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Old 01-30-2012, 02:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Girlfriend of Relapsed Addict

My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time now and have even talked about getting married and starting a life together. When we first started getting serious he opened up to me and told me all about his drug use and abuse. He was addicted to pain killers and even spent some time doing heroin. He joined the army and got clean and was completely clean when we first started dating.

A couple days ago he told me that he relapsed and did pain killers again and promised that he would never do drugs again and asked me if I would start to go to NA meetings with him. I really want to support him, but today I checked my bank statement and found that when he relapsed, he paid for his pills by stealing a check from my checkbook and forging a check to himself for $40.00.

I am completely heartbroken and torn and I just do not know what to do. I know that my boyfriend was not the one stealing from me, it was his addiction stealing from me, but I know I can't just justify it like that because it is totally not okay. This guy has my whole heart and his well-being is my top priority. I just no longer know how I can help and my trust has been completely shattered. I thought he was doing so good being sober and now we are right back to rock bottom.

I'm not a wife or family memeber and it is my choice to be in this relationship and I think that's why it is so hard. There is nothing tying me down, yet I can't seem to leave. I care about him more than anything but I just have no one to talk too since no one I know has dated an addict. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it more than anything
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You cannot believe anything he tells you. Nothing. And my instinct is that he was not clean for the time he told you he was.

If you stay with him, please attend a 12 step group because a drug addict boyfriend knows all the ways to gaslight you (make you think you're the crazy one, not him), so you need people in recovery on the outside to give you clear feedback because you will not be thinking clearly.

I'm sorry for your heartache. So sorry and hope you do seek help for yourself. Everyone will want you to cut contact with him and you may not be ready yet, so if you can go to weekly meetings, please do that at least.

And not HIS meetings. YOURS.

Wishing you good support and a clear head.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for the feedback. That is the problem I am dealing with right now, the fact that everyone says I can do better and wants me to be done with him. When he is sober he is the most amazing guy in the world and I just feel like I can't give up on that guy because of this problem. He never really had a stable father figure in his life and any that have tried to fill that position have walked out on him and his family so I feel like leaving him isn't even an option. I couldn't do that to my best friend.

Do I just go to any meetings? I don't even know what to look for looking for a 12 step meeting.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newuser2 View Post

This guy has my whole heart and his well-being is my top priority.
His well being is $40 better than it was before he stole from you.

" I don't do relationships with people who lie and steal from me" is a healthy boundary. It puts ones own well being before those who lie and steal.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by newuser2 View Post

I couldn't do that to my best friend.

A freind does not lie to or steal from a friend.

Opiate addicts tend to lie and steal from the people who care about them because those people are convenient and less likely to press charges.

Have you considered being your own best friend, first ?
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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This is only the tip of the iceberg. His disease is a progressive one, one that has no cure.
He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program...that's it.

Personally, I'd listen to your family and friends, they are not wearing rose colored glasses and are thinking with their head not their heart.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, it may help you to understand this disease and the rollercoaster ride you will be on if you stay with him.
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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The best meetings for you are Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous). Just google those plus your state and you will be linked to your city and meetings you can choose from.

If you are serious about staying with him for now then be serious about being the partner of an addict and do what all addiction doctors say you should do: attend your own meetings because you will without a doubt be a hindrance to his recovery (via enabling him without even realizing it) without being in recovery yourself, and you will also lose who you are in his issues. Your true self will disappear. Take responsibility not to let that happen.

Try to go to two meetings a week for as long as you are with him. Do not attend his meetings with him. Recovery is about boundaries and ownership of what is yours and what is mine, and separate meetings make this very clear.

Good luck and don't be afraid to post more as things unfold. People here call it like it like they see it but part of recovery is a willingness to listen with an open mind.
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Old 01-30-2012, 10:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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(((Newuser))) - Welcome to SR! I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and have loved ones who are still A's (addicts).

I spent decades with A's, 20+ with one who was what I would call a "functional alcoholic" - worked, paid bills, all that good stuff. He was great..except when he wasn't.

Addiction is a life-long thing. I've been in recovery for 5 years because it's the most important thing in my life. That ex (I have THREE ex A bf's) I recently heard is married and his wife is walking on eggshells to try to keep him from turning into the drunk jerk he can be. The other 2 ex's? Don't know about 1, the last one is dead from his addictions.

When we say "oh, but he's so great...." then have to add "except when he's doing drugs" that's a big red flag.

It takes time to absorb what all addiction involves. The stickies at the top of this forum have some really good information.

My best advice to you is go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings, read here, and pay attention to his ACTIONS. Words mean nothing when we're using...we'll tell you whatever we think you want to hear, often lie even if you catch us red-handed.

This is a great site where people know what you're going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I know that my boyfriend was not the one stealing from me, it was his addiction stealing from me

Sorry but no he did steal from you. I'm not saying it is a total deal breaker however if you totally give him a pass on this it WILL happen again. Unfortunatly your probably better off without him it will hurt for a time but you will heal and grow. He will (if not working a strong program) get worse this is a progressive illness that has no cure we can arrest it with hard work it doesnt sound like he is ready to work that hard
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