Ijustwanttohelp

My wife has been sober for about 5 months, we had issues in the marriage before she decided to stop drinking, and if I’m honest we had our issues before The drinking became a problem. She recently revealed to me that she doesn’t feel like she can lean on me for support and that I don’t help with her recovery. I asked how I don’t help, how do I make it harder, to which she responds with, “You don’t make it any easier.” I asked how I can make it easier and get, “I shouldn’t have to tell you.” My question for those dealing with recovery, or family members of someone dealing with recovery, how can I help my wife through this? How can I make a difficult situation even a little bit easier? Please help.

Bekindalways

Welcome to SoberRecovery Ijustwanttohelp. I'm glad you found us but sorry you have reason to be here.

For many, that first year of sobriety can be tougher than the drinking time. The alcoholic is trying to figure out how to live without their lifeline. Blaming others is very par for the course.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to help. The best thing you can do is immerse yourself in your own program. Alanon is a good place to start but you can also just read up on threads here as others have gone through similar situations as you.

Let us know how you get on and keep posting and asking questions.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, I just want to help, glad you found us.

The people who she needs to lean on for help are fellow alcoholics not you. She needs a program of recovery such as AA, Smart etc.

As Bekindalways mentioned, Al-anon would be helpful to you, also a book that a lot of us here have found helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It would help you see what is your stuff to own and her stuff for her to own, set boundaries.

trailmix

Well, you could ignore all the problems and walk on eggshells and be nice all the time. That's sounds harsh but I'm just kidding.

Ideally, for your wife, that would probably be very nice, but that's not real life. Al-Anon for you and whatever support group your wife chooses, as others mentioned is the place that support will come from.

If there are problems in the relationship - have you considered marriage counselling? Did your wife quit on her own or attend rehab or some other program? There is "sobriety" where you put the glass of drink down and there is "recovery" - two very different things, not sure where your wife is at?

sage1969

So my perspective, as a child of an alcoholic and a codependent, from a long family line of alcoholics and codependents; as a former spouse / partner of alcoholics / addicts (yes, I'm a codie); as a parent; and as an alcoholic in recovery myself, is this . . . you can only have an effect on your own choices, thoughts, and behaviors (the three Cs: you did not Cause this behavior, you cannot Cure it, and most importantly, you cannot Control it). So as others have suggested, the best thing and really only thing you can do right now is focus on you. If there are ways of thinking or doing or being that you want to work on, for you, then do so, but don't do it for anyone but you. Another way of thinking about this is "to stay on your side of the street." Just like you wouldn't jump into a conversation between other people you don't know as they walk past you on the street, learn what is your stuff and what is your wife's stuff.

If you read through some of these posts (you can click on a person's avatar if you want to read all their posts and learn their stories), you will see a common theme that the alcoholic will often dig in and resist any suggestion of becoming sober and beginning recovery. Your wife is already in recovery, but five months is early days. Recovery is hard work, and usually people aren't terribly solid in their recovery or their recovery personality until a good year in. This is why we try to leave support up to our partner's sponsor and AA group -- anything we do to "help," can and often is taken the wrong way as pressure. And even if we ourselves are alcoholics or addicts, we really can't begin to understand with what our partners struggle; we're too close to the situation.

dandylion

Ijwtt...........welcome to the forum!
Can you share, with us, what kind of program----if any----your wife is using for support.
Like trailmix just addressed----there is a big---big--difference between just being sober, and being in recovery.
Most people who are not schooled in the nature of alcoholism, do not know the difference.

Genuine recovery is her job---not yours.....because it is about what is within her. The things that she has to face for herself.
About the best thing that you can do for her is to just not be obstructive. Things like, giving the freedom of time to attend meetings, attending her counseling sessions. Giving a ride to AA meetings if she really needs that. Giving a "wide berth", as you understand that she may be confused and irritable and going through emotional changes. By giving a wide berth I am suggesting to keeping some detachment by work ing a program for yourself and attending to your side of the street, while she works on hers.

The people who can best support her in this effort are other recovering alcoholics and her professionals ( therapists, doctors, etc.). You are too close and too entwined with her to have the necessary objectivity that others have. You cannot ever try to be her therapist. Don't even try---that always turns out badly...lol.

It is common for the alcoholic to blame others for their issues with alcohol. Taking personal responsibility is a new skill that has to be learned
I think that the very fact that she can't even tell you, specifically, what she wants you to do---demonstrates that she doesn't even know, herself, what you "should" do. I suspect that what she really means is that "I am unhappy and I will just blame it on my husband---after all , it is HIS job to make my happiness. Itis not mine"........

As was just suggested by another poster---I strongly suggest that you get the most recommended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More". That is a good first step---I think a lot will resonate with you.

SparkleKitty

"I shouldn't have to tell you" is a load of crap. It's bait. It absolves her of responsibility for managing her recovery, and of her part in the relationship. Please don't fall for it.

Take care of yourself, and let her manage her recovery on her own--INCLUDING articulating anything she needs from you.

NYCDoglvr

If it hadn't been for AA I wouldn't be sober 30 years. It's the people in the program who helped, not non-alcoholics. She does need support, but not from you.