Class of May 2015 (Part 4)
Where is my head at on day 30??
I am proud of myself for making it this far and yet sad because I feel like it is something to celebrate and I don't know how to celebrate without it. Very confusing! I did have a cheeseburger with my daughter though which is out of the ordinary for me so that was kind of special.
I feel like it will be hard to keep going now since I reached such a huge milestone. Good job, you proved that you could do it, so now you can stop trying so hard. I don't want to feel that way.
On the other hand, every time I think about it, I think of spending another day feeling sick and tired and emotionally distraught and wasting the day away. That usually helps turn my thought process pretty quickly.
So why is it that I feel like I am missing something when I don't want my life to be like that anyway? That is something I will never understand about alcoholism. How can you hate something so much but yet desire it so much that it consumes you. How can you let something take so much of your life from you and keep going back to it? How can you miss something that destroys you physically and emotionally?
How long will it take until I don't feel like there is something missing? I don't want to drink. I like my sober life. I love not feeling like crap all the time, I love the fact that I am not in fear of losing my husband every weekend, and I love the fact that my daughter consistently knows which one of her moms she is getting each day. But there is a void that needs filled. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, TV, internet... all of those things fill time and basic needs but they don't make up for the thing that is missing. The thing I depended on for entertainment and comfort for so long is gone.
I made it a month. I want to make it forever. I need a new Z to keep going forward. I need some new ideas??
I am proud of myself for making it this far and yet sad because I feel like it is something to celebrate and I don't know how to celebrate without it. Very confusing! I did have a cheeseburger with my daughter though which is out of the ordinary for me so that was kind of special.
I feel like it will be hard to keep going now since I reached such a huge milestone. Good job, you proved that you could do it, so now you can stop trying so hard. I don't want to feel that way.
On the other hand, every time I think about it, I think of spending another day feeling sick and tired and emotionally distraught and wasting the day away. That usually helps turn my thought process pretty quickly.
So why is it that I feel like I am missing something when I don't want my life to be like that anyway? That is something I will never understand about alcoholism. How can you hate something so much but yet desire it so much that it consumes you. How can you let something take so much of your life from you and keep going back to it? How can you miss something that destroys you physically and emotionally?
How long will it take until I don't feel like there is something missing? I don't want to drink. I like my sober life. I love not feeling like crap all the time, I love the fact that I am not in fear of losing my husband every weekend, and I love the fact that my daughter consistently knows which one of her moms she is getting each day. But there is a void that needs filled. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, TV, internet... all of those things fill time and basic needs but they don't make up for the thing that is missing. The thing I depended on for entertainment and comfort for so long is gone.
I made it a month. I want to make it forever. I need a new Z to keep going forward. I need some new ideas??
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 31
Great job AllieKat!! That hole is hard to fill and people choose to fill it in different ways. Have to figure out how to be content with yourself and life as it is.... Still figuring that out myself. Best to keep busy and shop on the Internet until you do 😜
Bless You all you "junk food junkies". It all sounds so familiar and it was so effective to drive down those cravings. I hope you don't beat yourself up as: "No one ever gets arrested for overeating junk food" . The cravings will subside sooner than expected and better choices can be made. Good Luck and have some Ding Dongs and Barbeque Potato Chips for me!
AllieK-- first, congratulations on day 30! I love how bdj phrases it: "One day sober for 30 days in a row."
Don't have any specific suggestions for things to fill your time but there's got to be some hobby or activity of some sort that you've always wanted to try but never have. Underwater basket weaving? Olympic bobsledding? Crossword puzzles?
As for me, day 25 has been a very calm one. Lots of lounging in the sun with a book in hand. Did a big puzzle and played some hide and seek with my nephew. Just put him to bed as my folks are out on our private pier right now doing some night fishing.
No thoughts of drinking. My addiction has been very quiet for a few days now. Wishing everyone a safe and sober evening!
Don't have any specific suggestions for things to fill your time but there's got to be some hobby or activity of some sort that you've always wanted to try but never have. Underwater basket weaving? Olympic bobsledding? Crossword puzzles?
As for me, day 25 has been a very calm one. Lots of lounging in the sun with a book in hand. Did a big puzzle and played some hide and seek with my nephew. Just put him to bed as my folks are out on our private pier right now doing some night fishing.
No thoughts of drinking. My addiction has been very quiet for a few days now. Wishing everyone a safe and sober evening!
Cute bus!! Where'd you find it? Thanks for coming in here with your words of dietary wisdom. I'm still porking out and there's no end in sight.
Alliekat, I could have written your post, for the most part. I feel like I can do this whenever I really want to, so why stick to it now when I have a move pending and that is something that really is such a drag? I took a step back mentally today and tried to look down at my situation with a wider lens and I thought, how the heck are you going to get through this sober?
And the me that I know (the only me that I know) will cave after making it through a terrible time of testing without caving. It's diabolical. Well, enough of that. I don't want to be a negative influence on the class so I'm going to try to not voice all these things that I'm thinking. I realize that's what the thread is for but still, I don't want to be a drain.
I have some very calming news, at least as far as I'm concerned. I believe I mentioned that the conversation with the landlady was weird and stiff. Well, it bothered me so after a while, I sent her a text and said, "That was uncomfortable. Is there something you want to say?" She didn't respond so about an hour and a half later I wrote, "Okay then. See you Wednesday. Goodnight, L."
She then replied and she made me so happy. "No, I'm sad to see you go but I understand. You've been a wonderful tenant. I'm glad our paths crossed." I wanted to start bawling! So I can put this behind me now. Thank you Lord.
Closing out another sober day. Forgot to say ***** for Alliekat and her 30 day mark! WTG, girlfriend. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Goodnight or good day, everyone. Kutgw. (((HUGS)))
Alliekat, I could have written your post, for the most part. I feel like I can do this whenever I really want to, so why stick to it now when I have a move pending and that is something that really is such a drag? I took a step back mentally today and tried to look down at my situation with a wider lens and I thought, how the heck are you going to get through this sober?
And the me that I know (the only me that I know) will cave after making it through a terrible time of testing without caving. It's diabolical. Well, enough of that. I don't want to be a negative influence on the class so I'm going to try to not voice all these things that I'm thinking. I realize that's what the thread is for but still, I don't want to be a drain.
I have some very calming news, at least as far as I'm concerned. I believe I mentioned that the conversation with the landlady was weird and stiff. Well, it bothered me so after a while, I sent her a text and said, "That was uncomfortable. Is there something you want to say?" She didn't respond so about an hour and a half later I wrote, "Okay then. See you Wednesday. Goodnight, L."
She then replied and she made me so happy. "No, I'm sad to see you go but I understand. You've been a wonderful tenant. I'm glad our paths crossed." I wanted to start bawling! So I can put this behind me now. Thank you Lord.
Closing out another sober day. Forgot to say ***** for Alliekat and her 30 day mark! WTG, girlfriend. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Goodnight or good day, everyone. Kutgw. (((HUGS)))
Hi All.....Closing up Day 21 here and still plugging along.
AllieKat, I hear ya. I seem to do better when I'm busy, busy and stressed with work, rather than sitting around with nothing to do. I've had fleeting thoughts lately of picking up the cello again, instead of flipping it the finger when I notice it stashed in a corner. But first I think I'll polish off these chocolate chip coookies.
Hope everyone is having a good Monday
AllieKat, I hear ya. I seem to do better when I'm busy, busy and stressed with work, rather than sitting around with nothing to do. I've had fleeting thoughts lately of picking up the cello again, instead of flipping it the finger when I notice it stashed in a corner. But first I think I'll polish off these chocolate chip coookies.
Hope everyone is having a good Monday
AGG! Cissy me too, in CT. I got the same alert on my phone. It's 40. It was 90 a couple of days ago. Small world.
KK-Yes, the health issues will mess around with staying sober. Nothing like blocking it all out with booze. I'm lucky for what I have health wise, but chronic depression/anxiety is no picnic.
Live4, I'm kind of in the same boat. Trying for a long time, 7 days, 21 days, 30 days, and fail.
Getting tired. I'm still getting over Friday.
KK-Yes, the health issues will mess around with staying sober. Nothing like blocking it all out with booze. I'm lucky for what I have health wise, but chronic depression/anxiety is no picnic.
Live4, I'm kind of in the same boat. Trying for a long time, 7 days, 21 days, 30 days, and fail.
Getting tired. I'm still getting over Friday.
Ack! So behind on posts! Got up at 2 this morning and have been traveling since, but made it to my destination safe, sound and sober.
I really will catch up tomorrow! I miss knowing what's going on with everyone!
I really will catch up tomorrow! I miss knowing what's going on with everyone!
Yikes! We keep posting over eachother. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say goodnight! Busy thread at the moment. Johnny, we're probably neighbors. It wasn't 90 the other day but it felt like it was. I hate humidity. So being a fellow Nutmegger, you know why I drink.
Gina, play that Cello, but first eat those cookies. Good plan.
Okay. Goodnight! Over and out.
Gina, play that Cello, but first eat those cookies. Good plan.
Okay. Goodnight! Over and out.
And the me that I know (the only me that I know) will cave after making it through a terrible time of testing without caving. It's diabolical. Well, enough of that. I don't want to be a negative influence on the class so I'm going to try to not voice all these things that I'm thinking. I realize that's what the thread is for but still, I don't want to be a drain.
Just because you've had some sober time before but eventually went back to drinking doesn't mean that is your destiny.
Look at Dee or the hundreds and hundreds of other folks on these very boards with long term sobriety. Just like you and me, most of them tried to quit dozens or even hundreds of times before. Until finally one time things were different and that was it. There's absolutely no reason this can't be that time for you and me.
Recovery from alcoholism may be a hard struggle or even battle right now but I believe those folks who came before us when they say the victory is both possible and totally worth it.
What's the old saying? Don't quit before the miracle happens.
Yes, I know why people drink here. It's miserable. I'm about to flip a Range Rover off a bridge into the CT river.
'Really Range Rover Sport? You do realize people cross Africa in those things? Are you aware of the paved roads all around you? You're 19 and weigh 96 pounds' That's my internal dialogue 50 times a day. Or the common, Audi S8. The preferred car of the brazen thieves who took The Scream out of a museum in Oslo and escaped at 140mph. Not to mention The Pink Panthers smashed 2 Audi S8's through the glass doors of a Dubai shopping mall, drove through the indoor mall, emptied a jewelry store, and escaped with $100 million in under 3 minutes. Carries 5 heavily armed men, does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds, and enough trunk space for 6 cases of rocket launchers. But you enjoy that ride to work Biff.
Sorry if anyone has one. I kid with Biff. I'd drive the things, they're nice. But I'd actually cross Africa in the Rover.
Cissy, I thought it was about 87 degrees or so? Anyway, I can't take the winters here. Something about a CT winter that is far more depressing than a Vermont winter, where it is much colder. It's like being in a freezing, rusty sardine can. April group was well aware of my desire to leave. Which will hopefully become plans and action, instead of fury about the state's residents. That's not helping anything.
'Really Range Rover Sport? You do realize people cross Africa in those things? Are you aware of the paved roads all around you? You're 19 and weigh 96 pounds' That's my internal dialogue 50 times a day. Or the common, Audi S8. The preferred car of the brazen thieves who took The Scream out of a museum in Oslo and escaped at 140mph. Not to mention The Pink Panthers smashed 2 Audi S8's through the glass doors of a Dubai shopping mall, drove through the indoor mall, emptied a jewelry store, and escaped with $100 million in under 3 minutes. Carries 5 heavily armed men, does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds, and enough trunk space for 6 cases of rocket launchers. But you enjoy that ride to work Biff.
Sorry if anyone has one. I kid with Biff. I'd drive the things, they're nice. But I'd actually cross Africa in the Rover.
Cissy, I thought it was about 87 degrees or so? Anyway, I can't take the winters here. Something about a CT winter that is far more depressing than a Vermont winter, where it is much colder. It's like being in a freezing, rusty sardine can. April group was well aware of my desire to leave. Which will hopefully become plans and action, instead of fury about the state's residents. That's not helping anything.
I think it's important to share all the parts of our stories. Positive shares are great but life is not all lollipops and rainbows and it's silly to think that it should be that way in recovery.
I used to think drunk me was the only me I knew too Cissy - it took a little recovery time before I began to remember a me before the addiction - it was like coming out of a long spell of self hypnosis or something....
D
And the me that I know (the only me that I know)
D
And Cissy, you shouldn't ever think you're being a drain or a negative influence when you're being honest in here. I've had those same thoughts before so it's yet another reminder to me (and others I'm sure) that I'm not alone.
Last edited by CaseyW; 06-01-2015 at 08:24 PM. Reason: Dee said it better while I was typing the above. Thanks Dee!
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