Obsessive thinking
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Join Date: May 2003
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Obsessive thinking part 1..
I found this in the last couple of days while diggin around the net and thought i would share it..its pretty interesting!! They say that obsessive thinking is attributed to codependency!
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1
"Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings.
Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc. This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown. It is codependent fear: a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life. This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear."
"Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear and shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. Learning to be compassionate in our relationship with our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking."
"Traditional Western medical science has ignored and discounted the spiritual and emotional components of being. The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested dis-ease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. Therefore, any spiritual, emotional, and mental dis-ease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions. Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - and other traditional medical and mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental and emotional problems as biological and to see the solution as chemical.
There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it is not possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional and spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc. That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it is not possible to say absolutely which is the cause and which is the effect. The chicken and egg conundrum. In other words, did the emotional trauma and the fear and shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first. Traditional Western medicine is not holistic - it does not treat the whole being, it treats symptoms."
This is the fourth in a series of articles focused on applying the spiritual principles of twelve step recovery in relationship to codependency. Welcome
to a page of
Joy2MeU
The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises
Go to Home Page
Site index page
Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book
Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
book ordering info
Applying Twelve Step Spiritual Principles
This is the fourth in a series of articles by codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher Robert Burney, focused on different manifestations of codependency and how the Spiritual principles of twelve step recovery can be applied to facilitate learning to have healthier relationships. This article - Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1 - was originally published online April 28 2002 on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com Directory. There is a list of - and links to - the other articles in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page. This article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in late August of 2003.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1
"Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings.
Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc. This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown. It is codependent fear: a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life. This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear."
"Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear and shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. Learning to be compassionate in our relationship with our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking."
"Traditional Western medical science has ignored and discounted the spiritual and emotional components of being. The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested dis-ease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. Therefore, any spiritual, emotional, and mental dis-ease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions. Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - and other traditional medical and mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental and emotional problems as biological and to see the solution as chemical.
There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it is not possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional and spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc. That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it is not possible to say absolutely which is the cause and which is the effect. The chicken and egg conundrum. In other words, did the emotional trauma and the fear and shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first. Traditional Western medicine is not holistic - it does not treat the whole being, it treats symptoms."
This is the fourth in a series of articles focused on applying the spiritual principles of twelve step recovery in relationship to codependency. Welcome
to a page of
Joy2MeU
The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises
Go to Home Page
Site index page
Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book
Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
book ordering info
Applying Twelve Step Spiritual Principles
This is the fourth in a series of articles by codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher Robert Burney, focused on different manifestations of codependency and how the Spiritual principles of twelve step recovery can be applied to facilitate learning to have healthier relationships. This article - Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1 - was originally published online April 28 2002 on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com Directory. There is a list of - and links to - the other articles in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page. This article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in late August of 2003.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Join Date: May 2003
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Obsessive thinking part 1 continued...
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1
By Robert Burney
"We were taught to approach life from a perspective of fear, survival, lack and scarcity. . . . . . We were taught that life is about destinations, and that when we get to point x - be it marriage or college degree or fame and fortune or whatever - we will live happily ever after.
That is not the way life works. You know that now, and probably threw out that fairy tale ending stuff intellectually a long time ago. But on some emotional level we keep looking for it because that is what the children in us were taught. We keep living life as if it is a dress rehearsal for "when our ship comes in." For when we really start to live. For when we get that relationship, or accomplishment, or money that will make us okay, that will fix us.
We do not need fixing. We are not broken. Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self."
"Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things.
We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings.
Doing our emotional healing allows us to feel clear about what is in front of us instead of torturing ourselves by obsessively thinking, trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings.
Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc. This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown. It is codependent fear: a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life. This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear.
The disease of codependency is a dysfunctional emotional defense system adapted by our egos to help us survive. The polarized perspective of life we were programmed with in early childhood, causes us to be afraid of making a mistake, of doing life "wrong." At the core of our being,we feel unlovable and unworthy - because our parents felt unlovable and unworthy - and we spend great amounts of energy trying to keep our shameful defectiveness a secret. We feel that, if we were perfect like we "should" be, we would not feel fear and confusion, and would have reached "happily ever after" by now. So, we shame ourselves for feeling fear, which adds gasoline to the inferno of fear that is driving us. The shame and fear that drive obsession becomes so painful and 'crazy making' that at some point we have to find some way to shut down our minds for a little while - drugs or alcohol or food or sleep or television, etc.
It is a very dysfunctional, and sad, way to relate to life. The fear we are empowering is about the future - the shame is about the past. We are not capable of being in the now and enjoying life because we are caught up in trauma melodramas about things which have not yet happened - or wallowing in orgies of self recrimination about the past, which can not be changed. Codependents do not really live life - we endure, we survive, we persevere.
Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior is caused by, and fed by, fear and shame. The feeling that the world will come to an end if ____ doesn't happen, or that it has come to an end because ____ happened, is a feeling coming from the wounded inner child. It is the result of early childhood emotional trauma - and the subconscious programming adapted by our egos to help us survive at a time when we were helpless and powerless.
An adult is not helpless and powerless. We are, however, powerless to know that, as long as we are unconsciously reacting to repressed emotional energy and subconscious programming. It is impossible to see our self or life clearly when we are caught up in trauma dramas (internally and externally) that feel life threatening. In our codependency, we are in denial of our emotions at the same time we are allowing the feelings of the wounded child within to define and dictate our lives.
Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear and shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. Learning to be compassionate in our relationship with our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking. Starting to choose to believe that there is a benevolent Force in the Universe, a Loving Higher Power, will facilitate taking power away from the fear of the unknown.
Love is the answer to obsession - but not the love of another person. Learning to be Loving to our self - and remembering that there is a Loving Higher Power, is the best way I have ever found to stop obsessive thinking.
Some notes of clarification from Robert Burney: (These notes were part of the article when it was originally published.)
I learned a lot about the wounding process of codependency by studying cases of people with multiple personality disorder. Anyone raised in an emotionally dishonest, dysfunctional culture had their relationship with themselves - their psyche - shattered and fractured into multiple disjointed segments in childhood. People with multiple personality / Dissociative Identity Disorder were pushed farther than the rest of us. The recovery process for the normal form of codependency and the more extreme multiple personality variety both require reclaiming and integrating these different parts of self into a functional internal structure that allows us to put a mature adult in charge of our internal dynamics instead of the wounded inner children or the critical parent / disease programming.
By Robert Burney
"We were taught to approach life from a perspective of fear, survival, lack and scarcity. . . . . . We were taught that life is about destinations, and that when we get to point x - be it marriage or college degree or fame and fortune or whatever - we will live happily ever after.
That is not the way life works. You know that now, and probably threw out that fairy tale ending stuff intellectually a long time ago. But on some emotional level we keep looking for it because that is what the children in us were taught. We keep living life as if it is a dress rehearsal for "when our ship comes in." For when we really start to live. For when we get that relationship, or accomplishment, or money that will make us okay, that will fix us.
We do not need fixing. We are not broken. Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self."
"Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things.
We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings.
Doing our emotional healing allows us to feel clear about what is in front of us instead of torturing ourselves by obsessively thinking, trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings.
Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc. This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown. It is codependent fear: a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life. This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear.
The disease of codependency is a dysfunctional emotional defense system adapted by our egos to help us survive. The polarized perspective of life we were programmed with in early childhood, causes us to be afraid of making a mistake, of doing life "wrong." At the core of our being,we feel unlovable and unworthy - because our parents felt unlovable and unworthy - and we spend great amounts of energy trying to keep our shameful defectiveness a secret. We feel that, if we were perfect like we "should" be, we would not feel fear and confusion, and would have reached "happily ever after" by now. So, we shame ourselves for feeling fear, which adds gasoline to the inferno of fear that is driving us. The shame and fear that drive obsession becomes so painful and 'crazy making' that at some point we have to find some way to shut down our minds for a little while - drugs or alcohol or food or sleep or television, etc.
It is a very dysfunctional, and sad, way to relate to life. The fear we are empowering is about the future - the shame is about the past. We are not capable of being in the now and enjoying life because we are caught up in trauma melodramas about things which have not yet happened - or wallowing in orgies of self recrimination about the past, which can not be changed. Codependents do not really live life - we endure, we survive, we persevere.
Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior is caused by, and fed by, fear and shame. The feeling that the world will come to an end if ____ doesn't happen, or that it has come to an end because ____ happened, is a feeling coming from the wounded inner child. It is the result of early childhood emotional trauma - and the subconscious programming adapted by our egos to help us survive at a time when we were helpless and powerless.
An adult is not helpless and powerless. We are, however, powerless to know that, as long as we are unconsciously reacting to repressed emotional energy and subconscious programming. It is impossible to see our self or life clearly when we are caught up in trauma dramas (internally and externally) that feel life threatening. In our codependency, we are in denial of our emotions at the same time we are allowing the feelings of the wounded child within to define and dictate our lives.
Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear and shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. Learning to be compassionate in our relationship with our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking. Starting to choose to believe that there is a benevolent Force in the Universe, a Loving Higher Power, will facilitate taking power away from the fear of the unknown.
Love is the answer to obsession - but not the love of another person. Learning to be Loving to our self - and remembering that there is a Loving Higher Power, is the best way I have ever found to stop obsessive thinking.
Some notes of clarification from Robert Burney: (These notes were part of the article when it was originally published.)
I learned a lot about the wounding process of codependency by studying cases of people with multiple personality disorder. Anyone raised in an emotionally dishonest, dysfunctional culture had their relationship with themselves - their psyche - shattered and fractured into multiple disjointed segments in childhood. People with multiple personality / Dissociative Identity Disorder were pushed farther than the rest of us. The recovery process for the normal form of codependency and the more extreme multiple personality variety both require reclaiming and integrating these different parts of self into a functional internal structure that allows us to put a mature adult in charge of our internal dynamics instead of the wounded inner children or the critical parent / disease programming.
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Join Date: May 2003
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Obsessive thinking part 1 contined 3
In relationship to obsessive thinking, the manifestation of codependency that is the extreme, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD, which involves such things as: washing hands repeatedly; or returning to the apartment multiple times to make sure the stove is turned off; etc.) will probably require medication to bring the disorder under control enough to be able to focus on recovery. Like other conditions/diseases that are fueled by the reactive condition of codependency, and that involve a genetic predisposition and/or compulsively self destructive behavior (alcoholism, some eating disorders, extreme forms of relationship or sexual addiction, etc.), it is sometimes necessary to bring the symptoms under control before the cause can be addressed - but addressing the cause is vital in making possible significant, long term changes in the symptomatic behavioral disorders.
Traditional Western medical science has ignored and discounted the spiritual and emotional components of being. The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested dis-ease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. Therefore, any spiritual, emotional, and mental dis-ease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions. Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - and other traditional medical and mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental and emotional problems as biological and to see the solution as chemical.
There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it is not possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional and spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc. That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it is not possible to say absolutely which is the cause and which is the effect. The chicken and egg conundrum. In other words, did the emotional trauma and the fear and shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first. Traditional Western medicine is not holistic - it does not treat the whole being, it treats symptoms. Medication is necessary for some people. It is an invaluable temporary help for others. It is not the whole answer. The great majority of doctors are limited by their training, the intellectual paradigm which determines their perspective, to believing that they do know the answers.
In my belief and experience, a person's relationship to any dis-ease can be improved by the adaptation and integration of a Loving Spiritual belief system.
It is vital to change our relationship with our own emotions in order to take power away from the distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated variety of fear that drives obsession so that we can stop the compulsive behavior that is driven by repressed emotional energy. And the underlying reason that fear is given so much power is the shame about being human that is at the foundation of our relationship with self.
Taking power away from the shame so that we can take power away from the fear is greatly facilitated by becoming involved in a twelve step Spiritual recovery program in order to develop some kind of benevolent spiritual relationship with life.
Here is a quote from an article on my web site about spirituality.
"My own personal Spiritual belief system is one form of spirituality. It is certainly not the only one. Mine works for me very well in helping me to have a relationship with life that allows me to be happier today. It is not necessary for you to accept my belief system in order for you to use the tools, techniques, and perspectives that I have developed for emotional healing / codependence recovery / inner child integration.
For the purposes of this discussion of spiritual integration, I would now define what I refer to as a Spiritual Awakening in the quote above, as: being open to a larger perspective - awakening from being trapped in a limiting perspective. In this regard, spiritual would be a qualifier, an adjective, that describes the quality of one's relationship with life.
This adjective, spiritual, would be (in my definition) a word describing an expanded level of consciousness. A level of consciousness, of awareness, that is expansive and inclusive and facilitates personal growth - as opposed to limited, exclusive, rigid, and inhibiting growth, development, and alternative view points.
By this definition, any religion that claims to be the chosen one, that excludes alternative perspectives or certain people, is not spiritual." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - spiritual integration
So, basically what I am saying, is that codependency (which includes an addictive, toxic, abusive concept of love) is the problem and Love is the solution. Any belief system that empowers separation, fear and shame is codependent in my definition - not spiritual. There is a saying I like: "Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there." It is possible to be spiritual without being religious, and possible to connect spiritually within a religion - but some religion as it is practiced is not at all spiritual.
Recovery is a process of learning to stop living in the hell that the illusion of separation - which empowers fear and shame - created, and start living life based upon remembering that we are connected to everyone and everything in Love.
Next in the series: Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
Traditional Western medical science has ignored and discounted the spiritual and emotional components of being. The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested dis-ease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. Therefore, any spiritual, emotional, and mental dis-ease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions. Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - and other traditional medical and mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental and emotional problems as biological and to see the solution as chemical.
There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it is not possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional and spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc. That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it is not possible to say absolutely which is the cause and which is the effect. The chicken and egg conundrum. In other words, did the emotional trauma and the fear and shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first. Traditional Western medicine is not holistic - it does not treat the whole being, it treats symptoms. Medication is necessary for some people. It is an invaluable temporary help for others. It is not the whole answer. The great majority of doctors are limited by their training, the intellectual paradigm which determines their perspective, to believing that they do know the answers.
In my belief and experience, a person's relationship to any dis-ease can be improved by the adaptation and integration of a Loving Spiritual belief system.
It is vital to change our relationship with our own emotions in order to take power away from the distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated variety of fear that drives obsession so that we can stop the compulsive behavior that is driven by repressed emotional energy. And the underlying reason that fear is given so much power is the shame about being human that is at the foundation of our relationship with self.
Taking power away from the shame so that we can take power away from the fear is greatly facilitated by becoming involved in a twelve step Spiritual recovery program in order to develop some kind of benevolent spiritual relationship with life.
Here is a quote from an article on my web site about spirituality.
"My own personal Spiritual belief system is one form of spirituality. It is certainly not the only one. Mine works for me very well in helping me to have a relationship with life that allows me to be happier today. It is not necessary for you to accept my belief system in order for you to use the tools, techniques, and perspectives that I have developed for emotional healing / codependence recovery / inner child integration.
For the purposes of this discussion of spiritual integration, I would now define what I refer to as a Spiritual Awakening in the quote above, as: being open to a larger perspective - awakening from being trapped in a limiting perspective. In this regard, spiritual would be a qualifier, an adjective, that describes the quality of one's relationship with life.
This adjective, spiritual, would be (in my definition) a word describing an expanded level of consciousness. A level of consciousness, of awareness, that is expansive and inclusive and facilitates personal growth - as opposed to limited, exclusive, rigid, and inhibiting growth, development, and alternative view points.
By this definition, any religion that claims to be the chosen one, that excludes alternative perspectives or certain people, is not spiritual." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - spiritual integration
So, basically what I am saying, is that codependency (which includes an addictive, toxic, abusive concept of love) is the problem and Love is the solution. Any belief system that empowers separation, fear and shame is codependent in my definition - not spiritual. There is a saying I like: "Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there." It is possible to be spiritual without being religious, and possible to connect spiritually within a religion - but some religion as it is practiced is not at all spiritual.
Recovery is a process of learning to stop living in the hell that the illusion of separation - which empowers fear and shame - created, and start living life based upon remembering that we are connected to everyone and everything in Love.
Next in the series: Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
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Obsessive thinking part 2
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
"Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.
The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me."
"Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives."
"I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession."
This is the fifth in a series of articles focused on applying the spiritual principles of twelve step recovery in relationship to codependency. Welcome
to a page of
Joy2MeU
The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises
Go to Home Page
Site index page
Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book
Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
book ordering info
Applying Twelve Step Spiritual Principles
This is the fifth in a series of articles by codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher Robert Burney, focused on different manifestations of codependency and how the Spiritual principles of twelve step recovery can be applied to facilitate learning to have healthier relationships. This article - Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2 - was originally published online May 29, 2002 on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com Directory . There is a list of - and links to - the other articles in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page. This article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in late August of 2003.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
By Robert Burney
""I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional. It was very important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I ended and other people began, and to start realizing that I can have some control over my internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental - that I can stop being the victim of myself."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation with a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I would write pages and pages. I would say this, and then she would say that, and then I would say, etc., etc. This conversation would build to a the climax where I would say just the right words and suddenly she would understand. She would see the light and rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her and how much I loved her. And then we would live happily ever after.
The trouble was, she never had the same script I did.
Looking back, it is both silly and sad to remember the amount of time and energy I would put into figuring out just the right words to say to get the other person to see how much she needed me.
Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.
The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me.
All codependents have some obsessive tendencies. Some of the flavors of obsessive thinking are: the alcoholic who starts thinking about where he/she is going for a drink after work, while eating breakfast; the drug addict who starts feeling some panic when the prescription bottle or the baggy is almost empty and starts urgently focusing on replenishing the supply; the person whose relationship has ended who focuses on the good times and ignores the bad, or who focuses on what an awful villain the other person is - and keeps trying to find allies to support that view by telling horror stories to friends (who will then be baffled and confused when the person jumps at the chance to go back into the relationship); the person who is always focused on eating, or dieting; the person who is constantly thinking about money, or the lack of it, and projecting fantasies of grandiose jackpots or homeless ruination; the person who obsessively cleans house because their fear of the unknown drives them to focus on that which they can control; etc., etc.
Someone told me as some point in my recovery, that what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping. I didn't want to hear that, but I came to see that there was Truth in it.
Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives.
To paraphrase something I said in my March article here - Letting Go of Unavailable People - what is so important, is to stop focusing on an external source as the cause of, or solution to, our problems. It is vital to start focusing on what we do have some control over instead of things which we cannot control.
One of the most powerful tools in my recovery from the beginning has been The Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is a very simple formula, a template, for how to live life in a way that works. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.
Focusing my time and energy on trying to change another person, or on controlling the outcome of a situation is a dysfunctional way to live life because it is not really living. Living happens in the moment - not in the future or the past.
One of the most important things I learned to do to counteract obsessive thinking was to pull myself back into the moment. Take some deep breaths and get into my body in the moment. Look around me and see where I am and what is happening now. And then take some action.
I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession.
It was very valuable for me in recovery to realize that I cannot force myself out of an emotional place - I can't force my process. I learned that I needed to accept where ever I was emotionally - no matter how uncomfortable. Once I accept where I am at, then I can take some action that will be helpful in moving me to a different emotional place.
One of the things I have control over, that I have the power to change, is what I am doing in the moment. I have the power to force myself to take an action. Not because I "should" - because it is the kind thing to do for me.
Allowing myself to be in my head wallowing in the agony of the trauma drama that is obsession is not a kind thing to do for myself. Getting up and getting in motion is a good thing.
I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk.
"Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.
The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me."
"Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives."
"I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession."
This is the fifth in a series of articles focused on applying the spiritual principles of twelve step recovery in relationship to codependency. Welcome
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Applying Twelve Step Spiritual Principles
This is the fifth in a series of articles by codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher Robert Burney, focused on different manifestations of codependency and how the Spiritual principles of twelve step recovery can be applied to facilitate learning to have healthier relationships. This article - Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2 - was originally published online May 29, 2002 on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com Directory . There is a list of - and links to - the other articles in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page. This article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in late August of 2003.
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Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
By Robert Burney
""I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional. It was very important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I ended and other people began, and to start realizing that I can have some control over my internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental - that I can stop being the victim of myself."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation with a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I would write pages and pages. I would say this, and then she would say that, and then I would say, etc., etc. This conversation would build to a the climax where I would say just the right words and suddenly she would understand. She would see the light and rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her and how much I loved her. And then we would live happily ever after.
The trouble was, she never had the same script I did.
Looking back, it is both silly and sad to remember the amount of time and energy I would put into figuring out just the right words to say to get the other person to see how much she needed me.
Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.
The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me.
All codependents have some obsessive tendencies. Some of the flavors of obsessive thinking are: the alcoholic who starts thinking about where he/she is going for a drink after work, while eating breakfast; the drug addict who starts feeling some panic when the prescription bottle or the baggy is almost empty and starts urgently focusing on replenishing the supply; the person whose relationship has ended who focuses on the good times and ignores the bad, or who focuses on what an awful villain the other person is - and keeps trying to find allies to support that view by telling horror stories to friends (who will then be baffled and confused when the person jumps at the chance to go back into the relationship); the person who is always focused on eating, or dieting; the person who is constantly thinking about money, or the lack of it, and projecting fantasies of grandiose jackpots or homeless ruination; the person who obsessively cleans house because their fear of the unknown drives them to focus on that which they can control; etc., etc.
Someone told me as some point in my recovery, that what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping. I didn't want to hear that, but I came to see that there was Truth in it.
Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives.
To paraphrase something I said in my March article here - Letting Go of Unavailable People - what is so important, is to stop focusing on an external source as the cause of, or solution to, our problems. It is vital to start focusing on what we do have some control over instead of things which we cannot control.
One of the most powerful tools in my recovery from the beginning has been The Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is a very simple formula, a template, for how to live life in a way that works. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.
Focusing my time and energy on trying to change another person, or on controlling the outcome of a situation is a dysfunctional way to live life because it is not really living. Living happens in the moment - not in the future or the past.
One of the most important things I learned to do to counteract obsessive thinking was to pull myself back into the moment. Take some deep breaths and get into my body in the moment. Look around me and see where I am and what is happening now. And then take some action.
I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession.
It was very valuable for me in recovery to realize that I cannot force myself out of an emotional place - I can't force my process. I learned that I needed to accept where ever I was emotionally - no matter how uncomfortable. Once I accept where I am at, then I can take some action that will be helpful in moving me to a different emotional place.
One of the things I have control over, that I have the power to change, is what I am doing in the moment. I have the power to force myself to take an action. Not because I "should" - because it is the kind thing to do for me.
Allowing myself to be in my head wallowing in the agony of the trauma drama that is obsession is not a kind thing to do for myself. Getting up and getting in motion is a good thing.
I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk.
Big kitty nose hugs
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
Posts: 1,261
Obsessive thinking part 2 continued
It was vital for me to learn to take action in alignment with my recovery. Working the third step in the twelve step program - "Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care" of a Higher Power as I understand him/her/it - is a step of action. It is not enough to have faith - we need to take action based upon that belief.
Love, like faith, is not just a theoretical concept. Love requires action. Loving ourselves means taking actions that are good for us, that are kind and Loving. I will talk some more in my next article here about applying the Serenity Prayer in our lives - learning to take responsibility for the things I can change as a way of being Loving to my self.
Next article in the series (on suite101): Discernment - The Wisdom to Know the Difference
Love, like faith, is not just a theoretical concept. Love requires action. Loving ourselves means taking actions that are good for us, that are kind and Loving. I will talk some more in my next article here about applying the Serenity Prayer in our lives - learning to take responsibility for the things I can change as a way of being Loving to my self.
Next article in the series (on suite101): Discernment - The Wisdom to Know the Difference
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 8
Hi Sky,
Thank you for this post on obsessive thinking. I found it very interesting. Boy, did it hit home with me. I do have obsessive thoughts and feel like I am driving myself crazy at times. A lot of what your post said made sense to me. I am going to print it so I can keep it and read it again.
Thanks,
Anita
Thank you for this post on obsessive thinking. I found it very interesting. Boy, did it hit home with me. I do have obsessive thoughts and feel like I am driving myself crazy at times. A lot of what your post said made sense to me. I am going to print it so I can keep it and read it again.
Thanks,
Anita
Big kitty nose hugs
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
Posts: 1,261
I am glad that this is helpful to others. I have just found this myself and am still working through it. I makes alot of sense to me also.
Though I understand the concept of the child within, I cannot help but feel silly nurturing it?? Does anyone else feel this way?
Morning Glory
Thank you for cleaning this up for me..wasnt thinking when I posted it all the way I did.
And yes..do get some sleep my fine feathered friend.
Though I understand the concept of the child within, I cannot help but feel silly nurturing it?? Does anyone else feel this way?
Morning Glory
Thank you for cleaning this up for me..wasnt thinking when I posted it all the way I did.
And yes..do get some sleep my fine feathered friend.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
Sky,
I just plain feel silly about myself period. The more I learn about myself the harder it is not to loathe what I've become. This has all happened to me right before my eyes and yet I was blind to see it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare much of the time. I really do feel like I'm just surviving life rather than really living it.
Laughing at my silliness helps me at times: it's the one good thing that can come out of my misery.
I just plain feel silly about myself period. The more I learn about myself the harder it is not to loathe what I've become. This has all happened to me right before my eyes and yet I was blind to see it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare much of the time. I really do feel like I'm just surviving life rather than really living it.
Laughing at my silliness helps me at times: it's the one good thing that can come out of my misery.
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I hear you Captain Morgan. I feel that way too. I don't loath myself anymore, but I am surviving and not living. Life just seemed to go away somewhere along the way. It never was good, but at least I felt I was living. Now it's just drag myself out of bed and wait until bedtime again.
This statement above sounds so hard to do, but I think I'm going to try it and see if it helps. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
"I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk."
I'm going to clean the cat litter box now. I wonder if I'll find something else to do when I'm out by the trash can, lol.
At least it's something.
Hugs,
MG
This statement above sounds so hard to do, but I think I'm going to try it and see if it helps. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
"I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk."
I'm going to clean the cat litter box now. I wonder if I'll find something else to do when I'm out by the trash can, lol.
At least it's something.
Hugs,
MG
Big kitty nose hugs
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Join Date: May 2003
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(((Captain Morgan)))
Sending you sisterly hugs, as I too have been there.
It is so important to foregive ourselves, and it takes time I know, boy do I. But it is vital to our recovery, it really is.
We do the best with what we have at the time, as morning glory has reminded me many times.
What really helps me in this is the saying "Let the past be part of who we become, not who we are." Thinking about it this way is kind of cool.
You are here, talking on these boards, and that my friend is a very great move!
Morning Glory
Did you maybe find any good trash treasure when you went out to the trash can?
Oh, I have been feeling the same way that you have described!
and I swear I can feel the pounds racking up on my booty, and everywhere else too!!
God love your heart, I know I do!
Sending you sisterly hugs, as I too have been there.
It is so important to foregive ourselves, and it takes time I know, boy do I. But it is vital to our recovery, it really is.
We do the best with what we have at the time, as morning glory has reminded me many times.
What really helps me in this is the saying "Let the past be part of who we become, not who we are." Thinking about it this way is kind of cool.
You are here, talking on these boards, and that my friend is a very great move!
Morning Glory
Did you maybe find any good trash treasure when you went out to the trash can?Oh, I have been feeling the same way that you have described!
and I swear I can feel the pounds racking up on my booty, and everywhere else too!!
God love your heart, I know I do!
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
MG - Sometimes it's amazing where you can find things to do, haha.
Sky - Thanks. I'll take all the hugs I can get. I thought I made a lot of progress a couple of years ago accepting who I am, but I'm learning my whole way of life needs to change if I'm ever going to get it together; it's very overwhelming. I've just developed so many bad habits I guess. I've really become comfortable being alone, and yet it's not really what I want. I'm not really ready for a relationship, and yet I feel really lonely...blah. I hate talking about this. I just feel like I love life, and yet I hate living it.
Sky - Thanks. I'll take all the hugs I can get. I thought I made a lot of progress a couple of years ago accepting who I am, but I'm learning my whole way of life needs to change if I'm ever going to get it together; it's very overwhelming. I've just developed so many bad habits I guess. I've really become comfortable being alone, and yet it's not really what I want. I'm not really ready for a relationship, and yet I feel really lonely...blah. I hate talking about this. I just feel like I love life, and yet I hate living it.
Big kitty nose hugs
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
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Captain Morgan
Hugs are abundant around here, they are a very good source of support I think.
Our whole lives do need to change, but remember that it only needs to change one day at a time. Knowlege is the key, and once we know of things that need to change..the rest seems to kind of fall into place.
I have always felt lonely in my life. But ya know, alot of it was my own doing. When I feel fear or pain, my impulse is to pull away from everyone. And if I do this, I seperate myself from the love and support of family and friends. Thus, the loneliness.
I have always had a hard time saying that I love life. Living it has always been a good challenge for me. When I have the blahs, I try to find a project to do, one that will take a few days to complete. And it really helps me get through. And then I have a great new something to look at! my next project I am planning is to paint to little dressers to match one another.
Hoping you have a good day, my friend.
Hugs are abundant around here, they are a very good source of support I think.
Our whole lives do need to change, but remember that it only needs to change one day at a time. Knowlege is the key, and once we know of things that need to change..the rest seems to kind of fall into place.
I have always felt lonely in my life. But ya know, alot of it was my own doing. When I feel fear or pain, my impulse is to pull away from everyone. And if I do this, I seperate myself from the love and support of family and friends. Thus, the loneliness.
I have always had a hard time saying that I love life. Living it has always been a good challenge for me. When I have the blahs, I try to find a project to do, one that will take a few days to complete. And it really helps me get through. And then I have a great new something to look at! my next project I am planning is to paint to little dressers to match one another.
Hoping you have a good day, my friend.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 8
Hi Sky,
I re-read this post and it sure has answered some of the questions as to why I would obsess and react the way I did. It all makes sense. It has been my pattern forever. Always looking for that "quick'fix" in finding happiness. And of course, it wasn't the
answer. Just made things worse. I will have 30 days sober under my belt tomorrow and am just taking things one day at a time and just concentrating on getting myself on the right track and stopping and smelling the roses. I have to find me first and enjoy me first before taking on any relationship. Fortunately, I have good family, friends and now this board there for me. Since, I have found this board I feel a bit of peace within myself, there are other people out there going through and feeling the same way I do. Sometimes, it hard for family and friends to really understand. They are supportive, but I feel I get a lot more insight here on what I am going through. Hope I didn't ramble on too much.
Thanks Again,
Anita
I re-read this post and it sure has answered some of the questions as to why I would obsess and react the way I did. It all makes sense. It has been my pattern forever. Always looking for that "quick'fix" in finding happiness. And of course, it wasn't the
answer. Just made things worse. I will have 30 days sober under my belt tomorrow and am just taking things one day at a time and just concentrating on getting myself on the right track and stopping and smelling the roses. I have to find me first and enjoy me first before taking on any relationship. Fortunately, I have good family, friends and now this board there for me. Since, I have found this board I feel a bit of peace within myself, there are other people out there going through and feeling the same way I do. Sometimes, it hard for family and friends to really understand. They are supportive, but I feel I get a lot more insight here on what I am going through. Hope I didn't ramble on too much.
Thanks Again,
Anita
Big kitty nose hugs
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
Posts: 1,261
Anita
Congrats on the 30 days!! I hope that you can remember to give youself alot of credit for this major accomplishment.
You are so very lucky to have a good support system in your life. I am so glad that you are here, and hope that you keep posting here.
We are all jewels here, but we only sparkle with the light off of each other.
Congrats on the 30 days!! I hope that you can remember to give youself alot of credit for this major accomplishment.
You are so very lucky to have a good support system in your life. I am so glad that you are here, and hope that you keep posting here.
We are all jewels here, but we only sparkle with the light off of each other.
I will print it out and add it to my recovery collection.
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