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Old 04-07-2006, 06:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation My husband is an addict and I don't know how to respond

I am newly married, and within a few months of being married I discovered that my husband is a drug addict. I knew that he had used in the past, years ago but had no idea that he still used. I found out one night when I took a nap and he took the car to 'get something from the office' and didn't return for seven hours. Subsequently, he fessed up to everything and is enrolled in a substance abuse program where he goes to one group meeting a week and one individual. This was about a month ago.

Last night, I wasn't feeling well and asked him to run out and get me some cough drops so I could sleep. This time he was only gone about an hour and a half, but he brought the crack back with him and smoked up in one of the bedrooms. I ended up taking most of it away from him and dumping in down the drain.

This morning he went to see his counselor. He came back and said that he acted horribly and has never treated anyone this terribly. Blah blah blah. That what he did last night was destroying our relationship. Blah blah blah. Pushing away the good stuff.

My questions: What am I supposed to do and feel? Where is the line between support and co-dependence? I've never had to deal with this. How do I respond? Should there be consequences? If so, what are they?
What should I expect from an addict?

I'm alone here on the island besides my husband.

Any guidance would be much appreciated!
Hurt in Hawaii
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Old 04-07-2006, 10:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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(((HnH))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I would like to invite you to check out the Naranon board we have here at this site for friends and Family of addicts. Check out the sticky post there.

I think there is no supposed to feel you feel what you feel. If you are supporting him while he uses we could call it enabling. You probably would be serving yourself well to learn about good boundries and also try to detach from what he is doing and start looking at what you are doing. You said you are isolated in Hawaii? Surely there must be something you enjoy doing. I hope you find some answers keep posting!!
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Old 04-08-2006, 01:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for the response.

Could you clarify what you mean by "supporting him while he is using" and what you mean by "good boundaries?"
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
the girl can't help it
 
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support while using= working and paying the bills while he spends all his money on dope, telling lies to cover for him and protect him from the consequences of using.

boundries= not letting someone else trample or use you or your personal property for dope or fro any other reason saying yes when you really mean no. If you go to the naranon forum you can post there too and probably get more responces to your questions. Take good care of yourself and keep posting!!!
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Old 04-09-2006, 02:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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HI Hurt in Hawaii.....
Well I can't tell you how you should feel....although I can imagine that you feel very hurt and very shocked.
He has totally lied to you for a start! Although I do find it a little strange that you failed to notice that somebody was taking crack!! it's a pretty strong drug with big effects after all! is this because he's only just started using again? Addiction is an illness so unfortunately it is hard to help somebody in this position. What you can do is to recognise that it is a very serious problem and illness, to be able to get him the professional help that he needs. No amount of chats, etc are going to 'snap' him out of it. DO NOT throw the drugs down the toilet - two reasons - first if he withdraws it can be dangerous, secondly you don't know how he is going to react.

Is it **safe** for *YOU* to be around somebody taking crack?

Personally I think that it totally NORMAL to want to 'support' a loved one in a crisis. Don't make the support a means for him to carry on. You can support him by helping him to get the professional help that he needs. You can't change it or make it right for him. I don't think that you wanting to help him make you codependent, it makes you a normal human being responding to a crisis of somebody you deeply care for. If he won't go to one of his group meetings - go yourself and maybe find out a bit more. Get some professional advice xxxx
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Old 04-09-2006, 02:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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see this link - it is for alcoholics but can apply to a drug addict to:

http://www.aamolly.org.uk/drinkers.html
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My Husband is an addict

Hello Hurt In Hawaii,

It's easy to give advice when we havn't been in someone else's shoes. I have no advice, but I do have an understanding and sometimes it is good to know that we aren't alone. I know that I felt that way when I read your post.

When my husband and I were married I did not know he was an addict. He told me that he had had a problem but not that it was current. It took me a year before I noticed his addiction and I think that is because it had gotten worse.

My husband is hooked on pain pills in large doses which he takes in a manner that is not prescribed. I first noticed it when he would go out for a run to the store and be gone for hours and hours. Then come home and lie about where he had been. It got worse when he started going to his exwife for pills. Now he gets a prescription for them. He gets a large amount and goes through them in a matter of days then he's back to the street husseling and getting them any way he can. I've had to hide the check book, the debit card, the cash, and for a while I was hiding his pills and handing them out to him in the prescribed dose. He would search the house while I was gone and find them no matter where I put them. Now he's back to asking his exwife for drugs. She's happy to give them to him because this gives her a sense of power over him.

Here is the problem. I love him. We are in business together and I know he loves me the best he can. When an addict is where my husband is it is difficult for them to love anyone past their drugs. I don't know what to do. I just keep loving him. If I demand change, he trys for a while, but always falls back into it. I have tried all I know to try except leaving. Right now leaving is not an option. So heres to say your not alone.
I pray that your heart, peace, and faith remain strong.
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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(((HeartSongs))) - Welcome to SR!! This original post was done in 2006, but don't worry...I lurked for a couple of years and when I finally signed in, I responded to all KINDS of posts that were old.

I'm a recovering crack addict as well as loved one of people who use one thing or another. I actually turned to drugs in order to deal with my relationship with an A (alcoholic/addict). most people don't do that, but I did.

I encourage you to check out the Friends & Family/substance abuse. Unfortunately, you are not lone.

I can tell you that most crack addicts get worse. They will take the money for rent/morgage, disappear for days, sell any and everything they can for that fix. Please protect yourself in this way.

Recovery IS possible, I'm living proof (over 5 years) but only the A (addict/alcoholic) can make that decision for themself.

We talk about "the 3 C's" which are: you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.

I went from being a higly certified RN to a street-walking crack addict, spent time locked up, was physically abused by guys I jumped into a car with to "do my thing" and get money for crack. My story is on here somewhere.

Love can't fix addiction If it did, this website wouldn't exist. I can only tell you that I will forever be gratefuly for my family who allowed me to live my life. I dug a really deep hole, am still digging back out at 5 years (crack is an expensive habit!!) but who are supportive of my recovery.

When I first found SR, I read a gazillion posts. Two years, or so, later, I finally signed on and it's the best decision I ever made.

You might want to ask yourself some questions....is him taking off and using okay with you? What do you want (trust me, I said HIM about 2 of the 3 XABF's - ex addict/alcoholic bf's) but what I wanted was for them to be what I wanted and needed....they were die-hard A's and couldn't give me that.

My only relationships have been with A's, one for over 20 years. I can tell you that, thanks to the people here, I know what I DON'T want in a relationship, just taking my time to get comfy with being me. What I do want? Someone who complements my life...I did the "can't live without him" and found out I can, and it's okay to make the best of my life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 06-24-2013, 08:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Married to an Addict

From experience, having a 12 year relationship with my ex-husband and staying around to have a child with him, I can tell you in most cases, addiction is very difficult. Addicts get better but they have to want to and in most cases I believe it is in your best interest to leave.
It took me 12 years and so much heartache and emotional abuse before I had the courage to leave. I loved my husband and wanted to help him but realized it was not up to me. YOu are responsible for your own happiness and I promise you there is little happiness in being married to an addict.
I just finished and published my first book, Hope Street, by Amanda Andruzzi it is a memoir of my life with my husband. Even if you don't read it, please ready my blogs online at addictionblog.

they are free and will give you some insight into what is going on.

I wrote the book Hope Street not to
get rich but to help other woman in this situation.

It is not pretty and you may be in for a life of insecurity and chaos. The key is you cannot help him, he has to get better on his own.

Thanks,
Amanda Andruzzi
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