How Saying “Yes, but” Can Be a Barrier to Changing Emotions

By

Sober Recovery Expert Author

We discussed primary and secondary emotions in the previous installment of this series. We stated that we have more control over secondary emotions or can change them if necessary. If you want to react differently to your current situation, you can be resistant and agree in some ways, "yes," then disqualify and defend with "but.”

"Yes, but" impedes emotional change because it can lead to a downward spiral of addictive and undesirable behavior and unpleasant emotions. For example, your self-talk may say, I don't want to be angry, but this situation is unjust and irritates me. So, I'll act out of rage because I'm mad. This decision may result in you hurting someone else, yourself, or people in recovery may return to addictive behavior, alcohol, and other substances.

We discussed primary and secondary emotions in the previous installment of this series. We stated that we have more control over secondary emotions or can change them if necessary. If you want to react differently to your current situation, you can be resistant and agree in some ways, "yes," then disqualify

To bring about meaningful change in our emotional responses, we must put in the effort, maintain the willingness, and have the capacity to decide what is best for us. Our minds can often present us with a "yes, but" response which becomes a significant obstacle when dealing with highly charged emotions. We must be willing to work hard to make that change happen and genuinely understand our best interests. Only then can we make the necessary changes to move forward positively.

When "yes, but" comes to mind

Remembering that there are only four options to any situation might be helpful when the "yes, but" response comes to mind.

You have a right to feel any emotions you choose. If destructive or unhealthy emotions are causing you pain and suffering, it won’t invalidate your experience to change your response. When you add alcohol and substances into the mix, things can get worse. You may lose much of the power and control you once had over your emotional reactions.

Option 1: Alter your current circumstances or remove yourself from the problematic environment to find relief.

When faced with a problem, the first response should be to seek a solution that changes the situation or allows the person to leave. In some cases, it may be appropriate to stay in the situation and enact changes to improve it; in others, it might be necessary to leave the problem altogether. Ultimately, the best course of action will depend on the individual's needs and preferences, as well as the context of the situation.

Option 2: You may lessen the intensity of negative feelings while the issue is still there by adjusting your emotional response to it.

Deep breathing, self-talk, or reframing the problem can help you work out how to deal with it. It is important to remember that while the issue remains, your emotional reaction to it can be changed and managed. This will help you take action and develop practical and realistic solutions.

Option 3: Accept the circumstances completely. In other words, admit that there's nothing you can do to alter the circumstance or how you're feeling but that embracing both with open arms may bring you relief and autonomy.

Radically accepting a difficult situation is a proactive response to problem-solving. It centers around the understanding that, despite our best efforts, some problems cannot be helped. Radical acceptance encourages us to fully and willingly embrace it. Doing so often results in a greater sense of freedom and can reduce the amount of suffering.

Option 4: Suffer and feel miserable. (You may also make matters much grimmer.)

Taking action to solve the problem, or seeking outside help, may alleviate the feelings of misery and lead to a more positive outcome. The effects of staying miserable can be seen in physical and mental health and relationships.

Keeping a "yes, but" mindset can be easy if you aren't willing to do a little work. But being mindful of your feelings helps you change emotional responses. It may be more challenging during intense times, but with practice, you'll be able to alter undesired emotions more constructively and effectively.

At the best luxury dual diagnosis treatment centers like Wish Recovery, you can learn invaluable skills for emotion regulation and how to choose healthier responses to stressful times without resorting to alcohol or other substances. Contact us today to learn more.



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