Dharma33

Hi,

I thought I'd pop in on this thread. I've been sober over a year, but just attended my first 2 AA meetings. I'm so glad I did.

Working the Steps is a definite for me. I'd love any insight on a sponsor.

I'm in my 40's, female, and have had a guy 20 yrs sober who is in his 70's offer to sponsor me. I know he is sponsoring another gal currently around my age. Is this weird?

However, shouldn't I as a general rule have a female sponsor?

sugarbear1

Congrats, Dharma! You are on your way to much learning!

I sent you a private message

My sponsor is a male, but the decision to work with him was not done without much thought on the matter. I keep my eyes open for a female sponsor. I choose not to have two sponsors at this time, but I am thinking of asking this woman as my sponsor may be moving out of this area; too far to meet with once a week!

I wish you well on your sober journey in AA!

awuh1

IMO the best thing to do is politely decline. Opposite sex sponsorship introduces the potential for complications (in doing the steps) which can easily be avoided. You have over a year sober. You can easily afford to take some time and look around for a female you feel comfortable with.

I'd advise you to attend as many different meetings as you can in the beginning. I'm glad you found us.

All the best to you.

Dharma33

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

My gut said it isn't a good idea. I wouldn't say I'm gullible, but I am friendly and sometimes may seem to be an "easy target".

svenissober

The A.A. meetings I go to don´t do that. It´s a no-go.
Sponsorship is alway same sex. Which is wise...
S

LadyBlue0527

Hi Dharma, I don't like to be gendered biased in any situation but here's something you may want to consider.

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

During this step you're going to be doing A LOT of writing. This writing is going to include some of your deepest and darkest secrets which may, and probably will, include things that are sexual in nature. I don't want to assume anything because I don't know you but, being that I am an alcoholic and have my own inventory most others I know have some pretty intense stories. This is nothing to be embarrassed about and it's important to be honest during this phase.

You will be going over what you wrote and reading it to your sponsor. You might be far more comfortable with a trusted female than doing this with a male in his 70s.

This is partially why it's best to have a same sex sponsor.

sugarbear1

I didn't do a lot of writing (no more than 2 pages, front and back), I did a LOT of talking. And yes, intimate things were discussed, which is why my first sponsor was female, she just didn't live near me. (insert long story here)

female may be best! at least the first time through those steps.

Dharma33

thanks!!

Yes sugar, I wouldn't dream of having a detailed convo with this guy.... So I'm moving on! I'll let him know thanks but months thanks. Im going to try another group also, that meets 10am daily which works great for my schedule.

Gottalife

I'm nearly 60 and I have sponsored one or two women in the past where there has been a good reason. It is something I try to avoid but because, in my neck of the woods, there are few women willing and able to sponsor, they need the opportunity to learn how to do it. The chances of staying sober skyrocket if you go on to sponsor others, which is what I hope anyone I sponsor will do.

When it comes to the fourth step, we take that together, but anything of intimate nature I ask that they keep to themselves (they don't have to discuss every little thing with me, and they can use a little code with names etc, so that they will know what they have written, like a memory prompter for when they take step five.

I do not hear step fives from women. I send them off to a priest or counsellor or some other trusted confidante outside of AA (their choice). I do not need to hear a fifth to know that they have done it.

The big book is very clear that you get to choose who hears your fifth step and, based on experience and observation, I would be very careful about who I chose, but it is very much your choice.

Mountainmanbob

We always recommend same sex working together.
Mountainman

fini

people often confuse sex and gender, which can extra complicate things.
and many people in my HG are non-binary gendere, and i mention it here because it's a fact and is not rare, though often hidden.

Dharma, in my experience what's really important is you gutfeeling at a year sober. if this doesn't feel right (the male), don't go there.
that's assuming you can trust your gut.

it's quite possible at some other time you will meet a male-gendered person and your gut tells you it's fine.
in the meantime, you'll likely meet many females and will have lots to choose from.

stevieg46

Don't care if he is male or female but I don't believe its right to go around ''offering to sponsor others '' tell him to get lost (kindly of course ) thanks but no thanks .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .

Ken33xx

With regards to aa members If your gut instinct tells you something is off it probably is

pandblvr

Rule of thumb is the women with the women, the men with the men. It is not written in stone, and the Big Book doesn't forbid it. But it was suggested to me that since I am female, I should get a female sponsor.

My sponsor actually lived 3 hours away. I did 90% of my step work over the phone with her, except Steps 4-6, which we met in person to work on. I had gone to my parent's beach house right after I had come out of detox and I went to a meeting at the beach, where I met my sponsor. She told me she could read the Big Book with me over the phone and our relationship grew from there. She gave me a foundation in AA and shared an actual spiritual solution. I can honestly say that in the beginning, I didn't think it was going to work (having a long-distance sponsor). I kind of assumed it would fail and then I wouldn't be able to beat myself up for it failing because it wasn't the norm. I called her every Wednesday and Sunday and every other Saturday. We'd plan to talk/read for an hour and it wasn't unusual for our hour to turn to hours at a time. It was such a blessing to my recovery. I somehow think it was more convenient to do it over the phone, than have to pick a time a couple times per week to have to physically meet in person.

Just think about when the program first started--they were just committed to carrying the message and helping the still suffering alcoholic.

Trust your gut though. Keep fighting<3 and congrats on your sober time and your strong intuition.

fred59

men with men women with women, when new to recovery you are better off in women only meetings same for men IMO. I have been around meetings for over 25 years some meetings seem unsafe, I hate to say it but if my daughter ever had a problem with alcohol I would not send her to AA.
Be safe Dharma go with your instincts.

Ken33xx

Which is a sad statement but not without merit.

Fortunately, women's meetings are becoming more popular at least in the major cities.

I've not personally seen any **13 step behavior in AA but I've heard enough women complain over the years to realize it can be a very uncomfortable situation.


** When I joined AA I was already involved with a woman so I didn`t spend much time at social events but I`ve heard plenty of gossip.

Ken33xx

On the flip side..... I`ve also seen some women get off on the attention too. Usually the men outnumbered the women at meetings and often by a lot.

Now, a pretty woman suddenly walks in it seems like every other guy drops hints about their company, construction business or whatever.

Which is why if I am visitng and plan to attend a particular meeting for a few weeks I sometimes mention my wife the first time I share.

I want the other fellows to know from the get go that I`m not a potential threat . (Although these days I`m pushing 60 and probably wishful thinking on my part.)

Berrybean

Agreed. We don't push our services as a sponsor. Especially to people of the opposite sex. Sometimes at meetings people who are willing to be sponsors are asked to raise their hands to give people considering asking someone to be their sponsor an idea of who's available to ask. Generally it's suggested (in my area anyway) that you look for someone the same gender who 'has what you want', and you work on the steps with them, and learn what they do, and do what they do, to get the sobriety that you want.

There is a good leaflet on sponsorship that you can download (or buy if it's on the literature rack at a meeting you attend) ... http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

As much as I value my wonderful sponsor, I have also made some really wonderful sober female friends in AA. This was a lifesaver for me, as I'd always surrounded myself with other problematic drinkers in my adult life, so early sobriety was a lonely business. While you're getting to know people, as well as looking for a sponsor, keep in mind that you're building new friendships. People you can call for a natter , go for a day out with, or meet for coffee. I've been for weekends away with AA friends as well, which was wonderful. So, while you're getting to know who has what you want for sponsorship, take time to get to know all the ladies who a working on (or have) a healthy sobriety and a good, positive attitude even if they're not potential sponsors. There are lots of ways to immerse yourself while you're waitjng to start working on the steps. Reading the Big Book for a start off. I got a lot from listening to AA Speaker recordings as well. (I get mine from here... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly! ) Getting to meetings a little early so you can help set up is a good way to get to know other committed AA members.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

LadyBlue0527

Indeed. I attended a meeting the other day where there was this young girl sitting up front. You couldn't help but notice her because her attire resembled more what you'd see on a woman wearing if she were standing on a street corner soliciting. She was very pretty too. The meeting began and after the serenity prayer she began getting up and walking to the coffee area at the back of the room. This happened a few times until I realized she wasn't headed back there for coffee. It was on the 4th time I noticed and realized why. She knew the men were giving her eye service. At first I thought jeese come on we are at an AA meeting. Then I looked deeper into my heart and I got it.

Then I said a silent prayer for her.

dox

Given that we usually recommend male sponsors for males and female sponsors for females,
any man offering to sponsor a female newcomer,
at her first or second meeting,
sounds highly suspicious with regards to motive(s).

Am I being too judgemental?
Seems obvious to me.
As others have intimated: trust your intuition.
Sounds like you already are.

It took you a year to get to AA.
No need to rush into a new relationship with an unknown sponsor.

Your future sponsor is out there.
You may not have met her yet.
Keep listening and you'll hear her.

Take care, Dharma33.