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Old 11-16-2007, 07:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Can an addict love me?

I am 26 and my ex is 22. We went out for two years and he was using crack off and on. He went to treament but still kept using. We broke up two months ago and he decided it was a good idea to hook up with an alcoholic. He starting using crack, heroine and diladads. He has now shyed away from her is in the treatment center and says he wants me back and he only left so that he would no longer hurt me. I'm just wondering is this just another lie that addicts tell or can he really love me. Will things go back to the way they were when he called me every name in the book and made me feel guilty for things i did not even do or can it be like it was at first when he was clean. Help! I"m so confused i don't want to live another two years like the last but i still love him and told him i would never leave him.
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Old 11-16-2007, 07:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Language of Letting Go - September 3

Word Power

I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
--Anonymous

Some of us are so vulnerable to words.

A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.

There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!

We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.

Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.

We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk.

We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us - even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.

Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.


This page changed my life....
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Old 11-16-2007, 07:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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My Ex husband was an alcoholic and (eventually) was addicted to Rx drugs (sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills). In a sober moment he admitted he never loved me and never could. He married me so he could appear normal. In retrospect, he was telling me the truth.

My XABF is an illegal drug user. I was with him for 6 years and I did love him but he never loved me and is not capable of loving anything other than his next high.

It is my opinion and my experience that no one in active addiction is capable of love. Period.

Directly answering your question, No, I do not believe an active addict can love you and, taking it further, it is a waste of your time to love him while he is not in recovery.

I am sorry that sounds so hard. I am glad you are here asking questions and seeking your own path.
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Old 11-16-2007, 09:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The addicts first love is their drug(s) ... feeding the addiction takes priority over ALL ELSE .. we end up getting scraps (left overs) bits n pieces of whatever is left and usually whats left is anything but love .. it is contempt, hatred, verbal - mental - emotional abuse, cursing, blame, anger and the like ... Which is by no means love. There is far to much self-hate going on inside the addict for them to be able to truly love another. What we usually end up getting is their self -hatred turned inside out and heaped upon us. He must learn and begin to love himself before he can love you.

I'm glad you are here asking questions ... I hope you will hang around .. you are in great hands ... this is a wonderful forum and there is lots to learn here. Learn all you can about enabling, codependency, detachment ... Knowledge is power .. read, read and reread ... then apply what you've learned to your life and you'll be okay whether he stays clean or not.

You may have promised him you'd never leave him, however, don't overlook the fact that you are just as important as he is (don't put yourself aside or abandon yourself) you deserve to be treated right, to be happy and to have the kind of life you desire. YOU ARE WORTH IT - don't sell yourself short .. give yourself YOUR BEST

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Old 11-16-2007, 09:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Good question. I don't know......

see, i married my husband before he became an addict, he loved me when he married me then became addicted to xanax. Did he stop loving me during that period when he was using? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I can't tell you what any one but myself is feeling. I know that his actions were CRAPPY.....he didn't treat me the way I should be treated and he didn't respect me enough not to do what he was doing.

I do know that I didn't love myself enough not to put up with what was being dished out. Once I learned to love myself that much, life became a lot easier for me, even while he was still actively using. He eventually got tired of the lifestyle he was living and got into his own program.

Getting our marriage back on track is a work in progress. There are still a lot of issues that the both of us are working through to make it work. He's got his program and does his thang to stay clean and I have my program and do my thang to stay sane.

Best of luck to you....I hope you stick around.
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Old 11-16-2007, 10:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I believe what an addict perceives as love is truly what they believe is love but is it the kind of love you deserve? Or do you deserve more?
I only have my experience to share....
My exhusband was loving me to death with his crack and cocaine addiction, disappearing acts, using in the house, spending all of his money on drugs, keeping me in a constant state of worry, anger, frustration, panic and depression. Did he really love me...yes...I believe so but he only loved me the way he knew how at the time and it came in forms of many apologies and many "i love you's". Was that enough? For me it wasn't....I can not live on words alone. I need to see action following those words otherwise they're just words. You know when he showed me he really loved me?....When after asking multiple times on many many different occasions that he leave me....he finally did right before I filed for a divorce. I asked him if he hated me that much that he needs to hurt me over and over again....I asked that he leave me because I wasn't strong enough to follow through on my own. By leaving he showed me that for once in the first three and a 1/2 years of our marriage he thought about my needs and my happiness over his own.
Isn't that the kind of love we deserve all the time and not in spurts. Someone to consider our needs and our happiness. An active addict can not do that. They are physically and emotionally unable to provide us the love we deserve because they are too busy trying to meet their own needs.
So you just have to ask yourself...What do you deserve?
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Old 11-16-2007, 11:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Get a piece of paper and list all the qualities that a man should have to be a good mate and parent. Then see how many of these traits your boyfriend has.
Maybe you can switch the emphasis on to yourself so that you become all that you can be so that you are attracted to a man that has the traits on the list.
I know when I was broken, I was attracted to broken people too. I could jump into action to fix them. It kept me from having to fix myself. It took me 'til I was 40 to be attracted to a whole healthy man. I hope it doesn't take you that long.
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Old 11-16-2007, 02:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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OT a little...what are diladads?...this is a new one to me. and i as the mother of a 16 yr old addict try to stay on top of this stuff, but this one i haven't heard of.
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Old 11-16-2007, 03:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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dilaudid.............Is what I think they meant.........

Dilaudid is a narcotic pain medication
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Old 11-16-2007, 04:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sjr View Post
OT a little...what are diladads?...this is a new one to me. and i as the mother of a 16 yr old addict try to stay on top of this stuff, but this one i haven't heard of.
Dilaudid, or Hydromorphone, is a narcotic analgesic prescribed for the relief of moderate to severe pain
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Old 11-16-2007, 04:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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puddin, welcome to S.R. can the addict love you? the addict loves his drug & can not love you until they can love themselves. if he is in rehab & he gets clean & really works the program while he is in there & when he comes out gets himself in a program he possiblely can. i would not jump back into this with him.he needs time for himself if he is serious about staying clean.he needs to work on himself.it is really up to you if u let him come home but from what i see with my addict son most of them relapse & some never do find their way clean & sober. i am sorry u r going thru this.you deserve so much better than what he has given you.take this time to work on yourself by reading all the post here & find a naranon program to attend.it is a long hard road with an addict.read the top of the forum"what addicts do" keep coming back & let us know how things are going.we care & are here to support you. hugs,hope
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Old 11-16-2007, 04:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I know that my daughter loves me but when she is using love is the last thing on her mind. A person that loves another person shows it with their actions. You can trust them and they do things to keep that trust. Trust is the last thing you have with an addict. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-16-2007, 04:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Puddin -

Lots of wise words before me. I am a recovering crack addict. I DID love people when I was active, but I loved being high more. I left my very active crack addicted boyfriend.

Even if he were to be clean for more than a year, I don't think I would take him back. I don't want to be in constant fear of a relapse, wondering if I would come home and everything I owned had been sold for crack, etc. I still love him, talk to him occasionally on the phone, but have to keep him at a distance.

I am totally amazed at the strength the parents here at SR have. They have taught me a lot about loving the addict, but living MY life. A parent doesn't have a choice about ending a relationship - they will always be that child's parent. But you and I have choices. I, personally, don't ever want to be in a love relationship with another addict. Maybe if they have YEARS of recovery, I would, but now I know to look at their actions.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 11-17-2007, 09:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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It's a prescription drug. Apparently they make you stoned out of your mind, it's a kind of heroine.
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Old 11-17-2007, 09:06 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks so much everyone. I fell so alone and so depressed and confused. I talked to him today and he told me that me asking him questions is making him want to get high. It's always my fault. I fall into the trap and then try to suck up so that i won't lose him. His calling me down has made my esteem so low that i think all i deserve is a crack head who decides when he loves me. I don't even know why i bother. I mean i'm 26! He's 22. I went through life with an alcoholic father and my mother never left his side and so i guess i think i can fix him. I live in PEI in Canada and we don't have any good programs here. You can make more drug deals in treament then you can on the outside. They kept him for for 4 days! Anyway i'm feeling pretty low but it feels o much better to hear from all of you that have been through this yourself or with loved ones. I hope you're all right and it does get better. I just wish i had the strength to walk away, but then i think what would happen if he died and it was my fault for not being there. Anyway thanks again, this is so great and i'll keep reading.
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Old 11-17-2007, 10:04 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Awh, it is sad, he has you right where he wants you. Addicts are smart people, they are skilled liars, great manipulators and they know what people in their life want to hear. Without drugs, imagine what addicts could accomplish.

The only thing that is your fault is allowing yourself to be controlled by him. Do not allow yourself to believe you have any control over him. You cannot control whether he gets high or goodness forbid, should he die. Hopefully you really do not believe you could save him from death? Drugs control him.

Have you read the adult children of alcoholics? I found a couple of posts that were helpful. One post mentioned the cycle of children of addicted parents finding mates with addiction problems. Another post mentioned children of alcoholic parents usually either take responsibility for nothing or they take responsibility for everything. If that is true, we may fall into the take responsibility for everything category.

You do have the strength to walk away, change your number, move if need be. His life will go on, you do not want to continue with him thru the cycle. Take time and focus on why you are really attracted to this man and how you can make sure that your are not attracted to his type in the future.

My sister is a drug addict, when clean she loves her family and would do anything for us. When on heroin, HEROIN is her first and only love. There is nothing left for anyone else. I have been thru the cycle many times, from experience a clean rehabilitating addict is sorry for the pain they have caused. A using addict blames you for causing them to want to get high.

Be strong...
Sending warm thoughts your way...
XOXOX
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Old 11-17-2007, 10:15 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks so much. You know i never would have thought to come to a site like this. I actually did it for him, he said i would never understand what he was going through so i thought i would talk to people who could help me.
He blams me but then he'll be really sweet and say i want to get better for you and i'm sorry for everything. Anyway he's coming over today and i know it's a stupid move. I should read the adults of alcoholic parents page, my father god love him, never went to anything when i was a child, not a concert, confirmation at church not even my high school graduation and i crave attention and love from men, and i say it out loud and it sounds horrible, i almost feel stupid saying it. Anyway thanks again. You guys are all so helpful. I'm so glad i found this site.
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Old 11-25-2007, 04:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
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He blames you so that he has an excuse and doens't have to check his own behavior. It's way easier for him to say that he uses because of you. In an addict's sick mind, that takes all responsibility off of them.
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Old 11-26-2007, 01:36 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Thankyou everyone for you're post's on this.
I couldn't believe for a long time that my A didn't love me when he was actively using. Until he told me that he didn't love himslef and so couldn't love anyone else.. that's when it sunk in.
I get it now.
And if he goes back to using, which I'm terrified might be happening as I write :0( , I'll try to step away.
I still get scared that he will get himself into a situation that will kill him. My best friend is burying her 21yr old brother today from an OD. But I'm getting closer to accepting, not without a bucket of tears, that there's not really anything I can do about it. Ultimately it's his decision.
In you're situation, I'm so angry that he's blaming you! You are certainly not to blame!
I hope you find the answers you need here.
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