New and unsure of self
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3
New and unsure of self
Hi all,
I have been married to a good man who is also an alcoholic for over 21 years. We have 3 children together ages 20, 17 and 14 years. He has been a heavy drinker for the past 15 years. When he is not working he is drinking. Mostly beer and a lot of it. He takes medication for anxiety, high blood pressure, and reflux. All which are not helped by his alcohol consumption and most likely caused by or aggravated by it. I know that he has never been honest with his doctor about how much he drinks. He feels lousy most of the time and rarely smiles or shows joy in life except when drunk.
He is highly functioning, successful, and kind and yet I cannot stand to be around him any more. I am angry, resentful, lonely and have lost so much respect for him. All because he cannot control his drinking. He has admitted it is a problem but will not seek help. Our activities are defined around his ability to get a beer. If he needs to be somewhere past 5pm I have to drive or we take a cab. If the kids need a ride home...I am the one to drive them...always..because he has always 'had a beer'. I am so very thankful he doesn't drink and drive. I just wish he didn't always have to be drinking.
I cannot see myself growing old with this man. I dont want to live with someone who is consistently under the influence of alcohol. Conversations are meaningless and frequently forgotten. I hate the smell of alcohol coming off his body in the morning. Sex life is practically non existant. I feel the relationship is an empty shell. I am turning 45 this month and look back with wonderment at how fast the years have gone by and realize I am already growing old with him but alone.
That said... he is not abusive, he loves his family and me, he provides for us well, and I care deeply what happens to him. I also don't want to shatter my childrens lives. I want to help, but I have become, what I recognize from reading here, a provoker and a martyr.
I dont really know what to do next. I have to just accept him as is or get out. I dont want to leave while my son is still in High School as I am afraid it will cause so much upheaval that it will affect his chances for success. There is also the problem that we live overseas and a separation of households here is a very difficult challenge. I would most likely have to move back to the states. However I am so sick of being angry and bitter and waking up next to him smelling of booze that I dont know if I can wait.
Anyways....Not entirely coherent but needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere.
I have been married to a good man who is also an alcoholic for over 21 years. We have 3 children together ages 20, 17 and 14 years. He has been a heavy drinker for the past 15 years. When he is not working he is drinking. Mostly beer and a lot of it. He takes medication for anxiety, high blood pressure, and reflux. All which are not helped by his alcohol consumption and most likely caused by or aggravated by it. I know that he has never been honest with his doctor about how much he drinks. He feels lousy most of the time and rarely smiles or shows joy in life except when drunk.
He is highly functioning, successful, and kind and yet I cannot stand to be around him any more. I am angry, resentful, lonely and have lost so much respect for him. All because he cannot control his drinking. He has admitted it is a problem but will not seek help. Our activities are defined around his ability to get a beer. If he needs to be somewhere past 5pm I have to drive or we take a cab. If the kids need a ride home...I am the one to drive them...always..because he has always 'had a beer'. I am so very thankful he doesn't drink and drive. I just wish he didn't always have to be drinking.
I cannot see myself growing old with this man. I dont want to live with someone who is consistently under the influence of alcohol. Conversations are meaningless and frequently forgotten. I hate the smell of alcohol coming off his body in the morning. Sex life is practically non existant. I feel the relationship is an empty shell. I am turning 45 this month and look back with wonderment at how fast the years have gone by and realize I am already growing old with him but alone.
That said... he is not abusive, he loves his family and me, he provides for us well, and I care deeply what happens to him. I also don't want to shatter my childrens lives. I want to help, but I have become, what I recognize from reading here, a provoker and a martyr.
I dont really know what to do next. I have to just accept him as is or get out. I dont want to leave while my son is still in High School as I am afraid it will cause so much upheaval that it will affect his chances for success. There is also the problem that we live overseas and a separation of households here is a very difficult challenge. I would most likely have to move back to the states. However I am so sick of being angry and bitter and waking up next to him smelling of booze that I dont know if I can wait.
Anyways....Not entirely coherent but needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome to the beginning of your journey. Coming here to SR is a great place for support and information.
Start one step at a time, read around, and know that you don't have to solve it all in one day. Just one step at a time, and the steps will often come clear to you on their own.
Today, you took a great step by posting here and "meeting" some folks who are familiar with your type of world. Pat yourself on the back for making a step of progress, today!
One good place to start is reading the "sticky" posts at the top of the topic page - they are classic information about this road we've all been down.
Another good resource is Alanon - a support network all over the world for friends and families of alcoholics. Google Alanon to find a local group of folks who've gone down your road.
We know your pain and quandaries, so come back and post often for support. Take it one step at a time, and know you are not alone in this journey!
Sending encouragement, and others will be along shortly to respond, too,
:ghug3
CLMI
Start one step at a time, read around, and know that you don't have to solve it all in one day. Just one step at a time, and the steps will often come clear to you on their own.
Today, you took a great step by posting here and "meeting" some folks who are familiar with your type of world. Pat yourself on the back for making a step of progress, today!
One good place to start is reading the "sticky" posts at the top of the topic page - they are classic information about this road we've all been down.
Another good resource is Alanon - a support network all over the world for friends and families of alcoholics. Google Alanon to find a local group of folks who've gone down your road.
We know your pain and quandaries, so come back and post often for support. Take it one step at a time, and know you are not alone in this journey!
Sending encouragement, and others will be along shortly to respond, too,
:ghug3
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,204
First of all, welcome to SR!
You say you don't want to leave because of your son in high school right now, but I can guarantee that son is being damaged by his father's alcoholism.
When I was married to my EXAH, I was never 'there' for my oldest daughter. She's 31 now, and an active addict/alcoholic.
I'd like to suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and Catlovermi has also give you excellent suggestions!
:ghug :ghug
You say you don't want to leave because of your son in high school right now, but I can guarantee that son is being damaged by his father's alcoholism.
When I was married to my EXAH, I was never 'there' for my oldest daughter. She's 31 now, and an active addict/alcoholic.
I'd like to suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and Catlovermi has also give you excellent suggestions!
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hello sad,
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but glad you found us here. This can be a priceless source of support as you move through all of the tangled feelings around this.
It is a very difficult situation indeed. The good news is that you don't have to make any overnight decisions...you can fill yourself with knowledge, resources, options, and then see where it takes you.
One note I might add: many parents make decisions regarding their kids that are based on their own reality, or on popular literature. I went to three different high schools because of family situations (money, moving, etc.) While I didn't have the same friends throughout school, it forced me to focus on my studies, and I was a straight-A student throughout high school, gaining scholarships in the process. I was just fine. Don't assume you're going to ruin your son's entire life by moving him now....in fact, now might be the BEST time to move him, as opposed to two years from now.
I understand the revulsion you're feeling. I felt it too. It finally reached the point where I was willing to set boundaries: "I am no longer willing to spend time/share a bed/be in public with you when you're drinking. If you don't seek help for yourself, for my own sake and for the kids' sake, I will seek a separation."
Scary words, hm?
If there are al-anon meetings in Stuttgart, you may want to see if that is helpful to you too.
Excellent recommendations above me as well.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but glad you found us here. This can be a priceless source of support as you move through all of the tangled feelings around this.
It is a very difficult situation indeed. The good news is that you don't have to make any overnight decisions...you can fill yourself with knowledge, resources, options, and then see where it takes you.
One note I might add: many parents make decisions regarding their kids that are based on their own reality, or on popular literature. I went to three different high schools because of family situations (money, moving, etc.) While I didn't have the same friends throughout school, it forced me to focus on my studies, and I was a straight-A student throughout high school, gaining scholarships in the process. I was just fine. Don't assume you're going to ruin your son's entire life by moving him now....in fact, now might be the BEST time to move him, as opposed to two years from now.
I understand the revulsion you're feeling. I felt it too. It finally reached the point where I was willing to set boundaries: "I am no longer willing to spend time/share a bed/be in public with you when you're drinking. If you don't seek help for yourself, for my own sake and for the kids' sake, I will seek a separation."
Scary words, hm?
If there are al-anon meetings in Stuttgart, you may want to see if that is helpful to you too.
Excellent recommendations above me as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3
Thanks for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. I do plan to take my time and inform myself. Not going to make any rash decisions. Just had a really tough morning emotionally. That darn emotional roller coaster from hell.
I guess I should clarify my concerns about my moving my son. It is not the actual moving part. We are a military family and have moved every 2-3 years for his entire life. My problem is with moving him away from his father and that I would have to leave the country and that would mean taking him very far away. I have also been single mom enough times in my 21 years as a military spouse that I am very aware of what that sort of separation is like for my son and my husband. Despite the fact that Dad is an alcoholic he is still a good father and very involved in his sons life. Just felt I should explain that a bit more clearly. I know that in many cases of alcoholic parents that is not the case. I know I am very blessed that is not the situation here.
I guess I should clarify my concerns about my moving my son. It is not the actual moving part. We are a military family and have moved every 2-3 years for his entire life. My problem is with moving him away from his father and that I would have to leave the country and that would mean taking him very far away. I have also been single mom enough times in my 21 years as a military spouse that I am very aware of what that sort of separation is like for my son and my husband. Despite the fact that Dad is an alcoholic he is still a good father and very involved in his sons life. Just felt I should explain that a bit more clearly. I know that in many cases of alcoholic parents that is not the case. I know I am very blessed that is not the situation here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, and I'm sorry you are so lonely.
You describe your AH as "kind". That might be a word to think about. Kindness is empathy, sacrifice, presence, and commitment to another's best life.
I don't think he qualifies. Perhaps "passive" is a better word. And since he controls everything in your life, then perhaps passive-aggressive might be an even better word.
That's a lot different from "kind".
If you think he is a gentle victim, you will be less likely to stand up to his disease and his quiet but almighty control.
Keep reading and seeking. It sounds as if you are at the doorway of change.
You describe your AH as "kind". That might be a word to think about. Kindness is empathy, sacrifice, presence, and commitment to another's best life.
I don't think he qualifies. Perhaps "passive" is a better word. And since he controls everything in your life, then perhaps passive-aggressive might be an even better word.
That's a lot different from "kind".
If you think he is a gentle victim, you will be less likely to stand up to his disease and his quiet but almighty control.
Keep reading and seeking. It sounds as if you are at the doorway of change.
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