Getting bitten

[GingerM]

I consider myself fairly far along my own path, but on occasion something happens that catches me flat-footed and drops me right back into those old behaviors again.

Last night, a situation occurred that is familiar to probably every ACoA out there. Alcoholic parent doesn't get what they want, so get snitty and make threats and tries to guilt trip me.

Only last night I wasn't expecting it and was caught completely by surprise. My reaction went something like this:

1. Anger and retaliation: fine, you say you won't talk to me again? Don't.

2. Punitive: or I could call right now and discuss this - not with the intent of actually resolving anything, solely with the intent of calling late enough to get said parent out of bed, then return their behavior right at them.

3. Punitive: write a nasty email in response to the nasty email I received.

4. Wonder where the heck my recovery tools went. Once the initial shock wore off (several minutes), in my angry condition I was searching through my brain trying to find the right recovery tool to deal with the situation.

5. Realize I can't find my recovery tools in the state I'm in, and that the "state I'm in" isn't going to change if I can't find my recovery tools. Come here, read stickies at the top, cherry pick the tools.

Repeat as a mantra: "I have the right to not participate in the crazy making behaviors of my family.

Couple this with: "It would be in my best interest to not participate in the crazy making behaviors of my family."

Throw in a few: "I am not entitled to the family I think I should have, only the the one I have."

Repeat as needed until I feel more like me I want to be and less like the me I used to be. Heck, here it is 9 hours later and I'm still repeating them.

I wanted to post this, not for advice, but to let the people who have just started their recovery know that even when you've come a long way, something can still jump out and bite you when you least expect it. And to let them know that this forum is a great resource for such times - after all, it's here 24/7/365. And to remind them that even those of us who have been in therapy for years, who have walked the path of recovery for a fairly long time, who are largely happy and relatively sane, still have times when a button gets pushed and we find ourselves back in that pit again.

And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's good to have someplace to go to find the tools you need at the time.

Mind if I borrow a hammer? I may need it for an upcoming discussion I need to have to set a boundary - you know, for the tent pegs.... yeah...the tent pegs.

[introuble]

Ginger, it sounds to me like you did a very good job of thinking before you acted. That to me sounds like PROGRESS and a healthy state of mind. I just wanted to applaude you for the steps you did take.

[GingerM]

I spoke with said parent this morning, got a little dose of reality through the thick skull of said parent, and ended with things being smoothed over for now. No hissy fits, no codie behavior on my end, no apologies for the atrocities I was accused of committing but didn't actually commit. Just a simple conversation starting with "I'm angry" and ending with everything being back to it's usual status.

For the newer people here, my relationship with my parents has been touch and go as to contact vs. no-contact for several years now. Each incident like this brings out the feeling of "ya know, going no-contact would make my life a lot easier right now". But I'm able to look down the road 10 or 20 years and know that while it might make life easier right now, it would make things worse later on. So until one of them decides they won't speak to me any more (and MEANS it, even when sober), I will continue to try to work through these issues as they happen.

I am not entitled to the family I think I should have, I am only entitled to the one I have.

[grewupinabarn]

even those of us who have been in therapy for years, who have walked the path of recovery for a fairly long time, who are largely happy and relatively sane, still have times when a button gets pushed and we find ourselves back in that pit again.

And

it's good to have someplace to go to find the tools you need at the time.

Thank you, GingerM, for the reality check.
As long as we are here, more of us will find more recovery more often. That sounds sappy but its a hell of a lot better outlook than the alternatives.

"A turtle only makes progress when he sticks his neck out"

[evmdimples]

GingerM, thanks for this. I love the phrase: "I am not entitled to the family I think I should have, only the the one I have." Recently I was thinking about how some people I've encountered in recovery seem to feel they are "entitled to have it all." I have trouble with that, because it seems they are using some sort of standard to measure what they think they "should" have (at some other time) instead of dealing with what they "do" have (today, focused on the present moment, in the now) and working from that point forward. (Not sure I'm expressing clearly!) Anyways, thanks for sharing, it was good to know your perspective. As a newbie to recovery (4.5 mos CoDA) I sometimes wonder what it's like further down the road.

And Grewup, I love your signature: "A turtle only makes progress when he sticks his neck out" So true! And these days, I'm sticking out my neck!

[GingerM]

I have trouble with that, because it seems they are using some sort of standard to measure what they think they "should" have

"shoulds" are a HUGE problem for many ACoAs. We grow up being told we 'should' be better, smarter, able to read people's minds, able to predict the future, able to save people from themselves - the list goes on.

So for many, myself included, a huge hurdle is to be able to move past the idea of how things "should" be and accept how things are. The best therapist I ever had gave me these handy rewordings:

Instead of "I should" (or "s/he should"), say rather:

"I wish"
"I want" or
"It would be in my best interest if"

(note that I used that last one as one of my mantras last night - not "I should not participate in crazy making behaviors" - which adds a tremendous amount of stress and expectation onto myself in an already stressful situation because 'shoulds' have expectations of outcomes which I may or may not be in control of - but "It would be in my best interest to not participate..." This statement is a simple statement of fact and implies no expectations)

I'd love to take credit for the "I am not entitled to the family I think I should have..." statement, but that one came from a different therapist who asked me one day why I felt entitled to have my family behave differently than they do. It caught me totally off guard when he asked it, because I am not usually one to feel entitled to anything. I had to ask him for clarification, which was when he added the second part of "I am only entitled to the family I have." That mantra gets repeated a LOT by me. I still catch myself getting caught up in the 'shoulds'. I'm also glad that I have the tools to pull myself out of them when I catch myself doing it.

So. I wish my parents behaved differently. I also wish I had thin thighs and a pony. I want to have a healthy relationship with my parents. I also want world peace and global economic stability. It would be in my best interest to remember that "should" is a word best kept to use in scientific theorems, and not applied to my life.

And I am not entitled to the family member/coworker I "should" have, I am only entitled to the one that I've got.



Gin

[GingerM]

Thank you, GingerM, for the reality check.

You're welcome GrewUp. Some folks seem to think that you work your program and one day you wake up and all your troubles are gone and life is a shiny happy place with rainbows and unicorns. While I certainly have more happiness and peace in my life now than I've ever had before, I still have to use my recovery tools all the time (one dysfunctional family, one dysfunctional coworker - those tools get a LOT of use) and I still occasionally get caught unawares and backslide into behaviors *I* don't want to have.

One thing that it took me a very long time to finally really absorb is that recovery is absolutely not about THEM (whoever "them" is), it is about ME. Recovery is about me behaving in ways that I *choose* to behave - not in kneejerk ways (as items 1 - 3 in my original post) that I learned from having such grand models. Recovery is a very selfish process; learning that I'm worth being selfish for was very difficult. I have finally learned it, which is probably the only reason I'm still in contact with my family.

Which is not to say that there are times when the idea of moving halfway around the world isn't appealing

[GingerM]

As a newbie to recovery (4.5 mos CoDA) I sometimes wonder what it's like further down the road.

First, congratulations on getting into recovery, on starting down that path. For many it is either too frightening (honestly, it can be terrifying at times, no bones about it) or too hard (it *is* a lot of work, all the time, all day long, every day).

As for how it is down the road? Well, awareness of self becomes greater. You learn that being selfish isn't bad and you start to be selfish - not in a bad way, but in that you learn to put your needs ahead of others. Consequently, your needs get met much more often (or at the very least not trampled on) and the world becomes a more peaceful place. Things that used to make you want to belch fire you find you can shrug off with no lingering charred aftertaste. People who used to be able to make you feel guilty will no longer have any control over you (warning: this will really honk some people off - as it consistantly does the parent who tried to guilt trip me last night - be prepared to not accept their problem as yours).

You find that your shoulders drop a few inches, you stand a little straighter, and you don't care as much about what other people think of you. You find that YOU are in charge of your life, and that empowerment is liberating.

And then, just when you think you're "recovered", someone comes along at just the right time and just the right place when you're in just the right mood and they find some button you'd forgotten about and they smash it as hard as they can. Then you realize that you will never be "recovered", but that you have the ability still to control your own destiny if you take care of yourself.

Recovery isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is a lovely day to be you, with mostly sunny skies and occasional rainshowers.

[gowest]

Originally Posted by GingerM

" if"

I wish my parents behaved differently. I also wish I had thin thighs and a pony. I want to have a healthy relationship with my parents. I also want world peace and global economic stability. It would be in my best interest to remember that "should" is a word best kept to use in scientific theorems, and not applied to my life.


Gin

This made me laugh out loud. My thighs are actually pretty thin and I have a pony (horse).

But my family ..... what a train wreck

thanks for making me smile today!

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by GingerM

...Mind if I borrow a hammer? I may need it for an upcoming discussion I need to have to set a boundary - you know, for the tent pegs.... yeah...the tent pegs.

* LMAO *

oh I _loved_ that line !!!

My biological parents have passed, as has much of my family. I also thought I was all "recovered" and could kick back to enjoy the "rainbows and unicorns". So what happens? I fall in love with a charming young lady, whose father is a drunk and mother is a hard-core codie in deep denial.

So that line about tent pegs and hammers _really_ hit a chord with me. I keep going back for my tools, again and again. Thank goodnes I have them.

Thanx for the reminder, Ginger, and for the honesty

Mike

[GingerM]

So that line about tent pegs and hammers

Just remember, the hammer is *only* to be used on the tent pegs...that's all...no using it on the people, no matter how reasonable it seems at the time

[LucyA]

Threads like this one really help me. I'm dont have alcoholic parents, but as many of you know my brother was alcoholic and I'm raising his son now. It helps me so much to know what my nephew may experience in later life, so I can prepare and support him.
Most of the rest of my family seem to think he'll be fine now, but from reading here I know his own experiences with his dad might stay with him for a long long time.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for this one, sometimes the thanks button just isn't enough.

[GiveLove]

L, you are always welcome to pop in here and ask questions and participate in these conversations....folks raised in damaged families have a unique set of problems that a support community can really help.

I too think posts like Ginger's could be really helpful as Joe gets into those difficult teenaged years and some things may surface. Hugs!

[evmdimples]

GingerM, I wish I had award-winning words to express what I want to say, but I don't however, I still want to acknowledge you and how much your perspective has touched me. Thank you for being you! I am glad I engaged in this conversation, I stuck my neck out (!) and look what I got, a treasure trove of wisdom from many sources! I appreciate you and everyone else who has contributed to this thread!:ghug
elena

[Wascally Wabbit]

Im glad I stopped in today. What an excellent thread.
It just goes to prove that recovery is life long. We're like doctors, always "practicing" what we already know.

[GingerM]

always "practicing" what we already know.

...and forgetting, and relearning, and forgetting again....and relearning again. Yup!

Gin

[Phmdyw]

I have to stay watchful every I am in the world, and especially when I know I'm going to be near manipulators. I ask God for help, and everything I already know inside of me tends to come up better. Sometimes every hour I have to go into bathroom, get on knees, and ask Him to be my Coat of Armor again.

Knowing that it's a spiritual crime to give others relief from their own pain that might get them to God, I am let of the hook from codependent behaviors.

The boundary is NOT that "I won't let them do that to me, the boundary is, "I don't want to help anyone hurt themselves today."

This is all pretty new stuff to me too, and I like to notice the 25% of the time I do it well.