Irnldy001

I know I am not a prolific poster. just here and there.
I was an active alcoholic for years. I don't miss all the mistakes and lost friendships and lost life.
But hear me, here is what I miss.
I have an eating disorder. I've had it for three decades. While drinking it went away. I didn't care about my weight. I stopped restricting and I didn't have to deal with it.
I found an escape from my bipolar disorder. Although it wasn't properly diagnosed until I was sober, I think in a weird way I always knew it wasn't just depression or anxiety. I always knew it was something more and jsut never voiced up.
I have been sober for 18 months and all the old issues came to the surface and I've had to deal with them, big time. Or drink again. Following my AA program, my sponsor, my doctor, and having reached out for psychiatric and eating disorder support I am managing. Just.
But it occurs to me that for over five years by just drinking I made the other two huge ones small.
Now I am dealing with all of it, and sometimes it is just overwhelming.
I am in an eating disorders group and have a counsellor.
But since quitting drinking I have lost 22 pounds, That is 22 pounds off of a 5 foot 5 frame that started at 129. I know intellectually that I am skinny. The highs and lows of my bipolar came out in such a huge way when I became sober that I am now honest. I am on Abilify to control the crazy highs and lows.
I think it it working because i feel more middle of the road. The one thing I can't seem to control sober is the food. I am restricting and I just can't stop. I'm trying. When I was drinking hardcore I didn't care. I let myself balloon and I didn't care. But here I am again.
I am worried about me, my sponsor is worried, and my ED counsellor is talking about having me go inpatient to an eating disorder hospital for three months.
I can't. I have a job, I have a husband who travels, and I have two kids who need me. I can't. I have to be here and I have to get this under control
I don't know what's worse anymore. Honestly. I'm glad that I'm sober and I'm killing myself with my body disorder.
Anyone? Please chime in because I'm trying. I swear I'm trying

Delilah1

It sounds like you have an awful lot on hour plate. Do you have any friends or family who can help out with the kids for a bit while you go to therapy? I'd it possible to do an intensive outpatient? Would your husband be able to work close to home for a bit? As difficult as planning it may seem you need to take care of you so you are able to take care of your kids.

Sending lots of love your way.

Dee74

Hi Irnldy001

I'm sorry you're struggling. I do;t know much about ED but I know that others here will and will share their experience.

Just as I know that once my alcohol addiction looked too immense and impossible to beat, I know you can beat ED too.

One day at a time applies to many things. Please don't give up hope - I really believe there is freedom - total freedom from addiction.

D

Berrybean

Sorry you're struggling. As you're a 12-step person, what about learning to apply the program to your ED as well. The reason there are so many double-winners (and triple winners lol) around is that often our addictions to tend to come out sideways. I personally have never been to an OA meeting but their literature helped me to understand how to apply my program in that area. Perhaps the ABA resources will be useful for you.

About « Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA)

Hope you find something to alleviate your pain soon.
X

venuscat

Sending you so much love.
What a tough road this has been for you.....

Reading your post, my heart just wanted to hug you...I understand and relate to so much of your struggle. I 'avoided' other issues including an eating disorder for a long time with booze....the thing is though, as time wore on, I began to wear out.

It's a placebo, a bandaid maybe, but in the end, alcohol makes everything worse.

We can cope with the hardest stuff, some of the toughest stuff that life throws at us if we are sober. It is worth the fight to get there. Really.

So please know that you have all of our love and support....we can do this together. ♥

Irnldy001

Thanks for your kind responses. I was in a bit of a pity party last night.
What you are hearing is the frustration.
I only very recently started getting treatment, and I think I"m just being impatient with results.
With drinking (this time anyway) I just stopped. I went to AA, worked the program with my sponsor and here I am still not drinking.
I guess I want the same for my ED. That I can just stop. That my counsellor should be my 'sponsor' etc, and it's over.
But I do know better than that. I've been treated before, years ago, and this seems one part of the brain that is the hardest to work with.
I wake up each day with my food journal, and I even write in the meals I am going to eat and the calories I am going to intake. Then I cheat it all day and 'trim' until I get it to about 600 (from what's supposed to be 1800). And then of course as an ED person I feel brief triumph, and then late at night I feel the shame.
I know I can work through this. I am having a few good days here and there. Hoping I can extend those.
I know this isn't an ED forum so I'm sorry for hijacking. It just seems weird to me that alcohol managed to mute the ED for so long. I really thought it was gone.

Nonsensical

Perhaps you should become a prolific poster. There are quite a few members here full of wisdom and good sense. Why not use the resource?

SunriseSky

Wow! You are strong and courageous. You are dealing with very big challenges. I know you are frustrated but please give yourself a pat on the back for everything you have accomplished so far - and don't give up. One day at a time. We know you can do it.

Irnldy001

I guess as I am battling my own demons constantly, and they tend not to be alcohol (that's a good thing), I am more of a reader here. SR has become part of my daily reading for many reasons. I find it helps keep my mind strong and my resolve active as it pertains to drinking. Every story I read, every new day 1 just makes me feel fortified for the day. When I may have a craving at night (my usual old drinking time) I come on here and read a bit. It's hard to give any advice when you feel you are not one to give it. I've got alcohol under control, but am struggling right back where I was before drinking entered in.

Irnldy001

Went to my ED group last night and it was very helpful. At least made me feel strong last night and resolved for today.
I managed to get through most of my calories yesterday and I have eaten the allotted breakfast today. I feel awful, the food feels terrible, but I am trying to forge ahead.
I have got to be well for these kids of mine. They are absolute sunshine, and the fact that I didn't ruin them with my drinking is a miracle (husband hid most of it for me).
I don't know what I did to deserve these amazing people in my life but they are sticking by me.
We were at the pool on Sunday and someone asked my son (9 yr old). Why is your mom so skinny? Doesn't she eat? And he said, that's my Mommy and she's super pretty.
Bless him.

Nonsensical

Love the positive vibe.

Did you know there is an eating disorders section here at SR? Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

PurpleKnight

18 Months is fantastic!!

Irnldy001

As per the suggestion I went to the anorexia/over eaters board. Honestly it's a bit too scary to wade through. Tons of threads with 'weight loss tips" and people talking about bingeing and pints of ice cream.
Sorry this won't be of help to me but it is an awfully triggering place to be. I found the odd thread for people somewhat like me, but I have to wade through too much to get there.
I'm hoping other alcoholics with ED can chime in and perhaps provide some support.
To be clear, I am not an over eater. I am in classic terms an anorexic restricter. I don't binge and I don't purge, and I don't take laxatives or anything else like it. I strictly prohibit calories from entering my body.
As a result, I experience dizziness, memory loss, weakness etc. I have blacked out before and I have been to hospital for electrolytes IV.
I am by no means saying I am better or worse than anyone who does what Ive just described, but even in our ED group we do have different groups based on your 'poison' of choice.
I am in a restrictor group with a dual diagnosis of something (for me alcoholism and bipolar). Others are similar. I wish I could meet with them more as some of them seem to be doing so much better than me.
ED doesn't seem to have the massive widespread support I found in the alcohol recovery community.
My sponsor does her very best to understand that some days I'm so locked up in my ED that I can't focus. She's amazing and will let me talk about the ED stuff eating me up, even though she's in no way trained. It helps to talk though.
Amazed I don't crave alcohol, but then again my ED is so active that all I can think about is the calories in alcohol and that's enough to squelch the whole thing.
My sponsor did ask some interesting questions though - do I get a high or a buzz from my days of starving? Answer - yes. Around 6-8 pm I feel wildly high and triumphant for beating food for another day. As I try to fall asleep with hunger pangs I feel guilt and shame. Not so far apart are they?

tomsteve

have you looked into eating disorders anonymous?

Eating Disordersanonymous

i didnt read much but this caught my attention:

Balance – not abstinence – is our goal.

In EDA, recovery means living without obsessing on food, weight and body image. In our eating disorders, we sometimes felt like helpless victims. Recovery means gaining or regaining the power to see our options, to make careful choices in our lives. Recovery means rebuilding trust with ourselves, a gradual process that requires much motivation and support. As we learn and practice careful self-honesty, self-care and self-expression, we gain authenticity, perspective, peace and empowerment.

Irnldy001

Here's the thing. With alcohol I can just stop. Nada. No more. Don't need it.Food. Daily. Every day. Can't avoid, can't forget, can't stay away, can't win, always losing.
i have the EDA book. I read it every day.
It's hard to understand if you haven't been there. The alcohol obsession is so different. The ED is like a leg on my body. I can't cut it off

tomsteve

thats understandable. as posted above, EDA says


Balance – not abstinence – is our goal.

Delizadee

Read watch brene brown. Daring greatly and her Ted talks.
Geneen brown (I think??) Has an amazing book called "women, food and god".
It's a hard struggle. Message me anytime. Your words really resonate with me.

sweetichick

Hey Irnlady, I can feel your pain as you wrote those posts. I eat too much but nothing to be diagnosed as an eating problem. I have nothing to suggest but that my heart and thoughts are with you.

chickippo

i have had an eating disorder for around 17 years. also borderline personality disorder, depression etc.

when i quit drinking almost 2.5 years ago i piled weight on. i'd already gained loads in hospital when i was started on an anti-psychotic. my current med combination has seen me gain even more.

i used to be bulimic but somewhere along the way one of the meds stopped the purging. so for over 2 years i have been binging and binging. the self-loathing and concomitant depression finally got me to a place where enough was enough.

i am using the willpower i used to quit the booze, to get myself under some sort of control. i have lost 20 pounds so far, with a lot more to go. i have to be less hard on myself than i am used to being - to say it's ok just to lose a couple of pounds in a week and not give up immediately.

i know you're on a different part of the ED spectrum and your struggles are really hard for you. i just wanted to let you know that i understand. be kind to yourself. you've achieved a huge amount with your sobriety and should be really proud of yourself.

FreeOwl

it's understandable.... Missing the thing that felt like it brought you relief from other Bigger Things.

Yet, I'm sure you know deep down that the 'escape' was only going to turn into one more Big Thing.

In time, the escape would no longer offer escape.

The Other Bigger Things would loom, and alongside them, alcohol would be there, beating you down, holding you in submission while the others joined forces to finish you off. That's how alcohol works. Slowly, steadily, sneakily......

I'm proud of you. It takes courage and strength to face our Bigger Things.

You're on the right track. Keep it up, and please don't let your sense of "missing" alcohol turn into a doorway back into it.