I often bandaged over by being arrogant, nasty and combative.
I realised a lot later that while I thought I wanted to be 'better than others' (and was very vocal about it for a long time), I actually just wanted to be at peace with myself. But in order for those acknowledgements to even become possible, 'everything I knew' had to be taken away from me. So that I could see the problems that lied beneath.
Oh, and I know Stranger Things, but I haven't watched it. I procrastinate too much as it is
mariposa - I agree, small children with smartphones is not a good idea. Emotionally and cognitively, they don't separate reality and fiction all that great, so who knows what effects technology use (the way that it is) can have on a developing person. Some stark 'life isn't going to be what you want by pressing a button' revelations are in store for a lot of the kids nowadays.
PS: if my 'education story' sounds arrogant or ego-driven etc, I apologise because I was simply trying to paint a picture of how I interacted with the outside world, what I thought its requirements were and the effort I put into 'being accepted' rather than doing what I felt like I really wanted to do. Nevertheless, I have to admit being very dismissive of 'others' for years and a generally arrogant ***** when it came to such matters. Thus, my own personal disappointment and unhappines were by no means a surprise. For example, my decision to go to law school was based on the misconception that law in the modern world has something to do with justice. That was 50% of my decision, because from a very early age I felt like I wanted to 'restore justice'. The other half was "well, people think highly of lawyers and doctors, but I can't stand blood, so lawyer it is". Hello, inferiority complex. For years I toiled towards that goal just to realise in the end that it wasn't what I personally wanted AT ALL.
Otherwise my childhood was great, once that turbulence passed. Since my grandmother had no more 'projects' of her own lol, she read from the newspaper that a nearby school (she lives 25 miles from my hometown, in the so-called university city) was having entrance exams; I was taken there and I got in. So, I lived with my grandparents for 12 years during the weekdays for school and grew up with my grandmother at the helm, who is the kindest person, but is also an 'old school woman', meaning discipline and politeness were natural requirements. Since there are no private schools here as such, all schools are public and vying for the top spot - mine turned out to be in the 'top 5' in a country which has its education system ranked at no 10 in the world (boy, did I get some mileage out of that one for years
). The school also specialised in the English language (and British history/culture). You could easily say that my parents splitting up and grandmother taking me in and off my mother's hands to relieve pressure was the best thing for me regarding education and opportunities. Unfortunately, I was such a 'good kid' with straight A's not because I was that good or smart or whatever, but because I was terribly afraid of being rejected. So, I always did my homework and I wanted to do it the best I can; I was always in choir practice etc. A very dependable kid and there were never any problems with me growing up. At a 6th grade parent-teacher meeting my class teacher had told my grandma 'if all kids were like K, there would be no work left for us'. I was diligent, because I thought that kept me 'accepted'. I also remember nervously bursting into tears in the 4th grade, because I got a B on a quiz. Normal, right? There's no surprise then that when I was introduced to alcohol at 16, self-medicating (if not alcoholism) would have been in the cards for certain anyways. Looking back, my existence on the outside was that of near-perfection as far as stereotypical 'this kid is gonna go far' considerations are concerned. Inside, I was a broken young person with control issues, abandonment and self image problems and an untreated inferiority complex that I often bandaged over by being arrogant, nasty and combative.
I realised a lot later that while I thought I wanted to be 'better than others' (and was very vocal about it for a long time), I actually just wanted to be at peace with myself. But in order for those acknowledgements to even become possible, 'everything I knew' had to be taken away from me. So that I could see the problems that lied beneath.
Oh, and I know Stranger Things, but I haven't watched it. I procrastinate too much as it is
mariposa - I agree, small children with smartphones is not a good idea. Emotionally and cognitively, they don't separate reality and fiction all that great, so who knows what effects technology use (the way that it is) can have on a developing person. Some stark 'life isn't going to be what you want by pressing a button' revelations are in store for a lot of the kids nowadays.
PS: if my 'education story' sounds arrogant or ego-driven etc, I apologise because I was simply trying to paint a picture of how I interacted with the outside world, what I thought its requirements were and the effort I put into 'being accepted' rather than doing what I felt like I really wanted to do. Nevertheless, I have to admit being very dismissive of 'others' for years and a generally arrogant ***** when it came to such matters. Thus, my own personal disappointment and unhappines were by no means a surprise. For example, my decision to go to law school was based on the misconception that law in the modern world has something to do with justice. That was 50% of my decision, because from a very early age I felt like I wanted to 'restore justice'. The other half was "well, people think highly of lawyers and doctors, but I can't stand blood, so lawyer it is". Hello, inferiority complex. For years I toiled towards that goal just to realise in the end that it wasn't what I personally wanted AT ALL.
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Today can be best described through what I'm doing right now: eating chocolate chip cookies and doing nothing else.
Second day without a work offer and I'm already feeling kind of rudderless. Work puts that necessary structure into the day, it's less affected by a lack of motivation (although it definitely takes a hit on those 'off' days) and generally makes me feel useful. I've noticed that on days off, I find myself just sitting around the apartment. Cooking and watching documentaries. Both are good things in reasonable quantities, but I can't cook all the time and watching documentaries throughout the day would maybe be justified if I had a cold or sth.
So, if I don't get work tomorrow, I'll figure out small tasks for myself that I can complete throughout the day.
I should really also get back to finishing the manuscript, as it was on leave for the entirety of last week.
I'm not sure if I even thought about alcohol today.
End of Day 57. I did not drink today.
Second day without a work offer and I'm already feeling kind of rudderless. Work puts that necessary structure into the day, it's less affected by a lack of motivation (although it definitely takes a hit on those 'off' days) and generally makes me feel useful. I've noticed that on days off, I find myself just sitting around the apartment. Cooking and watching documentaries. Both are good things in reasonable quantities, but I can't cook all the time and watching documentaries throughout the day would maybe be justified if I had a cold or sth.
So, if I don't get work tomorrow, I'll figure out small tasks for myself that I can complete throughout the day.
I should really also get back to finishing the manuscript, as it was on leave for the entirety of last week.
I'm not sure if I even thought about alcohol today.
End of Day 57. I did not drink today.
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I've felt absolutely useless today. Not good. Nothing feels right.
I have no wish to drink, but I find myself in a dumb situation. I'm 'somewhere in the middle'. Not actively drinking, so I dont have those millions of problems breathing down my neck. But I feel as if I'm not actively sober either (if that makes any sense?). I recognise that I'm whining. Guess I just wanted to whine. Can't find the energy to get out and do something. Just a blank, zero, nothing. Stare at a screen with nothing in my brain (although I wanted to write), start doing research for an article (tired after 15 minutes), didn't even consider going for a walk (because 'outside' was too far as calculated by my brain) etc.
As an example - how unmotivated does a videogame loving person have to be in order not to consider 'playing a new video game he has been waiting for' as reason enough to do something?
Ugh.
End of Day 58. I did not drink today.
I have no wish to drink, but I find myself in a dumb situation. I'm 'somewhere in the middle'. Not actively drinking, so I dont have those millions of problems breathing down my neck. But I feel as if I'm not actively sober either (if that makes any sense?). I recognise that I'm whining. Guess I just wanted to whine. Can't find the energy to get out and do something. Just a blank, zero, nothing. Stare at a screen with nothing in my brain (although I wanted to write), start doing research for an article (tired after 15 minutes), didn't even consider going for a walk (because 'outside' was too far as calculated by my brain) etc.
As an example - how unmotivated does a videogame loving person have to be in order not to consider 'playing a new video game he has been waiting for' as reason enough to do something?
Ugh.
End of Day 58. I did not drink today.
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Sometimes even playing video games is too much. I get it. (Although Stardew Valley has really been doing it for me in terms of low stress soothing games)
Everyone has days like that. It's all right. Just take a hot shower and do something that does feel good, even if it's just going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
Everyone has days like that. It's all right. Just take a hot shower and do something that does feel good, even if it's just going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Thanks for your support guys, I really appreciate it.
Today unfortunately wasn't any different. I'm in a slump. Today there was also some random neck pain and a headache.
End of Day 59. I did not drink today.
Today unfortunately wasn't any different. I'm in a slump. Today there was also some random neck pain and a headache.
End of Day 59. I did not drink today.
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I think this is really where the idea of "recovery" vs. "just not drinking" comes into play.
Obviously you're allowed to have off days. We all do. But perhaps the cloud is wearing off and just feeling good due to not drinking just isn't cutting it anymore. Are you doing anything else for yourself to aid in your recovery and growth?
Keep moving forward. It's also possible that it's just a bit of a slump. But if it continues, I think I would look into some other options that could be helpful. Daily readings, gratitude, maybe even check out a meeting, if not to just get out of your own head a bit?
Keep us updated.
Obviously you're allowed to have off days. We all do. But perhaps the cloud is wearing off and just feeling good due to not drinking just isn't cutting it anymore. Are you doing anything else for yourself to aid in your recovery and growth?
Keep moving forward. It's also possible that it's just a bit of a slump. But if it continues, I think I would look into some other options that could be helpful. Daily readings, gratitude, maybe even check out a meeting, if not to just get out of your own head a bit?
Keep us updated.
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Feeling better today, spirits lifted a bit.
Got a book in the mail I had been waiting for, didn't open my laptop until now (almost 6 pm), which is a big wow all things considered. Books indeed have a power over me, especially the interesting and awaited ones.
Going to have pizza for dinner. It's really cold here for a summer, this morning I was actually wearing woollen socks usually reserved for late fall and winter.
There was an interesting development yesterday. A collaboration effort on an article sort of fizzled out, because there just wasn't any real point in co-authoring a paper (one part was already really good, but it was difficult to get additional information for analysis, so there was little for me to do empty-handed like that). The development then was that I was asked if I had a topic of my own I had been working on. Well - I'm always working on something in my brain, but I tend to act on only the recurring ideas. So, I offered up an idea, they liked it and now I need submit a manuscript by beginning of September. I like the deadline as it's both close enough and far enough.
And I also just got some work for the weekend. Very good.
Might as well 'end' the day and get cracking on something (or postpone it just for tonight and keep reading
).
End of Day 60. I did not drink today.
Got a book in the mail I had been waiting for, didn't open my laptop until now (almost 6 pm), which is a big wow all things considered. Books indeed have a power over me, especially the interesting and awaited ones.
Going to have pizza for dinner. It's really cold here for a summer, this morning I was actually wearing woollen socks usually reserved for late fall and winter.
There was an interesting development yesterday. A collaboration effort on an article sort of fizzled out, because there just wasn't any real point in co-authoring a paper (one part was already really good, but it was difficult to get additional information for analysis, so there was little for me to do empty-handed like that). The development then was that I was asked if I had a topic of my own I had been working on. Well - I'm always working on something in my brain, but I tend to act on only the recurring ideas. So, I offered up an idea, they liked it and now I need submit a manuscript by beginning of September. I like the deadline as it's both close enough and far enough.
And I also just got some work for the weekend. Very good.
Might as well 'end' the day and get cracking on something (or postpone it just for tonight and keep reading
).End of Day 60. I did not drink today.
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I'm glad you had a better day. As Ann (from the Friends and Family side on this site) often says, "The difference between a bad day and a good day is about two days."
New books are always so nice.
I found out yesterday that I can get free passes to the big Art Museum and the Aquarium and other attractions from my local library. I'm excited about that. So many good things at the library, not just books.
Day 60 is pretty great.
New books are always so nice.
I found out yesterday that I can get free passes to the big Art Museum and the Aquarium and other attractions from my local library. I'm excited about that. So many good things at the library, not just books.
Day 60 is pretty great.
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That's cool!
Ah, I remeber the Philly museum of art. Last time I had an 'art experience' like that was 10 years ago at the Hermitage Museum in St Petersburg.
The thing I like about sobriety is that even when things get kinda bad, they're still 100 times better than the best of times whilst drinking. When the 'bad spell' lifts, then you realise that you haven't actually screwed anything up, it was just downtime (although it was 'unscheduled' maintenance).
Thanks for all the support
Ah, I remeber the Philly museum of art. Last time I had an 'art experience' like that was 10 years ago at the Hermitage Museum in St Petersburg.
The thing I like about sobriety is that even when things get kinda bad, they're still 100 times better than the best of times whilst drinking. When the 'bad spell' lifts, then you realise that you haven't actually screwed anything up, it was just downtime (although it was 'unscheduled' maintenance).
Thanks for all the support
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Today, there was the WRC race, a stage took place in my town. I could watch a section of it from my balcony. Gotta say - I don't get motosport, but it seems that the people in it are enjoying it a lot. Man, those cars are loud as hell.
Now there's a concert on. One of my childhood favourites is performing, I have my window open, listening and thinking "wonder, if I'll ever have the courage to actually go to an event" and let loose. Even picturing that feels awkward to me.
But I was working away, listening to the music from my window. Got a good portion of my work done. I'm grateful for the opportunity to earn. Tomorrow I'll have time to do other things, too. I will pick up the CBT workbook for sure.
It's been two months and I feel I have become somewhat complacent. As things normalised, I guess I stopped scrutinising every little detail. On one hand, I can honestly say that I don't have any wish to drink. Odd drink ideas cross my mind, but I think it would be weirder if they didn't. I have had and would have plenty of opportunities to drink, but it's just somehow different for me right now (or maybe in comparison with the past?). But I don't really want to say anything about it - I actually think I might jinx it somehow.
It's clear that sobriety didn't magically solve most or all of my problems. In truth, it has pointed out so many things that are broken in me, that I should be devastated by these results of sobriety. However, sobriety also holds a certain kind of hope (maybe even a belief?) that things can and will get better. This is something that was rarely if ever present in drinking. I guess, then, the worst part about 'hopeless drunks' isn't that other people would see someone that way, but that the person himself does.
If I were to suggest something to those on their first days or the first week, it would be to stick with it. I know how confusing and miserable it can feel at the start as well as that the impact from the sensation accompanying the discovery "while I am sober, life is still ..." can feel like a cold shower or that you've somehow been tricked. But when you keep going just a little longer, you'll just notice how hope starts to return. In tiny increments, but it will.
The sentence "there is very little hope for me/him/her" is an improvement for someone who has been completely hopeless for ages.
End of Day 61. I did not drink today.
Now there's a concert on. One of my childhood favourites is performing, I have my window open, listening and thinking "wonder, if I'll ever have the courage to actually go to an event" and let loose. Even picturing that feels awkward to me.
But I was working away, listening to the music from my window. Got a good portion of my work done. I'm grateful for the opportunity to earn. Tomorrow I'll have time to do other things, too. I will pick up the CBT workbook for sure.
It's been two months and I feel I have become somewhat complacent. As things normalised, I guess I stopped scrutinising every little detail. On one hand, I can honestly say that I don't have any wish to drink. Odd drink ideas cross my mind, but I think it would be weirder if they didn't. I have had and would have plenty of opportunities to drink, but it's just somehow different for me right now (or maybe in comparison with the past?). But I don't really want to say anything about it - I actually think I might jinx it somehow.
It's clear that sobriety didn't magically solve most or all of my problems. In truth, it has pointed out so many things that are broken in me, that I should be devastated by these results of sobriety. However, sobriety also holds a certain kind of hope (maybe even a belief?) that things can and will get better. This is something that was rarely if ever present in drinking. I guess, then, the worst part about 'hopeless drunks' isn't that other people would see someone that way, but that the person himself does.
If I were to suggest something to those on their first days or the first week, it would be to stick with it. I know how confusing and miserable it can feel at the start as well as that the impact from the sensation accompanying the discovery "while I am sober, life is still ..." can feel like a cold shower or that you've somehow been tricked. But when you keep going just a little longer, you'll just notice how hope starts to return. In tiny increments, but it will.
The sentence "there is very little hope for me/him/her" is an improvement for someone who has been completely hopeless for ages.
End of Day 61. I did not drink today.
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A good day of work and enough relaxing. Got the new internet connection today - ten times faster than the old (it's not actually magic fast, the old one was just sort of slow). The way the telecom company handled the lightning incident aftermath made mother so angry she just up and quit the service. Worked out real well tbh.
Took a chapter from the CBT workbook today. Read and thought about SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-limited) goals. Read it in the evening and realised that today's work turned out well because that was actually a SMART goal - specific number of characters in two sittings over the course of a day.
Maybe that's why the 'you can never! drink again' idea is so daunting, at least in the beginning. It's actually super unspecific the way it's worded, because who knows when 'never' ends and people tend to need that assurance in goal setting. Which is also why I think 'I won't drink until 6 or today' etc works better. Sprcific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-limited.
Need to figure out what else I can apply this method to.
Oh, and my friends from the UK are here gonna meet up I think. Real people of my age - haven't had that occur in a while!
End of Day 62. I did not drink today.
Took a chapter from the CBT workbook today. Read and thought about SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-limited) goals. Read it in the evening and realised that today's work turned out well because that was actually a SMART goal - specific number of characters in two sittings over the course of a day.
Maybe that's why the 'you can never! drink again' idea is so daunting, at least in the beginning. It's actually super unspecific the way it's worded, because who knows when 'never' ends and people tend to need that assurance in goal setting. Which is also why I think 'I won't drink until 6 or today' etc works better. Sprcific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-limited.
Need to figure out what else I can apply this method to.
Oh, and my friends from the UK are here
gonna meet up I think. Real people of my age - haven't had that occur in a while!End of Day 62. I did not drink today.
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Busy day. Finished some work in the morning (up quite early) and got new tasks in the evening. Very grateful for the opportunity. Today was almost like 'dividends' day.
Got an email from a former fellow student, congratulating me on the article. Asking if I'll continue somewhere because I write "super well". I also helped her with her own writing some time ago and she thanked me for that. I'm always grateful if I can help someone with something that I feel passionate about. It's a privilege to be able to help others (people, myself included, don't realise it often enough).
Also I got my first 'official kudos' from a client that I had translated a text for. The work guy said 'well done'. Doesn't happen too often! He's one of those people I think whose silence means you did okay or well, so a verbalised 'well done' is next level (for me at least).
And after work I made some delicious schnitzels. Those are yummy with rice and salad. It was a good day. Everyone needs one of these now and again.
Now I'm watching the History of Scotland series. I've been to Scotland once. When I stepped off the bus (school trip), and since we'd all been asleep on our way from England, I have never felt anything like that after. The green, the mist and freshness there was astonishing. I promised myself then and there that I'll return one day
End of Day 63. I did not drink today.
Got an email from a former fellow student, congratulating me on the article. Asking if I'll continue somewhere because I write "super well". I also helped her with her own writing some time ago and she thanked me for that. I'm always grateful if I can help someone with something that I feel passionate about. It's a privilege to be able to help others (people, myself included, don't realise it often enough).
Also I got my first 'official kudos' from a client that I had translated a text for. The work guy said 'well done'. Doesn't happen too often! He's one of those people I think whose silence means you did okay or well, so a verbalised 'well done' is next level
(for me at least).And after work I made some delicious schnitzels. Those are yummy with rice and salad. It was a good day. Everyone needs one of these now and again.
Now I'm watching the History of Scotland series. I've been to Scotland once. When I stepped off the bus (school trip), and since we'd all been asleep on our way from England, I have never felt anything like that after. The green, the mist and freshness there was astonishing. I promised myself then and there that I'll return one day
End of Day 63. I did not drink today.
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We just got back from Scotland, and now it is one of our new favorite places. Unfortunately, when a guide asked us why we chose Scotland for a destination, we gave the most inane responses, “We love Norway,” “We have a graduation in Bath,” and more. Truth is, we had never been, but now we know we want to return. It is a lovely place, for sure, and the people are so welcoming and friendly.
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Foggyriver - I haven't been to Norway, but I've heard only good things. With Scotland it was the sheer awesomeness of the nature that got me. We were stupid 18 yr olds (lot of us heavy drinkers already at that time), but even so, Scotland's nature left a permanent mark in my memory.
Today was quite a rough work day. Just finished the day's portion 30 minutes ago, deadtired. But, as always, I'm glad I have the opportunity. July is an interesting month because the amount of work I've done (or will complete tomorrow or the day after) will now reach the 'minimum' financial needs quota. Meaning that everything else I would have the luck to do this month would be surplus. This is actually the first month since starting translating that this has occurred from daily work (otherwise, yes, the book translation money has covered the difference - which reminds me that I need to get to that, too).
Connection to sobriety? Absolutely yes. I'm not always a 100% ready to work, but I haven't been slowed down by excruciating hangovers or spent days in some booze driven haze. In those circumstances I would have definitely answered the question 'do you want more work?' in the negative. And frankly, I would have felt quite satisfied with myself, having outsmarted the world and what not. But in the past few weeks, I answered yes and this week I even asked for work, because I certainly wanted to put in more energy this week, so I can have that lunch with my friends on Monday. Right now things seem to be on track in that regard.
I also got a month's worth of B complex vitamins. I'm interested to see if they will have some positive effect on how I function and feel.
There was a weird moment at noon today, sitting on my balcony, having a cigarette and my coffee. A random thought/voice popped into my head with "What is the point of 'this', anyways?", asking about sobriety obviously. It was kind of weird to just sit there with the thought and mull it over. As AV, it was pathetic, it almost felt more philosophical than related to addiction, which is crazy, because it has Always been addiction related. It didn't create any cravings for booze, just had be think a bit. I got some 'it sounds interesting' type feedback from the professor I'm in contact with about the article idea that I'm to produce by Sept 1, so maybe that conjured it up. Past few days, there have been brief moments where I feel good, but I don't actually get a connected craving for alcohol. Think it was yesterday, actually, and it made me think of the word 'powerful', as in 'feeling powerful in my sobriety'. Until now, those good feelings were always ultimately mired by cravings, so I was even sort of scared of them? Especially of any strong emotions. For what it's worth and to the extent it actually applies to my current progress, I feel hopeful about any such small development.
Thanks for sharing your experience Foggy
End of Day 64. I did not drink today.
Today was quite a rough work day. Just finished the day's portion 30 minutes ago, deadtired. But, as always, I'm glad I have the opportunity. July is an interesting month because the amount of work I've done (or will complete tomorrow or the day after) will now reach the 'minimum' financial needs quota. Meaning that everything else I would have the luck to do this month would be surplus. This is actually the first month since starting translating that this has occurred from daily work (otherwise, yes, the book translation money has covered the difference - which reminds me that I need to get to that, too).
Connection to sobriety? Absolutely yes. I'm not always a 100% ready to work, but I haven't been slowed down by excruciating hangovers or spent days in some booze driven haze. In those circumstances I would have definitely answered the question 'do you want more work?' in the negative. And frankly, I would have felt quite satisfied with myself, having outsmarted the world and what not. But in the past few weeks, I answered yes and this week I even asked for work, because I certainly wanted to put in more energy this week, so I can have that lunch with my friends on Monday. Right now things seem to be on track in that regard.
I also got a month's worth of B complex vitamins. I'm interested to see if they will have some positive effect on how I function and feel.
There was a weird moment at noon today, sitting on my balcony, having a cigarette and my coffee. A random thought/voice popped into my head with "What is the point of 'this', anyways?", asking about sobriety obviously. It was kind of weird to just sit there with the thought and mull it over. As AV, it was pathetic, it almost felt more philosophical than related to addiction, which is crazy, because it has Always been addiction related. It didn't create any cravings for booze, just had be think a bit. I got some 'it sounds interesting' type feedback from the professor I'm in contact with about the article idea that I'm to produce by Sept 1, so maybe that conjured it up. Past few days, there have been brief moments where I feel good, but I don't actually get a connected craving for alcohol. Think it was yesterday, actually, and it made me think of the word 'powerful', as in 'feeling powerful in my sobriety'. Until now, those good feelings were always ultimately mired by cravings, so I was even sort of scared of them? Especially of any strong emotions. For what it's worth and to the extent it actually applies to my current progress, I feel hopeful about any such small development.
Thanks for sharing your experience Foggy
End of Day 64. I did not drink today.
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Thanks for the kind words Foggy but I must add that I do not often feel too strong in my sobriety, I just cherish the brief moments when I can truly sense the feeling. I'm not thinking about drinking either, but I wouldn't want to put myself in situations that really 'test' my sobriety. That time, for sure, is still ways away.
Although in a way, I guess, our sobriety gets challenged every day. Most often we are the culprits, if we entertain certain ideas.
Today was another kind of tough day of work, super tired. Managed to cook a tasty rice dish after I finished work (after eight, I know ...), took a hot shower and now my eyes experience difficulties in staying open.
Won't attribute this to the B vitamins, but even though out of habit I felt like lying down at noon time, I never actually went to sleep - maybe one of those vitamins had something to do with that, maybe it was just random. However, if it does have something to do with the vitamins, that would be pretty great. It means more active time for me. Usually it's now been up early, breakfast, coffee, work until about 12 or 1 pm, then nap 2 hours maybe, then do other stuff for a while and then work until evening, dinner and to bed (but not to sleep immediately).
I have a meet-up with the prof in August. I'm to start work on the research project. I'm such a nerd lol that I actually thought (after getting feedback and then giving some more details about my ideas) 'this is so freaking cool!'. An important understanding that came to me today was that the research work, which can also be very arduous, is actually my creative release. But that energy doesn't last forever or, more often, it just gets frustrating if things aren't moving ahead or I can't find the right way to say something etc. And then I need to step away from it (I described how taking walks somehow magically works with finding those difficult to find solutions, because I need to mentally step away from certain ideas and all of a sudden they somehow fall into place). Which is exactly why translating texts is a very good balance to any of my research endeavours. Obviously it's not void of creativity, but it's a more routine application of 'things already learned and practiced', which is exactly why I need it to balance the 'creative toll' research takes on me. I like it because ... well, balance is something that I have been so horrible at in the past, that it actually feels like a completely new phenomenon to me at this point. It was always extremes. But I've come to realise (things that are probably really obvious to people other than myself) that a) can't brute-force creativity and b) can't be all touchy-feely and pretty with routine work. A good term for such a balance could be 'creative persistence'. Off to bed.
End of Day 65. I did not drink today.
but I must add that I do not often feel too strong in my sobriety, I just cherish the brief moments when I can truly sense the feeling. I'm not thinking about drinking either, but I wouldn't want to put myself in situations that really 'test' my sobriety. That time, for sure, is still ways away.Although in a way, I guess, our sobriety gets challenged every day. Most often we are the culprits, if we entertain certain ideas.
Today was another kind of tough day of work, super tired. Managed to cook a tasty rice dish after I finished work (after eight, I know ...), took a hot shower and now my eyes experience difficulties in staying open.
Won't attribute this to the B vitamins, but even though out of habit I felt like lying down at noon time, I never actually went to sleep - maybe one of those vitamins had something to do with that, maybe it was just random. However, if it does have something to do with the vitamins, that would be pretty great. It means more active time for me. Usually it's now been up early, breakfast, coffee, work until about 12 or 1 pm, then nap 2 hours maybe, then do other stuff for a while and then work until evening, dinner and to bed (but not to sleep immediately).
I have a meet-up with the prof in August. I'm to start work on the research project. I'm such a nerd lol that I actually thought (after getting feedback and then giving some more details about my ideas) 'this is so freaking cool!'. An important understanding that came to me today was that the research work, which can also be very arduous, is actually my creative release. But that energy doesn't last forever or, more often, it just gets frustrating if things aren't moving ahead or I can't find the right way to say something etc. And then I need to step away from it (I described how taking walks somehow magically works with finding those difficult to find solutions, because I need to mentally step away from certain ideas and all of a sudden they somehow fall into place). Which is exactly why translating texts is a very good balance to any of my research endeavours. Obviously it's not void of creativity, but it's a more routine application of 'things already learned and practiced', which is exactly why I need it to balance the 'creative toll' research takes on me. I like it because ... well, balance is something that I have been so horrible at in the past, that it actually feels like a completely new phenomenon to me at this point. It was always extremes. But I've come to realise (things that are probably really obvious to people other than myself) that a) can't brute-force creativity and b) can't be all touchy-feely and pretty with routine work. A good term for such a balance could be 'creative persistence'. Off to bed.
End of Day 65. I did not drink today.
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