Morning Glory

Given the recent upsurge in people either admitting to a suicide attempt or feeling very suicidal can I just remind people that, although we care and will try to help if we can, the best option is to contact a doctor, psychiatrist, crisis support line or go to your local hospital for assistance.

I know it is difficult when you are this low but please do use the services available for you when you are at crisis point. We have many members struggling with depression and posts that discuss suicide can be a trigger for others. We will remove posts at our discretion for this reason. Please do not take this as rejection. It is our way of protecting everyone here. Please feel free to send a private message to a moderator for additional assistance.

Read this first ...If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this.

More Resources ...a page full of other help resources

How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this.

Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.

The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.

Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.

Other online sources of help:

• The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.

• Suicide Hotlines by Country http://www.befrienders.org/

• Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.
  
  
  
  
  
• Depression support group online:
  
  Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.
  
  
  
  
• Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs.
  
  
  
  
  
• Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.
  
  
  
  
  
• If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.
  
  
  
  
  

Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.

• Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book
  
  
  
  
  
• Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book
  
  
  
  
  
• How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book
  
  
  
  
  

Don W

Morning Glory, Thank you. I would just like to add that I have felt the pain of you that are reading this. I tried everything to stop my mind from producing memories that brought pain. The alcohol stopped working although I kept drinking. The bottle of percocet
I took to finally silince my thoughts and pain is like a horribe nightmare. Having a tube put down my throat couldn't stop my pleas to let me die. Having my stomach filled with charcol couldn't filter the hate I had for myself because of the things I had done and let be done to me. I wish I could tell you that even now when my mind brings the pain to the forefront that the thought
dosen't enter about the possible relief. I have found another way and you can also. Our minds have been injured but, not beyond repair. Call someone, talk to someone. You have something to offer the world. If you are reading this God has guided you to help, for he needs you. I need you to help me from ever getting to the point you may be at now. Many of us here on the PTSD board are in or have been in your shoes. Don W

shrecky

Morning Glory, Thanks for posting that here. One night a couple months ago I was thinking about killing myself I was crying and on the computer looking for a solution. I read that on a suicide site. I felt better immediatly! I forgot about it until you posted that. If it helped me it'll help others as well! Shreks:okay:

Morning Glory

Don and Shrecky,

Thanks so much for your posts. We know where to find each other if we need help.

I'm almost always here, lol. I think I may need to get out more.

Hugs to all,

MG

morningstar

and found that important messages were a computer click a way, and a phone line was always available too...

I'm being proactive here...I'm not currently feeling those feelings...but they scared me, really scared me, and it did feel like one of the sites said...a pain that was physical, not induced purely by my thoughts.

I'm still sort of unnerved by it--not definitely unnerved. I cannot go on "as usual", because last night was too dangerous. It's too dangerous to feel that way.

Maybe I won't cancel my internet service -- I was going to because I was spending too much time with people on line...I thought that was part of my problem. I needed more flesh and blood people in my lives.

I've vowed to start going to recovery meetings. I haven't been, because exercise is important but I have to do both.

They are both necessary for my health.

Thanks everyone.

For being here.

Morning Glory

morningstar,

Thank you for posting. I spend a lot of time online too and I don't have enough real people in my life either. Going to a meeting would really be good for you. You would really benefit from the support. Being here is great too. I've changed so much since I found these boards in March. It's made a huge difference for me. When I get overwhelmed emotionally I go see a counselor. I just went not too long ago because I was trying to deal with too much on my own. I only went for a couple of months.

Seeking help is a way to raise our coping skills so that we can handle the pain until we work through it. I've worked through a tremendous amount of pain in my life. Hang in there and know there is another way. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I'm so glad you're feeling better today. I'm so glad you searched for help when you needed it.

Hugs and we're here for you.

MG

morningstar

This is soooo... true. I feel stunned; in a state of mixed disbelief and fear of them recurring. I can honestly say in 53 years on this planet, I never felt the way I did last night. The past 2 years, I've had little tidbits of these feelings, and as an adolescent I romanticized suicide (once with a friend), but last night was torture. It didn't help that I was in physical pain...that too I couldn't run away from. I took pain killers (over the counter), just to placate that part of the problem. That did help.

Physical pain aggravates mental pain.

Thanks again. 5 minutes, 25 minutes, 24 hours. That's what I thought. I'll wash these dishes; sweep this floor; and eventually I was tired enough to sleep...somehow. I also turned up the air conditioning -- hate the heat and humidity here in NYC.

I was also thinking how I wanted to cry and couldn't. After Sept. 11th, I felt the same thing. I couldn't cry, and then I saw Mariah Carey sing "The Hero Inside of You".

Morning Glory

morningstar,

I'm sorry you have physical pain. I know that can really wear you down. I was in a car accident once and had physical pain for a long time afterward and really thought that I just couldn't handle it.

One time I felt like something outside myself was driving me to suicide. I fought with it for a day and night. It was really frightening. I think for me it was extreme anxiety causing me to feel that way. I also had repressed memories that hadn't surfaced yet. There can be a number of reasons for the way we feel. Don't forget a chemical imbalance can also contribute.

Please see your doctor as soon as possible. Medication could make all the difference and it usually will take 4 to 6 weeks before it works. So the sooner the better. Please feel free to share on the alanon board concerning your relationship. There are some pretty wonderful people over there.

Hugs,

MG

LyvLuvLaff

Hello MG,

I read some of your post,
I tried to read more.......but then started having a bad panic attack.
I am still working on learning to read.
I am Deaf/mute and have never gone to school.
soooooo I have no one to call and talk to when I am feeling this much in pain.

my coping resorces are very limited.
I cut myself today twice, just to feel a little better.
my inner kids are dealing with a SRA holiday.
and I am too. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do with all this pain, and there is no relief.

Feels like the panic attacks and flashbacks are in more control than I am.
And that really scares me.


I can't sort this all out anymore.............it is just too big.

LyvLuvLaff :dead:

Morning Glory

LyvLuvLaff,

You don't have to sort it all out today. It will sort itself out in time. It is not about control, but about acceptance. You are going to have these flashbacks and have this pain. It will not last forever though. It is the second fear that is the hardest to cope with. I know because I coped with it. My daughter went through ritual abuse as a child and she is coping now. YOU will be able to cope too.

It's important that you find a safe place and wrap yourself in a blanket or hold a pillow. Establish some boundaries that you don't feel like you have. Keep your focus on something in the room. Touch something and bring yourself back to the present. I know how hard the panic can be to cope with. I did it without medication and it was very severe for me. I made it through by holding on to my Higher Power. You may have issues with a higher power because of the abuse you've gone through.

Please just know that I am here for you and you are not alone. If you just keep going you will make it through all of this. I just watched my daughter go through the same horror last year.

She is ok now and you can be too. If you feel it's too hard and you aren't coping call for help. I am going through the same thing right now. Not as severe as yours, but I am getting through it by accepting it and not letting it turn into panic. Don't feed the second fear. Tell yourself that you are ok. Start talking positive to yourself. Talk yourself down.

Hugs,
MG

trappedinside

I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I went through a rough childhood and am still going through a really rough teen life. I am 14 and have tried comitting suicide over 12 times, I am scared of everything. I don't cry, so I cannot release the things i need to anyother way but cutting or drugs. Drugs being cigarettes, lithium, alchohol. But I am not addicted, I just do them when I cannot take anymore. I feel I am alone, no one else here feels the way I do, and sometimes that is tougher then you think, within a small community one person can be alone, and it makes everything different. I have read this before and when you have a personal experience with it, nothing helps, not even something as encouraging as this. Thankyou for the encouragement, maybe I just needed to see it again.

Morning Glory

trappedinside,

I know what it's like to be lonely and feel isolated and different from everyone else. I feel isolated and different every day of my life. It's not hard on me now because I've learned to cope with it and even appreciate it now.

You're still so young and it will take time to sort this all through. Being lonely at your age is very hard. Morbid thoughts are a symptom of going through trauma. If I were you I would seek out a trauma specialist or talk to someone at a sexual abuse center. I found that many counselors that I saw did not understand what I was going through and they just made me feel more helpless and hopeless. There are counselors out there who do understand. Call a sexual abuse center and ask them if they can referr you to a truama specialist.

This is not how you will feel for the rest of your life. Get through a day at a time. Find support somewhere.

Hugs,
MG

2stop

I have so many experiences with the pain of suicidal emotions but what scares the crap out of me now is I will sometimes bypass the physical part, I will be just numb but I feel a relief because I know I can just do it....that's it! Over! I won't just take pills, I'll take all the pills and run in front of a truck. And I have started shakin gjust realizing what I was feeling. Sometimes it has been what gets me to the next day...saying to myself,,just wait til tomorrow you can do it then, I don't know I haven't been feeling myself, I know that getting clean after 20 years is a difficult thing for my emotions to accept and adjust to...but I get so scared here lately..what if I just snap and do it?? Is that like a part of my panic/anxiety disorder or that is that suicidal behaviour? I always feel so much guilt for feeling this way...I don't have anyone to call so I thought I'd post this here..I feel weird doing this where someone can read it, but I am trying to sort through all this and thought maybe this would be a good start. Thanks for listening.

Tammie

margo

Hi Tammie - I'm really sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I don't think that there are too many people who have not considered the idea of suicide at one time or another. I think that most times when we get those thoughts it's because all we really want is to escape the pain that we are feeling, not life itself. Suicide is not the answer - there is never anything worth taking your life over. I have lost 2 brothers to suicide and I can't tell you how many times I have wished that they had just reached out for help - the pain that is left behind when a loved one takes their own life is utterly devastating and unbearable. Tammie, when you feel this way, do exactly what you have done here - reach out for help to anyone and everything. Call a friend or family member, go see your doctor, call a crisis line, post here. You are loved, and those that do love you would do all they could and give all they had to help you through the pain that you feel. I'm so glad that you reached out here.

Love and hugs.

2stop

Thank you Margo, I have myself in such a mess...I am so incredibly scared, I would do anything to get past this, I have been working so hard, I just can't push myself today...I love my family more than anything in this world...and i know what it's like to watch your parents try and kill themselves from avery young age, I don't think i want to die..I want to live, problem is i do not KNOW how. It shames me more than I can say to admit this...Idon't know how to deal with all these emotions at once. I have been constantly feeling like someone is fixing to attack me, scream at me and hurt me, and then the drug detox, and thinking about my brother trying to shoot himself with his shotgun, my mother has been fixated on death lately, my husband is gone all week, and I don't know what to do....my children deserve a happy, healthy and whole mother, not this, not this rotten messed up drug-addicted tried all I could to be a good mother, never left them to use, never hurt or abused them, but I am not well, and I am sick and all evidence i have at this moment says that i won't make it, might not die from all this..but they don't have the kind of mother that i know they need. I don't even know who i am. I am so sorry for going on about this. I know I have to be strong, but I'm pretty weak right now.

Morning Glory

Tammie,

I used to be just like you when my kids were young and I was trying to survive while raising them. It was really tough. You can make it. Just keep talking to us. I'm sorry I missed your post. The new post indicators don't work right on this board. I miss posts all the time.

I finally got to a place that I called on beyond suicide. I learned to cope with so much that I went past the point of suicide and then could really handle the emotions after that. It's the fear that makes us want to escape. We don't have to be afraid to feel the emotions we carry. Those emotions can't kill us. We can go through them and come out the other side.

I found that every emotion was attached to an event in my past. When I dealt with all the memories then I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't lonely anymore. I'm still a bit depressed, but it's nothing I can't handle now. I was so so bad years ago. It was unbelievable what I had to live through. I know it's hard for you too. I have the most beautiful grandchildren that I would have missed if I had left this world. I'm so glad I toughed it out and kept going. There were times when I begged God to carry me because I knew I just couldn't even get up off the floor. The fear was so horrible and the pain was more than I could handle. He brought me through and he can bring you through too.

And my kids went through it too and I was able to help them through. Your kids are going to need you too later and by then you will be a pro at all of this.

We're here for you. If I should ever miss one of your posts please send me a private message and let me know you posted. I will never ignore you so if I don't reply within a day it means I didn't see it.

Hugs,
MG

2stop

It's okay MG. I know things get busy and to be honest I freaked after I posted it, I said OMG I actually posted about feeling suicidal, and then I worried about the men in white jackets coming, and well you know how our minds work, I got nervous about asking for help! I'm going to be alright I just got to unload some of this crap outside of myself, and like you said come to term's with it. You guys are so wonderfully supportive and understanding, I know God brought me to this site and I am thankful for each and every one of you.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Morning Glory

Tammie,

Don't ever feel afraid to post how you feel. Secrets keep us sick. Getting it out will always help.

Hugs,
MG

ODAT

I was in my early 20's when I first attempted suicide. And in my early 20's when I made a more 'serious' attempt. I still have the little zipper-like marks on my wrist where they stitched me up. It left some nice scar tissue and for that I am thankful.

A couple of things that I have found over the years that really help when in times of 'danger'.

At a time when you are 'not' in crisis.....when things have died down a little and the pain is not so intense, that is the time to write out a couple of lists and letters.

On the list.....I had to make several copies of it because I just wasn't good at finding stuff like that you know? Had to post on on my mirror, put one under my pillow.....put them places that I knew were safe. Fortunately for me I was in my own home so I didn't have to worry so much about what 'other' people think, although if I were, I guess I would have had to find a couple of good hiding spots.

The list.......a list of things to do when crisis hits.

First thing on the list.......and repeated often is something so very simple....and yet so very hard to remember to do if you are anything like I was.

Breathe.

Remember to breathe. Silly perhaps, but not when you learned to hold your breath as a way of keeping everything inside. Breathe in and out........and the better you get at that, the better things will become. Again sounds silly, but really it isn't. It works.

I remember a meditation teacher I was lucky to have once. She taught me to breathe. She said to imagine a white light above me. The light is very bright and beautiful and its right above me. It is shining down on me, its rays are around me......all around me.
They are infront of me, behind me, to my left and to my right.....all around me and the light shines and is cleansing and healing. I was to breathe in that light. Breathe it in as deeply as I could. And then exhale.

The air that I breathed out was dirty. It was murkey and poisonous....toxic from all of the things that was hurting me and had been hurting me. All of those memories, all of those thoughts....all of those things......they were not me, but were in me......and if I breathed out, they would come out of me....be dispelled by the light and just float away. And as I breathed in again.....I would breathe in deeply of the light....and the light would heal me.

I practised this many times while I was not in crisis so that when I was in crisis it was easier to do. I found that when I hurt, I could cry on the out breathes....shout sometimes...sometimes involuntarily.....moan....and then breathe in again.....kept doing this untill the pain subsided a little.

#2 on list.

Find a corner, a blanket, a teddy bear.....something I liked to hug. Hug it.

#3 on list. Breathe

#4 on list

Rock.....rock myself.....the feeling of rocking is soothing for a baby...and when I hurt the most it is usually because it is that baby that is still hurting. I am to rock it.....and in doing so rock myself.

#5 on list......Breathe

#6 on list.....call a friend. Have a few numbers there. Right There, on the list......call them.......even if they are not home......call.....one of the numbers or all of the numbers can be crisis lines etc......but call them. Talking helps.

I went through this crap alone as a child. I DO NOT have to relive it alone again. Only if I choose to.

#7 on list Breathe

#8 on list

Rock self, hug bear. hum a tune and maybe stroke an arm or a leg......stroke myself.......I did not receive much loving touch as a child....I can give that to myself now.

#9 on list........yup......Breathe

#10. Pray......yell to God if I have to, Talk to Him......ask Him for help.........keep the conversation going if necessary.

#11. Breathe.


Usually, I would not complete all the way through the list. In addition I had to start making lists of positive things about myself. Got some friends to help........but make the list. The qualities that are on that list are mine.......and I need to look at thme when I hurt the most.

Getting a box of 'provable-lovable' things helps. Cards with gems written on them from friends.....recovery friends.....little snatches of positive remarks......the list of positive qualities.....then when panic or pain hits.....I can look at them and know that I am not alone.

It also helps to learn the following phrase.....and keep it high on the list of things to remember. Again, post it on the wall in the safe place.

"Feelings are temporary. Feelings are NOT reality. Feelings are temporary........this will pass" saying this over and over again....again.....does help. Say it outloud.....so that your ears can hear it, your voice can say it, you mouth get used to saying it.....and your heart can slowly hear it too.

And if nothing else helps.......I always have found falling back on the old thing......if I kill myself....all I accomplish is to help HIM (abuser) win. HE will get the ultimate victory and I will have done HIM a favour. IF I heal.....get stronger.....get better.....then I WIN. He took alot from me....but He can NOT take myself from me. Only I can do that. At times like this.....once I clue into this......I find its good to have a pillow around....because the pain moves into anger.....and once that anger is directed outwards to the proper target......it no longer rules. Hitting pillows in a safe environment.....has been an excellent release for me.

I am a big believer in the idea that suicidal thoughts.....is pain and anger turned INWARDS......the pain is legit, the anger is legit.....but why the **** should I hurt myself and do his job for him??? He 'thinks' he won......but as long as I survive....as long as I live and get stronger and stronger........He has lost.

Hope some of this helps.

Morning Glory

Taira,

Thank you. That is a wonderful list. I've done all of the things on your list and it helps so much. Now occasionally I use the self talk to tell myself the anxiety will be gone soon.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Hugs,
MG