About to get married to a recovering alcoholic...and scared
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
Jjust remember he isn't drinking now because you postponed the wedding he is drinking because he was not ready to quit. Some event would have arisen sooner or later to cause this until he reaches the point he REALLY wants to get sober. When he does reach this point he ill still need time before he is really ready. Getting sober can be a selfish business, though a better one than drinking of course.
I know you are really hurting right now and so is he but I think you have been really strong and very sensible.
I know you are really hurting right now and so is he but I think you have been really strong and very sensible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Absolutely, you cannot be the reason he stays sober. He needs to get there for himself first of all. I'm so glad you saved yourself the long term heartache of giving in to his demands. You must follow your gut and look out for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,702
Hi 2261 -
I applaud you for your strength in setting a healthy boundary. We are here for you. There is also a friends and family section that may be helpful to you.
It is painful to watch someone you love self destruct with drinking. However, the wedding postponement is not the cause. He most certainly would have done it after you were married at the next setback he encountered. By setting a healthy boundary you are actually helping him get to the point where he wants to dedicate himself to recover sooner, instead of citing excuses/blaming others for why he is relapsing.
In my own recovery, I needed about 1 year of figuring out who "I was" before I was in a position to be a good partner to someone.
I hope he chooses recovery.
I applaud you for your strength in setting a healthy boundary. We are here for you. There is also a friends and family section that may be helpful to you.
It is painful to watch someone you love self destruct with drinking. However, the wedding postponement is not the cause. He most certainly would have done it after you were married at the next setback he encountered. By setting a healthy boundary you are actually helping him get to the point where he wants to dedicate himself to recover sooner, instead of citing excuses/blaming others for why he is relapsing.
In my own recovery, I needed about 1 year of figuring out who "I was" before I was in a position to be a good partner to someone.
I hope he chooses recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
As hard as it is to believe, what you have done for him is the most loving thing you could have ever done for him and yourself. If you had continued with the wedding, you would have continued to feed his denial of his problem. Denial is the hardest hurdle of addiction.
You have saved yourself and your future children so much heartache. I wish you all of the best, but I am not worried about you. You have excellent instincts and healthy self preservation skills.
You have saved yourself and your future children so much heartache. I wish you all of the best, but I am not worried about you. You have excellent instincts and healthy self preservation skills.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Portsmouth, VA
Posts: 33
Welcome....I would think long and hard before (if) you marry him. This is a situation where you HAVE to think of yourself because an alcoholic only thinks of themselves, not you. I postponed my first wedding date and went through with the second scheduled one. There were many times I regretted that move. My husband went through rehab this past May after I told him I was leaving. Because he went to rehab I decided to stay. He is still sober and working the program.
Hun, it is a road filled with a lot of hurt. I mean A LOT. It is definitely not a good situation to bring children into. So, with only you and your feelings in mind, make the best decision and move on. Don't get married.
Hun, it is a road filled with a lot of hurt. I mean A LOT. It is definitely not a good situation to bring children into. So, with only you and your feelings in mind, make the best decision and move on. Don't get married.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
He is back to binge drinking and making a complete fool of himself. I'm staying with my brother now cause I can't watch him self destruct. It's the hardest thing to watch. It's like he has given up trying because I postponed it. I don't know what else to do and how to support him. He is in such a horrible place right now.
This says a huge amount about his level of maturity and how he handles difficulty, and what it says is not good.
He wanted what he wanted - to be married to you - and he hid a core element of his life - his drinking - to get what he wanted.
When you discovered his drinking and became concerned, he did not own up to his problem and seriously commit to recovery. He did not agree to postpone the wedding. Instead, he gave you the window dressing of "I'm quitting, I'm serious about it" without the substance of his personal commitment to his recovery.
In other words, he put what HE wants ahead of you. He was willing to say he wanted to be sober, but he was not willing to do the work to get there. A mature man would understand that he needs to be truly sober and live as a sober finance until YOU feel comfortable and ready to commit to him for life. That is the consequence of his hiding his drinking: he shook your trust in him, and reasonably so.
This immaturity and refusal to accept the consequences of his chosen behavior continued when he blamed you for "making" him drink because you postponed the wedding. Nope, you postponed the wedding because he wasn't willing to do the work. He chose instead to try to manipulate you into thinking it is your fault that he drank because you disappointed him wrongly by postponing the wedding he so wants.
So he is willing to manipulate and blame you when what happened is because of HIS actions.
Now, when the wedding is truly cancelled, he is not owning up to his own accountability and committing to sobriety. He is throwing a tantrum so that others will see him as a victim, as an underdog, and worry about him.
The attention is back on him, even though it is bad attention for the wrong reasons. When a two year old can't get mama's attention positively, they often act up because that guarantees attention, even if it is not pleasant.
In truth, you are the victim here. You became engaged to him in good faith when he had manipulated and misled you. You offered him a reasonable course of action: postpone the wedding, and reassure me that you are committed to sobriety.
His denial and his belief in his own fantasy world of "everything's fine" topped when he was going for a tux fitting while you were ready to cancel the wedding arrangements.
You responded with maturity in a terribly difficult emotional situation, and made the decision that your life is the most important thing you have, and you took the emotional, financial, and lifestyle hits to move into a healthier situation for you.
His reeling around, binge drinking, despairing and attention getting tantrums are showing his deep immaturity and his refusal to take responsibility for his actions and the consequences of his actions.
This is a guy, as loveable and endearing as he may be, who has not yet grown into a man capable of owning his own flaws and fixing them. To me, he is nowhere near ready to be a responsible partner, and certainly not ready to be a model as a father to future children.
Take heart, you are doing what you need to do to preserve your own life, even though the emotional cost is huge. Only he can rescue himself, and he has to be ready to take on that challenge for himself and by himself.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
This says a huge amount about his level of maturity and how he handles difficulty, and what it says is not good.
He wanted what he wanted - to be married to you - and he hid a core element of his life - his drinking - to get what he wanted.
When you discovered his drinking and became concerned, he did not own up to his problem and seriously commit to recovery. He did not agree to postpone the wedding. Instead, he gave you the window dressing of "I'm quitting, I'm serious about it" without the substance of his personal commitment to his recovery.
In other words, he put what HE wants ahead of you. He was willing to say he wanted to be sober, but he was not willing to do the work to get there. A mature man would understand that he needs to be truly sober and live as a sober finance until YOU feel comfortable and ready to commit to him for life. That is the consequence of his hiding his drinking: he shook your trust in him, and reasonably so.
This immaturity and refusal to accept the consequences of his chosen behavior continued when he blamed you for "making" him drink because you postponed the wedding. Nope, you postponed the wedding because he wasn't willing to do the work. He chose instead to try to manipulate you into thinking it is your fault that he drank because you disappointed him wrongly by postponing the wedding he so wants.
So he is willing to manipulate and blame you when what happened is because of HIS actions.
Now, when the wedding is truly cancelled, he is not owning up to his own accountability and committing to sobriety. He is throwing a tantrum so that others will see him as a victim, as an underdog, and worry about him.
The attention is back on him, even though it is bad attention for the wrong reasons. When a two year old can't get mama's attention positively, they often act up because that guarantees attention, even if it is not pleasant.
In truth, you are the victim here. You became engaged to him in good faith when he had manipulated and misled you. You offered him a reasonable course of action: postpone the wedding, and reassure me that you are committed to sobriety.
His denial and his belief in his own fantasy world of "everything's fine" topped when he was going for a tux fitting while you were ready to cancel the wedding arrangements.
You responded with maturity in a terribly difficult emotional situation, and made the decision that your life is the most important thing you have, and you took the emotional, financial, and lifestyle hits to move into a healthier situation for you.
His reeling around, binge drinking, despairing and attention getting tantrums are showing his deep immaturity and his refusal to take responsibility for his actions and the consequences of his actions.
This is a guy, as loveable and endearing as he may be, who has not yet grown into a man capable of owning his own flaws and fixing them. To me, he is nowhere near ready to be a responsible partner, and certainly not ready to be a model as a father to future children.
Take heart, you are doing what you need to do to preserve your own life, even though the emotional cost is huge. Only he can rescue himself, and he has to be ready to take on that challenge for himself and by himself.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Thank you all for your support. It's encouraging and it helps me to keep moving forward. I think it's going from bad to worse. He drunk again yesterday with his kids from another marriage around. I stopped to check on them and the kids started crying. They were so confusion with what was happening with their father. My goal was to get them to a safe place for the night. I don't know if this is bottom but I was disgusted that he would make his children feel and see him that way. Enough!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
2261, sorry I missed your thread early on. Good for you on making the decision to postpone. I agree with the others here. As recovering alcoholics, we know too well what the lies are about and how they become a living and embedded part of an alcoholic's identity; at least it was that way for me.
You can only control you. I'm glad you were strong enough to give yourself a chance at a happy life. If he truly loves you, he will make a commitment to get himself better and show you his dedication and progress for your lives.
Sorry you have to go through this, but better now than after you got married.
Be safe.
You can only control you. I'm glad you were strong enough to give yourself a chance at a happy life. If he truly loves you, he will make a commitment to get himself better and show you his dedication and progress for your lives.
Sorry you have to go through this, but better now than after you got married.
Be safe.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
2261 I just found your post & read it through . Wow this last part of him having kids , & not being Sober with them in his care is a Bad sign . I couldn't imagine the torment that you would of had to go through if you had married him 
Yes please get yourself some tools to deal with him. Alcoholic's have a way to try to bring you down ( make you look like the bad one ) Remember it's all drunken Rubbish , cause he wants someone to feel sorry for him. The poor me's , he most likely will get even worse .
I'm happy you are there for his kids . Hopefully their mother will not let his drinking , mess with the kids life ! Stay strong
Yes please get yourself some tools to deal with him. Alcoholic's have a way to try to bring you down ( make you look like the bad one ) Remember it's all drunken Rubbish , cause he wants someone to feel sorry for him. The poor me's , he most likely will get even worse .
I'm happy you are there for his kids . Hopefully their mother will not let his drinking , mess with the kids life ! Stay strong
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello:
I'm sorry that this is getting worse before it's getting better but remember that this too will pass and you will not regret this in the future.
Like said before: you are the victim here and he is trying to manipulate you.
Did you really want to marry a man that behaves like this? He's acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
I my opinion you dodged a bullet. This seems hard now but in the future you will be glad that you did this. Postponing and even leaving is the best thing you can do for him. Do not enable him.
You only owe it to yourself. This is your only life and you were the one that was mislead.
I wish you the best and I hope this start getting better.
I admire you so much for your strength!!!
I'm sorry that this is getting worse before it's getting better but remember that this too will pass and you will not regret this in the future.
Like said before: you are the victim here and he is trying to manipulate you.
Did you really want to marry a man that behaves like this? He's acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
I my opinion you dodged a bullet. This seems hard now but in the future you will be glad that you did this. Postponing and even leaving is the best thing you can do for him. Do not enable him.
You only owe it to yourself. This is your only life and you were the one that was mislead.
I wish you the best and I hope this start getting better.
I admire you so much for your strength!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
You are being so strong. I agree that you've done the best possible thing for self-preservation and for him. Enabling him would have prolonged the agony and sucked you into it indefinitely.
I also felt a pang of sorrow for him as I can vividly imagine what's going on with him now and how he's feeling misunderstood and sorry for himself and waiting to be "rescued". Part of every alcoholic's recovery is the ownership of the problem and decision to grow up.
My best wishes are going out to both of you...
I also felt a pang of sorrow for him as I can vividly imagine what's going on with him now and how he's feeling misunderstood and sorry for himself and waiting to be "rescued". Part of every alcoholic's recovery is the ownership of the problem and decision to grow up.
My best wishes are going out to both of you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Would not go through with it, and I'm the one in recovery. If my husband knew what he was signing up for, even 10 years down the road, he would have run the other way. He's not a model by any means, but I've put everyone through a unique hell and I was one of the lowkey people, never showing my drunkenness, not losing jobs, no DUIs, etc. I'm no better than the rest here, but just saying--even though my disease mostly went unnoticed, I made up for it in other ways, mostly related to mood and frequent irrational reactions to things that didn't require reactions of that level.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,862
Hi, 2261.
I'm also a little late to coming across this thread.
My thoughts are with you. Let me just add to what others said: You are in no way responsible for this man's choice to be drunk.
I am a recovering alcoholic (just hit the two-year mark) and don't really post on F & F issues. However, a fellow journeyer recently posed questions about an ending a relationship with an alcoholic in the Alcoholism forum and I'll share with you what I shared there.
Years ago, one of my closest friends was about to get married. Unbeknownst to her friends -- but well known to her parents -- was that her intended was an alcoholic. Before the wedding, they tried to talk her out of it. That failed so they turned to her fiance -- on the morning of their wedding -- and begged him not to marry their daughter. That failed, too.
Later, she told her friends, including me, that she thought marrying him would "fix" things. Instead, what followed was 15-year-plus pact with misery. We watched a vibrant, confident woman turn into an unhappy person, blaming herself for her inability to "get him sober" and losing more and more of her self-respect as each year went by. I remember many phone calls with her in tears. The saddest may have been when she bought a new sofa and, within a week, he'd passed out and pissed all over it. It seemed like a sad metaphor for her life.
At the end, he was the one to insist on a divorce. He had no intention of choosing sobriety. It was a gift to her.
It took her years to recover from the marriage. I am happy to report that she is remarrying next month to a really nice guy. She's still amazed that a six-pack of beer can linger in their fridge for weeks. She has observed that one of the best parts of her upcoming marriage is that her now-elderly parents have lived to see it. The "girls" and I will all be there to happily celebrate.
You've done something courageous and honest. It is hard now but in choosing to not marry an alcoholic, you've chosen wisely.
I'm also a little late to coming across this thread.
My thoughts are with you. Let me just add to what others said: You are in no way responsible for this man's choice to be drunk.
I am a recovering alcoholic (just hit the two-year mark) and don't really post on F & F issues. However, a fellow journeyer recently posed questions about an ending a relationship with an alcoholic in the Alcoholism forum and I'll share with you what I shared there.
Years ago, one of my closest friends was about to get married. Unbeknownst to her friends -- but well known to her parents -- was that her intended was an alcoholic. Before the wedding, they tried to talk her out of it. That failed so they turned to her fiance -- on the morning of their wedding -- and begged him not to marry their daughter. That failed, too.
Later, she told her friends, including me, that she thought marrying him would "fix" things. Instead, what followed was 15-year-plus pact with misery. We watched a vibrant, confident woman turn into an unhappy person, blaming herself for her inability to "get him sober" and losing more and more of her self-respect as each year went by. I remember many phone calls with her in tears. The saddest may have been when she bought a new sofa and, within a week, he'd passed out and pissed all over it. It seemed like a sad metaphor for her life.
At the end, he was the one to insist on a divorce. He had no intention of choosing sobriety. It was a gift to her.
It took her years to recover from the marriage. I am happy to report that she is remarrying next month to a really nice guy. She's still amazed that a six-pack of beer can linger in their fridge for weeks. She has observed that one of the best parts of her upcoming marriage is that her now-elderly parents have lived to see it. The "girls" and I will all be there to happily celebrate.
You've done something courageous and honest. It is hard now but in choosing to not marry an alcoholic, you've chosen wisely.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,266
2261,
sorry to read of your hurt in watching him unravel, but it's neither your doing, your responsibility, nor are you a victim.
you are a person who's made a tough but healthy decision and are watching the cards falling.
i applaud you for seeing the bigger picture and staying on the sane side. for wanting to help without falling into the trap of thinking you can "fix and rescue".
please check out the "family and friends" section(s) farther down the forum lists, too.
keep taking care of yourself.
sorry to read of your hurt in watching him unravel, but it's neither your doing, your responsibility, nor are you a victim.
you are a person who's made a tough but healthy decision and are watching the cards falling.
i applaud you for seeing the bigger picture and staying on the sane side. for wanting to help without falling into the trap of thinking you can "fix and rescue".
please check out the "family and friends" section(s) farther down the forum lists, too.
keep taking care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Thank you all again! It's so great to have this support as I read it at 11:40pm. Today in itself was crazy... I've been staying at my brothers place but today he decided to stalk me there and tried to talk to my family under the influence. That didn't end well. He is mentally lost his mind. It took me over 2 hrs to get him home, another 2 to get tired but this is now getting scary. He has become so unpredictable. Moving all my stuff in the next day or two and not saying where the hell Im going. Now I need a good exit plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Venecia 
Hi, 2261.
I'm also a little late to coming across this thread.
My thoughts are with you. Let me just add to what others said: You are in no way responsible for this man's choice to be drunk.
I am a recovering alcoholic (just hit the two-year mark) and don't really post on F & F issues. However, a fellow journeyer recently posed questions about an ending a relationship with an alcoholic in the Alcoholism forum and I'll share with you what I shared there.
Years ago, one of my closest friends was about to get married. Unbeknownst to her friends -- but well known to her parents -- was that her intended was an alcoholic. Before the wedding, they tried to talk her out of it. That failed so they turned to her fiance -- on the morning of their wedding -- and begged him not to marry their daughter. That failed, too.
Later, she told her friends, including me, that she thought marrying him would "fix" things. Instead, what followed was 15-year-plus pact with misery. We watched a vibrant, confident woman turn into an unhappy person, blaming herself for her inability to "get him sober" and losing more and more of her self-respect as each year went by. I remember many phone calls with her in tears. The saddest may have been when she bought a new sofa and, within a week, he'd passed out and pissed all over it. It seemed like a sad metaphor for her life.
At the end, he was the one to insist on a divorce. He had no intention of choosing sobriety. It was a gift to her.
It took her years to recover from the marriage. I am happy to report that she is remarrying next month to a really nice guy. She's still amazed that a six-pack of beer can linger in their fridge for weeks. She has observed that one of the best parts of her upcoming marriage is that her now-elderly parents have lived to see it. The "girls" and I will all be there to happily celebrate.
You've done something courageous and honest. It is hard now but in choosing to not marry an alcoholic, you've chosen wisely.
I'm also a little late to coming across this thread.
My thoughts are with you. Let me just add to what others said: You are in no way responsible for this man's choice to be drunk.
I am a recovering alcoholic (just hit the two-year mark) and don't really post on F & F issues. However, a fellow journeyer recently posed questions about an ending a relationship with an alcoholic in the Alcoholism forum and I'll share with you what I shared there.
Years ago, one of my closest friends was about to get married. Unbeknownst to her friends -- but well known to her parents -- was that her intended was an alcoholic. Before the wedding, they tried to talk her out of it. That failed so they turned to her fiance -- on the morning of their wedding -- and begged him not to marry their daughter. That failed, too.
Later, she told her friends, including me, that she thought marrying him would "fix" things. Instead, what followed was 15-year-plus pact with misery. We watched a vibrant, confident woman turn into an unhappy person, blaming herself for her inability to "get him sober" and losing more and more of her self-respect as each year went by. I remember many phone calls with her in tears. The saddest may have been when she bought a new sofa and, within a week, he'd passed out and pissed all over it. It seemed like a sad metaphor for her life.
At the end, he was the one to insist on a divorce. He had no intention of choosing sobriety. It was a gift to her.
It took her years to recover from the marriage. I am happy to report that she is remarrying next month to a really nice guy. She's still amazed that a six-pack of beer can linger in their fridge for weeks. She has observed that one of the best parts of her upcoming marriage is that her now-elderly parents have lived to see it. The "girls" and I will all be there to happily celebrate.
You've done something courageous and honest. It is hard now but in choosing to not marry an alcoholic, you've chosen wisely.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,862
You're welcome, 2261. There's a lot of support and insight here on SR.
About your exit strategy. You former fiance sounds unstable. Although it may seem like over-preparation on your part, it would be wise for you and/or a family member to contact law enforcement regarding you retrieving your items. A sound precaution.
Take care of yourself. You made the right choice -- things will start to get better for you.
About your exit strategy. You former fiance sounds unstable. Although it may seem like over-preparation on your part, it would be wise for you and/or a family member to contact law enforcement regarding you retrieving your items. A sound precaution.
Take care of yourself. You made the right choice -- things will start to get better for you.
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