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Old 01-26-2009, 10:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry having big problems with my 14 year old daughter

well the title says it all....i am having huge problems with my fourteen year old daughter.....and things just seem to be going from bad to worse. she is rebellous as all get out.....angry, mostly at me for being gone so much with school and work, and angry with her dad. but since she has stopped talking to him completley she takes all her anger out for him on me. i seem to be her favorite emotional punching bag. she is sneaking out of the house...going places where she doesn't belong.....cutting school.....stealing money......lieing......you name it she is doing it.....i think she may be drinking although i can't prove it for sure......i am at my wits end.....i have grounded her for 2 months...taken away all her phone, computer, and tv privileges....and nothing seems to phase her.....she just keeps on going like i haven't said or done anything.......

does anybody have any suggestions.......i really would welcome them......

rachel
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Old 01-26-2009, 11:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I put my daughter on PINS. Becareful though, you have to do exactly as they tell you! In the end though it got thrown out of court,so she left home. I did not enable her though and she came back all on her own. She is now in college with passing her GED and is driving (ugh LOL). I think your daughter is using her St father as a crutch for bad behavior. Take her to court one time and I bet she straitens out. Sometimes when we cannot control our kids, outside help is needed. Better to nip it in the bud right now before she really gets into trouble. My daughter did drugs, cutting, got preggers anything wrong she could do she did. Not saying she is perfect now,but much better then she was. We do not have to be responcible for her any more that she is over 18,but it's a choice and she knows that. My daughter knew the next step for her back when she was 15 was a home for girls. Once they turn 16 though it's harder to get them in the system thus why her case was thrown out of court. All the yelling and screaming in the world will not change a kid that does not want to change,but with help from outside sources they may have to because it's either a home for waywards or home with mom. Good luck!
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Old 01-26-2009, 12:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My daughter is 13, 14 this year and she is a great kid. She certainly has her moments but she is pretty good.

I have learnt how to parent her in Al Anon. I was told that you parent your kids the way you were parented, and my family is pretty screwed up.

I find it disturbing we another parent uses the world 'control' in the same sentence as their teenager. This is because they are no longer 'kids' but rather young adults, so instead of telling them what to do - we ought to be teaching them by example and encouragement. We need to teach them to be responsible for themselves not to 'do as their told'.

I also know it is so easy to over react to what they do. I.e. skipping school, drinking etc... But over reacting won't fix it or coming down hard on them. Dunno about anyone else but this kind of stuff for me when I was a teenager just fueled my rebel attitude.

I am unsure what the solution is for you but as I said, Al Anon has helped me hugely. The best two things I have learnt there is detachment and the ability to not react to a situation. They have some great sharing in their literature about parenting etc...
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Old 01-26-2009, 12:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My advice would be that she is 14, the hardest age for any parent to raise a daughter. From my experiance and from through teh grapevine, they are the most rebellous and don't want to follow rules at this stage in their life. BE tougha nd be strong as it usually is just a stage, that every parent who has a daughter has to fight through. Be strong and love her unconditionally.
Much love
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Old 01-26-2009, 12:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi lost,

I wish I could tell you how to fix it all. Issues like these are my greatest fears as a parent. What about counseling? For her, for the family, anything? I'm not sure about your state, but where I live if kids skip school the parents can actually be arrested for it!

I know what you mean about taking things away and it not phasing them. My son was like that for a long time. Now that he's on the football team he actually cares about something so at least I have ONE thing to use as motivation if I need to. It was really difficult when I'd reprimand him and he'd act like he could care less.

I wish I could offer more advice, but I'll always offer support. Please keep us posted.
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Old 01-26-2009, 12:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I was one of those 14 year olds. I started getting high when I was only 11 and by time I was 14, I was out of control.

I know now, the reason I was acting out was due to different things going on inside of me. I remember telling my Mom that I thought I was going crazy sometimes, begging her to take me to a Psychiatrist. Mom stopped that thought in me right away, there was no way that one of HER kids was going to a shrink! What would the neighbors think?!? OMG!!! The shame, the embarressment . . . just stop crying Judy, you're fine, just behave.

Easier said than done.

At 14 years old, she doesn't know why she is acting out like this, but trust me, she is crying for help. She just doesn't realize it. In my opinion, you can take away everything she owns, ground her until she's 18 and basically lock her in a closet until then but the bottom line is, something is going on inside of her and she needs someone to talk to. . . . not that she's going to accept counseling right away, walk in and open up. It's going to take someone who not only specializes in working with teenagers, but in my opinion, someone who had problems themselves at that age. All of the book knowledge in the world is great, but in my opinion, I think when someone knows that the person who is trying to help them has been where they are, it makes opening up a whole lot easier.

Hmmmm, could this be why SR is so successful?

I'm no child psychologist, but if there is anything I can do or answer for you, please feel free to PM me. Luckily, my son, who just turned 20, witnessed first hand what drugs and alcohol do to someone and he is very anti drugs, alcohol . . . shoot, anti cigarettes, cussing, . . .a good kid.

I'll be thinking of you all and Praying for some peace in your lives,
Judy
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Old 01-27-2009, 03:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Love her, love her, love her. And offer to find her a therapist whom she can talk to about all that is going on in her life.
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Old 01-27-2009, 03:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My daughter is 13 and hasn't given me any difficulty yet. I enrolled her in Jiu Jitsu shortly after her birthday and she loves it. She is learning how to defend herself, to punch, to work out vigorously, and she's thriving in this environment. Someone else mentioned that we parent as we were taught, and I have found that to be true. Being aware of that, I set out to do differently.

I spend a considerable amount of time working with other newcomers, and taking them to meetings. Sometimes, a woman has to bring along their child, and I often have my daughter with me. I see how good it makes my daughter feel to be helping out in this way i.e. watching the younger child in the library of a church while the mother is downstairs getting a meeting.

I am careful not to be too restrictive with my daughter, while also not being too permissive. We spend a lot of time together, and she knows it's because I want to.

As the previous poster said, we need to love, love, love our daughters, and to show them that love.

Why not surprise her with a spontaneous movie night? Take her out to see a movie that she would like, and share some popcorn with her. Me and my daughter do this often and it's a wonderful way to bond. We drive home together and ask eachother what our favourite part of the movie was - it usually opens up into a cool discussion.

Let us know how things go? Hugs.
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Old 01-27-2009, 06:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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There is lots of great advice here, Rachel.

I wish you well with your daughter.
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:03 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I wish I did have an easy solution for you. I had the same situation in my home when my youngest was 15. I turned to every resource available, counseling, SRS, an adolescent crisis facility, the mental health facility, and no one helped me until she finally took off with a 24 year old predator in the middle of the night.

Then SRS stepped in, she became a ward of the state and was in the system for 17 months.

It was the best thing that ever happened to both of us, though it was incredibly painful at the time.

She learned there were very serious consequences to her choices/behaviors. We had to go to court many times during that period. That judge cut her no slack, thank God. When she was finally allowed to come back home, she had to find a part-time job in addition to attending school, she was subject to random UA's, and was still under state supervision for a year.

I also had to take classes that were geared towards parenting teens and learned a lot. She had to sign a behavioral contract with me before she came home.

Today we are both grateful for that experience. She will turn 21 this June.
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Old 01-28-2009, 11:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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thanks for all of your advice....amanda does see a therapist, 2 times a month. we have also started family therapy sessions which will be twice a month also. and on monday i found out some very disturbing news. for the last few months this new girl at school "bree" and her brother josh have been all that she has talked about and they have all been fast friends. well amanda said that "bree's" mom wanted her to stay with them for 2-4 months to give amanda a break from our situation and then start fresh.....well i really wasn't thrilled with the idea.....then on monday of this week i get a call from the school stating that amanda isn't in school......so i finally track her down and she is at "bree's" house. well i demand to speak to her mother christina and at first there was an excuse that she wasn't there becuase she had to take her newborn to the doctor''s for a checkup.....which is fine.....i tell amanda that as soon as christina get home she needs to call me and that christina needs to take amanda home......now i wasn't home on monday am as i worked an overnight shift on sunday and then went straight to class.....so when my daughter still hasn't appeared at home 3 hours later i called back to "bree's" house and talked to christina.....first she told me that amanda had called her at 6:30am and told her that her grandpa said it was okay for her sick little butt to hang out over there becuase "bree's" was sick too. well i told her that amanda is grounded for 2 months and isn't allowed over to their house without my express permission. even her grandpa's permission isn't enough......then i told her that if amanda needed "bree's" help with homework that "bree" has to come to our house.....well at this point christina says "i don't have a daughter named bree....infact the only daugters i have are ages 9, 6, and 1 week, and i have a teenaged son...josh"
so now i have discovered that she has created a whole person so that she could go somewhere.....when confronted with this information amanda's reason was "i knew that you never would have let me hang out at a boys house" well that she was wrong about i would have let her hang out there but i NEVER would have allowed her to spend the night in that house....which she has done on several occassions.........christina and i have come to an agreement about the boundries that have been set with amanda....and she has been told what those are.....but i have to admit i was floored when i found out the "bree" wasn't a real person....but that also explains why she has done almost everything humanly possible to keep christina and i from talking. she just didn't want her lies exposed......today we have a family session at he thearpists office and i am supposed to bring both kids but i think i am going to leave my joshua home and just take amanda instead....because i think that what has happened this week needs to be addressed but not in the presence of her brother....it really isn't his business. well i guess that is all for now.....i will post again after her appointment to let everyone know how she is doing and what got accomplished.....

rachel
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Old 01-28-2009, 11:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Its nice to hear from others with Teen daughters. My 14 yr old had her moments. My mom tells me I am very lucky because she is a good kid, good grades.
But when ever she wants to take anything out, it is ALWAYS on me!
She is also one of the reasons I quit drinking because she said she hated being around me when I was drinking, & was embarrassed to have friends over when her dad & I would drink because we were "loud & obnoxious!"

I am hoping once she sees me sober for quite some time she will come around.
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Old 01-28-2009, 11:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm sending you a rainbow because I figure you can use one right about now.



I think it's a good idea to leave your son home from the therapist tonight, but just be careful not to push him aside where he feels like he isn't getting any attention and begins to act out himself to get attention.

When I was a kid, before I started using, my Brother & Sister were such model children that my Parents and all of their friends were always raving about their straight A's in school, how my Brother was such a great baseball player, how Linda had perfect attendance in school . . . my grades weren't the best, I wasn't involved in sports and I missed some days of school. So I acted out. I craved attention. As the middle child, I felt like I was kinda lost in between two "perfect" siblings.

Did you get a chance to ask Christina about this so called idea of your daughter staying there for a few months? I am stunned that any Mother would let a teenage girl spend the night with her teenage son. Unbelieveable!

I hope you do keep us updated.

Hang in there!
Judy
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Old 01-28-2009, 12:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I have this hanging on my bulletin board I have above my desk. As you can see, I've had it for quite some time. Just wanted to share it with all the Mom's out there with teenagers.

My son is 20 now, but at times he is still a foreign creature to me! lol

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Old 01-28-2009, 04:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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well tonights therapy appointment was helpful.....unfortunatley my daughter's therapist wasn't able to attend as he had a death in the family, so we just talked with my therapist. when i told her about the whole "bree" situation she was pretty blown away.....and yes i have talked to christina about the whole amanda staying there for a few months and she is all for it if i think it will help, but i just don't think that two teenagers of the opposite sex need to be "living" together like that if they aren't related. i told the therapist right now amanda is craving love and feeling wanted.....and she is ripe for sex....to find that love and "wantedness".....and i really don't want to put her in the situation where that is a potental to happen. i told christina that had i known that "bree" never existed i never would have allowed amanda to spend the night at her house and amanda knew that. so back to our therapy session.......we have to write letters to each other dealing with our anger, dissapointment, and hurt......it will definately be a hard letter to write. well i guess that is all for now.....i need to go and finish dinner.....

rachel
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:14 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Wow, Rachel. Thanks for the update. I'm glad that you finally spoke with Christina and found out what was going on. I agree that Amanda is at a vulnerable age in that she is craving love - but may confuse it with lust. I'm so glad you are both in therapy, and that you have someone to help you navigate this very delicate relationship.

I hope you keep us posted.
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Old 01-30-2009, 10:41 AM   #17 (permalink)
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so i took my daughter to see the psychiatrist yesterday and he put her on zoloft. she started taking it this morning.....it will take 3-4 weeks to get to a theraputetic level but it is a start. she admitted to the doctor that she has been suicidal and that really took me by surprise. except for the compulsive lying she is so much like me it is scary.....except i was 16 before i started getting into trouble and tried to commit suicide the first time. hopefully the zoloft will help her and get her through these rough times. i know that she doesn't think so.....but i really do remember what it was like to be a teenager. well i have to cut this short....i have to leave for work....will post again later
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Old 02-01-2009, 06:47 PM   #18 (permalink)
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sorry i haven't posted sooner......things have been really hectic here......my daughter is at least taking the meds so that is a good thing.....i can't wait for them to start working.....she is giving so much grief though.....her new thing is that she doesn't want to ride the school bus.....she says that some of the kids on the bus are picking on her and calling her names....and she has gone to the principle about it but nothing has been done....so i will have to call the school tomorrow and find out what is going on......the school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying and harrassment and she is being harrassed so it should be addressed. and i don't know whether to believe her when she says that she has already gone to the bus driver and principle about the issue because she has lied so much to me the last few months.....i hate not being able to trust her.....but that unfortunately is the boat that i am in. and she thinks i'm being unfair because i won't trust her.....but she has told so many lies that i just don't know what is the truth and what isn't anymore. well i guess that is all for now....i am at work and need to tend to things here. bye for now
rachel
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Old 02-16-2009, 03:04 PM   #19 (permalink)
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well the problems with my daughter have finally come to a head and she tried to harm herself two weeks ago. things have been really hectic. and my dad had to have emergency surgery last weds so i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. things are so tenuous right now....i just don't know if i am comming or going at this point in time. trying to juggle my daughter, dad, school full time, and work full time, and my son. i feel like i can't catch my breath. i have started having panic attacks and i know that it is just the fact that everything is hitting me at once here. i just can't seem to catch a break and i have my older brothers criticizing me for everything...why did i let things get so out of control with my daughter....how did i let my dad get so sick....why am i letting my son be so disrespectful....why don't i have more control over what is going on....why am i so incompentent....but i don't see any of them rearranging their lives to move here to take care of my father. they are all more than happy to let me be the primary care giver and just add thier two cents in all the time. i am angry...upset...concerned...scared...and hurt....and nobody gives a damn!!!! i am just supposed to suck it up and deal with it as i was so politely told by one brother. well i am trying to deal with it...but it is hard especially when i am getting hit with everything all at once....i just recover from one thing and another goes wrong. well i have to go to class so i will have to cut this short.....thanks for listening....as always i am grateful to have this as an outlet to vent....and sorry i haven't posted sooner i just haven't had time.
rachel
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Old 02-17-2009, 02:42 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Oh boy you have a lot on your plate and I'm so sorry, I'm sending my positive thoughts to the Universe for you all, I understand my son overdosed last week.
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